Please critique everything from grammar to overall flow. Thank you.
(I have gotten some feedback saying that the style is too highfalutin, pretentious, and fancy. Any general suggestions on how to tone down the unnecessary fanciness?)
"Describe the world you come from, and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
Throughout my entire childhood, I enjoyed using Legos to think up creations otherwise impossible to make in real life. The snapping and fitting of bricks, rods, and gears captivated me for countless hours. Long days were spent sprawled out on the floor, surrounded by thousands of tiny pieces, each one playing its own part in the grand scheme. The majority of my creations was dominated by space-ships, hover-cars, and futuristic military complexes, due to the large amount of Star Wars and Mars Mission sets I had received. It seemed as though I lived a double life; aside from the physical realm, I existed in a plastic utopia of endless imagination. New sets from the store weren't necessary because they could be dreamed up and constructed with existing pieces.
As with any plastic toy, fragile and sturdy pieces alike were subject to breaking. These occurrences were devastating at first, but those broken pieces ceased to be "broken" over time. Instead, they became one or two more pieces with uniquely useful functions, unattainable anywhere else. Through the endless accounts of demolished structures and lost and broken parts I learned that keeping an open mind is the best route to dealing with and solving frustrating problems.
Almost every set of store-bought Legos came with instructions to put together a rather boring thingamajig. But, I found that following the directions was never as much fun as conjuring up my own personal feat of aesthetics and machinery. Legos gave me a unique sense of fulfillment, in which I was not just a passive observer but an active creator.
In 8th grade my interest in Legos spurred me to participate in the F.I.R.S.T. Lego League robotics competition, in which teams designed, built, and programmed a Lego robot to complete an array of tasks in a short amount of time. The collaborative experience vastly outweighed the slight disappointed of not winning the competition.
With this developing craze of design and construction came a clear realization that I could do it for a lifetime. Through all of the lessons and experiences I grew to enjoy not only working with Legos but designing and building in general more and more. As with many other people, pursuing a career that I am passionate about is vital, and a field that requires an active imagination, such as engineering, would allow me to stay passionate and engaged throughout the course of my career.
I foolishly used to mock my dad for spending his days working on the insides of cell phones as a mechanical engineer, but little did I know I was attempting the basics of what he was doing. Every Lego brick I laid down furthered my interest in design and engineering.
Legos taught, inspired, and guided my youth. Though I have outgrown some of my never-ending interest in them, Legos, and the lessons they've held, brought forth my desire to become an engineer.
These sentences does not convey any message to me.
As with any plastic toy, fragile and sturdy pieces alike were subject to breaking. These occurrences were devastating at first, but those broken pieces ceased to be "broken" over time. Instead, they became one or two more pieces with uniquely useful functions, unattainable anywhere else.
I suggest you to focus more on yourself instead of the Legos. Show how you feel about constructing new stuffs. Then, continue to prove what you learned, how you growed. Tell us more about your ambition. Overall, your essay is good, but you have to connect it with the prompt. Good luck =D
I agree with yi zhi. i luv the topic, very good choice. but the focus is a bit too much on legos... just needs a little tweaking in the 2nd paragraph. there's a bit of informal language, too. but maybe that's just ur voice. it was interesting to read, tho
"As with any plastic toy, fragile and sturdy pieces alike were subject to breaking. These occurrences were devastating at first, but those broken pieces ceased to be "broken" over time. Instead, they became one or two more pieces with uniquely useful functions, unattainable anywhere else."
I was attempting to portray that "broken" pieces weren't really broken in my mind because they had dawned new uses.
Thanks for your other feedback!