Hello everyone,
I'm currently a community college student in the state of Washington and I'm hoping to transfer to UCI for their informatics program. Here is my essay for prompt #1, it's just a draft I've typed up so far.
My intended major is Informatics and I hope to focus on Human Computer Interaction. As a young college student who lives in Seattle, WA technology is all around me, and it is something that I use every day. My interest sparked when I was in eighth grade and I visited the Microsoft campus in Redmond, WA. The sight of all the amazing products that Microsoft had, the cool perks of free soda and free stuff that the employees got was mind blowing. These people made some of the greatest technological advances in the history of mankind, they are like the modern day superheroes, making the lives of others better. And I had told myself that I want to be like one of them, I wanted to be a superhero. My love for computers and technology had exponentially grew from there, I applied for a high school internship at Microsoft when I was a junior in high school, although I was cut in the last round of interviews, the internship had made me want to work with technology even more. After my experience with Microsoft I had taken the challenge of learning how to code. I started with Ruby, then went on learning HTML, CSS and JavaScript. I then took the intro level CS class at my high school and was able to work with some amazing employees from Microsoft. My path to become a super hero was being paved and nothing was stopping me.
After I had graduated I decided to attend community college for two years and then transfer to a four year university afterwards. My path to becoming a superhero was just four short years away. I knew I wanted to major in computer science and help with some of the greatest technological advances to date. But then I realized something, do I really want to sit in front of a computer all day and just code for the rest of my life? I realized after asking myself that question and doing research, that Informatics was just the thing that I needed to do. I wanted to interact with people, see how they use a computer, how I could make their lives easier. I started off learning more about human computer interaction by participating in user research studies for HTC, Microsoft and other companies. I job shadowed with a friend of mine who is a UX designer at Expedia and gained more love for the field. I ran for student government and won the position of Emerging Technology Representative as my goal now is to make the lives of students better when it comes to work with technology by fixing the Wi-Fi, making a school app and putting in cell phone charging stations to make the students experience easier. I believe that my path to becoming a superhero is almost complete, but I'm just missing one thing, and UC Irvine is the key to that one thing.
Muhammad, what exactly is the prompt that you are trying to answer? Is this a personal statement, statement of intent, or reasons you want to transfer? Kindly let us know what the exact prompt for essay 1 is so that we can offer you a better review of your essay and offer truly relevant advice regarding its content and your writing style.
So far, I feel that the application is not as strong as it should be in the beginning. The weakness comes from the way that you depict your early interest in computers as having come from a visit to Microsoft and seeing all "free soda" and stuff. That scenario does not really translate into your desire to join the world of computer programming. It just sounds like you were intrigued by all the free stuff the employees were getting. Personally, I would rather you edit that portion and instead talk about what you saw at Microsoft that interested you in the world of computers. You describe as having your love for computers grow exponentially from that visit, yet there was no clear indication prior to the visit that you had any sort of interest in computers. In order to establish the influence that the site visit had on you, you first have to establish that you already had a previous interest in computers prior to that. No, I am not talking about being a simple user or playing video games. I am talking about an interest that had you opening up your PC and then tearing it apart board by board just so you can see how it works by putting it back together. That kind of interest. That is the kind of showing that will prove a long tern interest in computers, computer programming, and Informatics.
You use the term "superhero" a lot in your essay but you never really define what the word means to you. Nothing in your actions or interests also seems to help clarify what you mean when you use the term. So why don't you try to put the meaning into words for the reviewer? Let us know what you think being a superhero in this field means, in relation to your interest in Informatics. What specifically was the event that led to your realization that you did not want to be a simple programmer in the future?
Basically, there is still a tremendous room for improvement in your essay. It should be better aligned once you provide us with the prompt. Right now, the essay is just that, a draft that needs to be improved based upon certain criteria as dictated by the prompt. We can help you do that here :-) I hope to see the prompt soon.
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
It's just a first draft and I really like your feedback. I'll get right to it!
Muhammad, as much it is stated in the first sentence of your essay that Informatics id indeed your target major, you still have to elaborate the course.
I know this is just a draft as there's a lot of improvements that needs to be done, I'll make some straight forward remarks on this draft that you can follow through;
- As a young college student who lives inliving in Seattle, WA
- technology is all around me, and it is...
- I was in eighth grade,and I visited the
- the cool perks of free soda and free stuffand freebies
- that the employees ge t wasis mind blowing.
- although I wasmade to the cut in the last round of interviews,
- the internship had madeinspired me want to work
- My path to become a super hero being in the field of technology is coming truewas being paved and
- nothing wascan stopping me.
- My path to becoming a superhero was just four short years away. ( the same thought of this sentence has been made so we can delete this)
- I wanted to interact with people,
- I job shadowed with a
- friend of mine who is an UX designer
- to working with
- I believe that my path to becoming a superhero is almost complete, but I'm just missing one thing,that my capacity and understanding of the course will lead me to the right path
- and UC Irvine is the key to that one thingis a key player in achieving my goals. .
There you have it Muhammad, I hope my inputs helped.
