Prompt: Terps are diverse. They bring intellectual, social and cultural differences to our community. Describe the different parts of you which will contribute to our diverse campus community
It's always nice knowing who one is and where one comes from. For as long as I can remember, I was one-hundred percent Haitian, but that all changed three years ago. One day my mother decided that she wanted to find out more about where she came from. After many dead-ends, my mother finally got in contact with some of the elders of her family. What they told her about where she came from shocked her. And it even shocked me also because I always thought that I was Marlina the Haitian, not Marlina the Haitian, Puerto Rican, and French.
Later that day, I found out that my great-grandfather, Edgar Serran, was a caucasian Martiniquan and my great grandmother, Eugenia Castro, was Puerto Rican. As a young woman who comes from different backgrounds, I now comprehend the importance and value of diversity. According to Dictionary, diversity is "the inclusion of individuals representing more than one national origin."
My experience as the Technological Officer of a school club by the name of "Bridges" has taught me how to interact with people from different walks of life.We work on issues such as human trafficking, orphanages, learning and physical disabilities, homeless shelters, and self harm, Therefore, I have the pleasure of meeting people who are different from me. My experiences in Bridges and my cultural backgrounds have taught me how multifarious the world is. By attending University of Maryland, I will be able to contribute what I now contribute to Bridges by being active and open minded when it comes to what Testudo's value, diversity.
I would really love to add at least two more paragraphs. I need at least 500 words, but I only have 271. I'm also not sure how to make the first paragraph more "coloful" and how should I transition my first diversity experience to my second one? Thank you so much in advance for your help.
Hi Lina, I read it and this is what I think how you can reduce the essay and add something else .
I was one-hundred percent Haitian, but that all changed three years agowhen my mother came to know about our descent(you can reduce this part to add more words by not mentioning how you got to know , just mention what shocked you and what impact does it had on you)One day my mother decided that she wanted to find out more about where she came from. After many dead-ends, my mother finally got in contact with some of the elders of her family. What they told her about where she came from shocked her. And it even shocked me also because I always thought that I was Marlina the Haitian, not Marlina the Haitian, Puerto Rican, and French.
Martina, one of the paragraphs that I think you can add to the beginning of this essay will be an example of how you interacted with your immediate community as a diverse individual. As a Haitian, you are immediately part of a diverse community. So think about how you were treated by your friends and neighbors as they represent the other parts of a melting pot group of people. How did you view and treat them as well? Then you can transition that ending with a sentence similar to,
"It was easy for me to treat them that way, after all, I was confident of who I was in terms of my heritage. Little did I know that what I knew and was so confident of about myself at that point was about to change all because my mother felt a need to get to know more about our family history."
That will then immediately be followed by your current opening statement. Please note the following highly important transition sentence in that paragraph:
I always thought that I was Marlina the Haitian, not Marlina the Haitian, Puerto Rican, and French.
This is what you should concentrate on in your third paragraph. Don't bother telling the reviewer who belonged to what heritage in your family. That is of no interest to him. Instead, you should reveal how learning about your mixed heritage changed your outlook in life. Don't define diversity based upon the textbook / dictionary definition. Give him the meaning of diversity as you have come to understand it yourself through the discovery of your family background. From being confident that you were 100 % Haitian, was that confidence shaken when you learned you had other blood mixes running through your veins? Would you consider the discovery something that affected you positively or negatively? Such a discussion will create a more fluid transition to your interest and work in Bridges which is the next paragraph of your essay.
You can then close the essay by choosing a particular organization at the university where you can help other people discover what makes them diverse and help them embrace that diversity. Maybe explain that if such a club does not exist, you would be happy to start one up since you already have experience with looking into a person's family tree. Or something along those lines. It should be a separate stand alone paragraph. That way you get to write the 2 additional paragraphs that you are looking to add to the response.
This is a revisement that I made before I read the helpful advice above. I will then re-post with the amazing advice that I''ve been given.
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Revision of my essay with the great advice that I've been given
Growing up in Edison, New Jersey I was exposed to diversity at an early age. While walking down the hallway you will catch a glimpse of students that come from many different cultures. You will see Indians, Koreans, Jamaicans, Puerto Ricans, Cubans, Italians and many other nationalities. Living here makes me happy because I enjoy befriending people that are very different from me. It was easy for me to treat them that way, after all, I was confident of who I was in terms of my heritage. Little did I know that what I knew and was so confident of about myself at that point was about to change because my mother felt a need to get to know more about our family history.
It's always nice knowing our identity and our family history understanding who we are as people and where we come from. I thought I knew everything that I needed to know about my family history, but that all changed three years ago. The day my mother's curiosity regarding our ancestral history promoted her to do some research. She discovered some incredibly shocking information. Through her research unveiled the variation within my nationality finding the nuances are apart of me. I am not only Haitian, but I am also Puerto Rican and French.
Learning about my mixed heritage has changed my outlook on life tremendously, I now fully comprehend the importance and value of diversity. Through the discovery of my family background, I have come to understand diversity as a balance of different cultures, sexes, religions, races, and sexes. This profound revelation has affected my life positively, it has prepared me to connect in a personal level with people from distinctive upbringings.
My experience as the Technological Officer of Bridges, a school club, has also taught me how to interact with people from different walks of life. Our task is to spread awareness for issues such as human trafficking, orphanages, learning and physical disabilities, homeless shelters, and self harm. Therefore, this allows me to constantly interact and bond with people from different backgrounds and statuses. These experiences in Bridges and my cultural backgrounds have led me to realize how multifarious the world is.When I attend University of Maryland, I will be able to contribute what I now contribute to Bridges by being active and open minded when it comes to what Testudo's value, diversity.
Ethnobeat is a well known organization at UMD that I will immediately join. In Ethnobeat I will be able to interact with fellow students who share a love for singing and learning about different cultures. The goal of this organization is to encourage the public, in a pleasurable way, to look past cultural barriers and to accept the diversity of every individual by performing songs from all over the world in semi-acapella.
Hi Martina, if you don't mind, I'll be tweaking your essay for further improvements and making comments along the way to help you adjust the essay for content and significance. I hope you won't mind going through a few revisions with me so that we can polish the essay :-) I'll be going by paragraph sections.
Par. 1:
Growing up in Edison, New Jersey , I was exposed to diversity at an early age. While walking down the hallway you will catch I OFTEN CAUGHT a glimpse of students that come WHO CAME from many different cultures. You will I FREQUENTLY MET see Indians, Koreans, Jamaicans, Puerto Ricans, Cubans, Italians and many other nationalities.
COMMENT: You should always discuss this essay from a first person point of view since this is all about your experience. The reviewer should only be hooked into imagining what you are experiencing.
Par.2:
It's always nice knowing our identity and our family history understanding SINCE IT HELPS US UNDERSTAND who we are as people and where we come from. I thought I knew everything that I needed to know about my family history, but that all changed three years ago. The day my mother's curiosity regarding our ancestral history promoted INSPIRED her to do some research. She discovered some incredibly shocking PLEASANT BUT SHOCKING information. Through her research unveiled the WE LEARNED OF A variation within my OUR nationality , finding the nuances are apart THAT WERE A PART of me. I am not only Haitian, but I am also Puerto Rican and French.
COMMENT: Be careful of word usage apart means to separate while a part means something is within you. The words sound similar but have different spellings and meanings.
Par.3:
Learning about my mixed heritage has changed my outlook on in life tremendously, . I now fully comprehend grasp the importance and value of diversity. Through the discovery of my family background, I have come to understand diversity as a balance of different cultures, sexes, religions, races, and sexes. DIVERSITY IS NOT JUST ABOUT NATIONALITY AND BLOOD RELATIONS. This profound revelation has affected my life positively, it . IT has prepared me to connect in ON a personal level with people from distinctive upbringings.
Par.4:
{S]Therefore, this THESE ACTIVITIES allows me to constantly interact and bond with people from different backgrounds and statuses. These experiences in AT Bridges and my cultural backgrounds have led me to realize how multifarious the world is.When I attend THE University of Maryland, I will be able to contribute what I now contribute to Bridges by being active and open minded when it comes to what Testudo's value, diversity.
Par. 5:
Ethnobeat is a well known organization at UMD that I will immediately join. In AT Ethnobeat , I will be able to interact with fellow students who share a love for singing and learning about different cultures. The goal of this organization is to encourage the public, in a pleasurable way, to look past cultural barriers and to accept the diversity of every individual by performing songs from all over the world in semi-acapella.
COMMENT: The last line in this paragraph tells the reviewer information about the club that is already known to him. Instead of giving already known information, explain how your own diversity will help to enhance the Ethnobeat experience. Tell him how and why you look forward to the diversified Ethnobeat experience.
