this is only the first two paragraphs
but i feel it has no flow
any suggestions?
also my vocabulary is pretty basic
Personal interaction with objects, images and spaces can be so powerful as to change the way one thinks about particular issues or topics. For your intended area of study (architecture, art history, design, studio art, visual art studies/art education), describe an experience where instruction in that area or your personal interaction with an object, image or space effected this type of change in your thinking. What did you do to act upon your new thinking and what have you done to prepare yourself for further study in this area?
It happened almost immediately I walked into the construction site of my new house. Even before it was built, I had already seen my house, walls up and fully functioning. As I walked through the place, I saw columns turn into walls and walls become spaces. I think my mom was probably giving me a tour of the place, narrating room by room and what would go where, but I don't think I was even listening, and I didn't have to. I already had a hologram vision of the whole place in my head. The construction progresses, the wall by wall, the once concrete block cocoon became the house just as I pictured it. As I walked through the finished house, even though it was empty, I could already see the furniture arrangement from the amount of sunlight coming into the rooms and the flow of movement. It was as if my head was an automatic space-making machine, it came as an instinct.
Soon enough this didn't just apply to spaces, it became a way of thinking and I related everything and anything to it. Not long after my first visit to the house, I was cutting open a pomegranate. I remember obsessing over it for a while; the pomegranate was just like a house, perfectly livable and proportionate. The way it was divided up unto compartments within it self, each providing a space for its seeds. The organic design of its spaces made sense and all of a sudden looked logical to me. I had always thought of pomegranates as a beautiful fruit, but never had I felt so deeply fond of it and analyzed its composition as I did that day.
I think its a reallly good introduction, and maybe its just me, but I think you are showing towards more of the architecture side. I was a little confused at first because you said "even before it was built...", I thought you had actually designed the whole house. Also, try making that connection to Pomegranate a little bit smoother.
If you put 2 words together like this to make a new term, use a hyphen: the once-concrete block cocoon became ...
the house just as I had pictured it.
...an automatic space-making machine, it came as an instinct.---I like this! Your vocabulary is not basic at all! You are creating new terms!
Soon enough this no longer applied just apply to spaces. It became ...
PRECEDE these two paragraphs with an intro paragraph that tells the reader the main TRUTH and the theme for the paper. What has the pomegranite got to do with the house? Find your underlying principle.
:-)
