** I have only written the body paragraphs, because I have trouble with an attention grabbing intro and a conclusion... Please be as harsh as possible. I feel like this essay needs a lot of work. I hope to get into Berkeley's school of public health, and want to meet their high standards. Thank you!
What is your intended major? Describe how interest developed through experience.
It was the beginning of my senior year when I was introduced to the concerns of public health. California's senate bill No. 12 regarding school's nutritional standards came into effect, and the food sold in the student store became limited to healthy foods and beverages. I recalled watching students cringe while extending their tongues filled with ruddy pieces of tasteless baked chips, and throwing the leftovers into a trash can. It was no surprise that the sales in the student store fell drastically during the bill's overture. My leadership advisor discussed to our class about the growing concerns of obesity in California, and the significance of the bill in guiding our school to a healthier lifestyle. Our task was to research about the health benefits of the store's products, and present it to our assigned classes during weekly room around presentations. We made sure the athletes know that the low calorie G2 drink has the same amount of electrolytes as the high calorie Gatorade, studious students know the benefit of Planter's peanuts on mental processes, and young food critics know that Quaker's Mini Delights aren't named so tastefully without a reason. Although the store's revenue never returned to its peak, I am delighted to acknowledge that several individuals have welcomed healthy snacks into their diet. Living in a health-illiterate society, even those who worry about their well being would not be able to make the right decisions. My involvement in ASB's efforts to promote health has introduced me to the fine impact of health education. I learned that knowledge is fundamental to providing society with understanding and access to proper utilization of information and services to make the right decision to achieve great health for the body and mind.
As a budding public health advocate, my interest led me to seek further field experience. The day after my high school graduation, I began my first job at a full service radiology center. Every working day, I witnessed patients with different medical cases. A female with a family history of breast cancer performs her annual mammogram, a biker with femur pains receives x-rays, and an elder with throbbing headaches receives a MRI of the head. Regardless of the case, I was presented with another important aspect of public health: the art of disease prevention. By concentrating efforts on prevention, the potential diseases, emotional stress, and cost of treatments will be greatly reduced. Imagine the impact this would have on the health of individuals, families, communities, and the world. Medical imaging and other techniques of disease prevention lead the world in the knowing of the present conditions that is essential for creating a greater change for the future.
I recalled watching students cringe while extending their tongues filled with ruddy pieces of tasteless baked chips, and throwing the leftovers into a trash can.
While i like the imagery here I cannot imagine why students would "extend" their tongues and cringe afterwards.
I learned that knowledge is fundamental to providing society with understanding and access to proper utilization of information and services to make the right decision to achieve great health for the body and mind.
Cut this sentence down.
The second paragraph is slightly boring. You spend a lot of the room decribing the healthy meal thing.
It was the beginning of my senior year when I was introduced to the concerns of public health. California's senate bill No. 12 regarding school's nutritional standards came into effect, and the food sold in the student store became limited to healthy foods and beverages.
Make the verbs in such passages active:
At the beginning of my senior year, California's senate bill No. 12 regarding school's nutritional standards came into effect,
limiting the food sold in the student store
became limited to healthy foods and beverages.
I like the liveliness and creativity of your new opening. You'll just need to be very careful, when you get to the final stages of the writing process, to edit and proofread very carefully because such a florid style cannot be carried off successfully in the midst of sloppy errors.
Environmental hazards and poor diet are two very important foci of recent work in public health. Are these the areas in which you envision yourself working? If so, it would help to tie the essay together to say so.
Your first paragraph, while well written, doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of your essay, which does not deal with the negative effects of pollution on health, but on the importance of good nutrition. Given the schools you are applying to, you can probably count on no one calling you on the irony of someone who lives in a country with one of the highest life expectancies on the planet insisting that our health reflects our environment, and that our environment should therefore be judged to be in bad shape. You do, however, need to connect your ideas up in some way. I notice your first version didn't have this paragraph. Perhaps you could simply remove it, and start in with your first body paragraph directly.
