My interest in Computer Science and Chinese Culture - SFU Dual Degree Program Statement of Interest

Thank you in advance for any help on fixing errors and suggesting changes.

Statement of Interest:

Why are you interested in pursuing the SFU-Zhejiang University Dual Degree Program? (250 words maximum)

I am interested in this program because of my interest in both Computer Science and Chinese culture. As an ethnic Chinese born outside of China, immersing myself in the culture of my ancestors and learning Mandarin is something I'd love to do. I recognize that the technology sector of China is growing at a fast pace, and I would like to take advantage of the opportunities I can get to study in China to immerse myself and learn from Chinese education and culture. I also find appeal in living in a foreign country, as I will be stepping out of my comfort zone like never before. I hope this experience will allow me to grow and mature as a person. Furthermore, studying Computing Science in two top universities in two countries will allow me to gain the skills I need for my career in a globalized world. Having degrees from both universities will also help me in job searching. I have been passionate about technology and have wanted to pursue a technology-related career since I was young, and I believe this program will be very beneficial to me as I participate in it and learn more. I also hope to gain work experience through the opportunities for co-op in China and make connections there. As it has been my dream to pursue education and possibly a future career in China, this program will allow me to succeed in one of my goals and launch me towards reaching my next goals.

@ng864
Thanks for your continuous participation in the platform. I'm here again to give you feedback on this essay to hopefully help you grow further as you are learning!

Firstly, the introductory part is quite interesting. I appreciate how you were able to knit altogether your history and your aspirations. This was a great way to start your writing. What I do suggest is trying to compartmentalize and organize your writing by how important a particular part is.

Take, for example, the paragraph's chunk of content midway. You would have been better off if you had omitted the cultural angle, considering that it's quite far from the central thematic viewpoint of the writing. I heavily suggest focusing more on the professional views rather than on other sub-angles.