Any help or suggestions on grammar or rewording would be greatly appreciated. I can't help but feel my writing sounds awkward and unsuitable for the nature of admissions essays.
Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
Ezra Pound once said, 'Real education must ultimately be limited to men who insist on knowing, the rest is mere sheepherding.' So the question remains, am I someone who insists on furthering her knowledge, or am I neutral and lukewarm in this endeavor? The answer lies through my prior actions and experiences concerning my education. My journey had shortcomings and successes, but ultimately through this excursion, my educational goals have become clear.
After graduating high school, my classmates knew what they wanted to do, I on the other hand was unsure. My whole immediate and extended family are in the Fashion Industry, so I took the safest and most logical path for me, and attended Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. At the same time, my Mother took it upon herself to open two retail clothing stores for me to administer. It wasn't soon before I began to question my life's direction, and the ultimate chances of me being content with my future career seemed unlikely. The apprehension I was experiencing led me to withdraw from FIDM to take time to figure out what I truly had a passion for. A year passed, and my life was consumed by the prescribed job my Mother carved out for me. It seemed to be completely selfish to ask my Mother to let me stop working and go to school, but I knew what was best for me. Though my Mother was indifferent about my education, my decision was made. In the pursuit of my own education, success, and happiness, I started my first semester at College of the Canyons in the Fall of 2008.
Throughout my time spent at COC, I've learned more than just the subject matter taught in my classes, but what is more important these classes unveiled my passion for writing, and political debates. Now, I have a vision of transferring to University of San Diego to earn my Bachelors Degree in Interdisciplinary Humanities. Because of the unique nature of Interdisciplinary Humanities I can choose my program of learning, which promotes a formula for my success in future ambitions for Law School. It is imperative that I transfer to USD to fulfill these goals. I'm a determined student who will honor their position at University of San Diego if given the chance, and I know that USD has more than a wealth of knowledge and enlightenment that I need. Thank you in advance for your time to read my metamorphosis from sheepherder to a young woman insistent upon her education.
Your writing is excellent! You should feel confident about the writing and lucky about having the network of brain activity that you developed during primary school.
Here is a way to make the thesis statement more substantial:
...but ultimately through this excursion, my educational goals have become clear. They include _____, _____, and _________.
Mother should not be capitalized unless you are using it to name what you called her (i.e. I asked Mother if I could...) When you write "my mother" it should be a lower case m
Throughout my time spent at COC, I've learned more than just the subject matter taught in my classes. but What is more important is that these classes unveiled my passion for writing and political debates.
Nice ending!!!!!!
