Topic: Interest in math, science, or engineering manifests itself in many forms. Caltech professor and Nobel Laureate Richard Feynman (1918-1988) explained, "I'd make a motor, I'd make a gadget that would go off when something passed a photocell, I'd play around with selenium"; he was exploring his interest in science, as he put it, by "piddling around all the time." In a page, more or less, tell the Admissions Committee how you express your interest, curiosity, or excitement about math, science or engineering.
"I have something to tell you, Sam. I love you." I said, unhesitant. By admitting my feelings, I promised him to be loyal, dedicated, and compassionate unconditionally. I never regretted feeling affection towards him. He never gave me a reason to. I still remember the first time I met him in school. Since then, he has been always there in my life.
...
It feels as if this essay is more focused on Sam, not you.
I mean, the whole point of writing this essay is to showcase something unique about yourself that does not appear on the Common App, and from this essay readers get to know a lot about Sam but not enough about you.
And when you wrote "In a math project, he helped us resolve real-life problems we made up"
maybe you should elaborate on that, because Caltech, as the questoin reads, wants to know how much you love and are willing to learn math/science.
Just my amateur opinion, good luck with your application.
"I have something to tell you, Sam. I love you." I said, unhesitant{this seems a bit awkward, or without hesitation, or maybe some other word can work better}. By admitting my feelings, I promised him to be loyal, dedicated, and unconditionally compassionate.
{I pledge to him loyalty, dedication, and an unconditional compassion.}
Never did I regret feeling affection towards him{showing him my affection}, for he never gave me a reason. I still remember the first time I met him in school (we met at). Since then, he has been always there in my life. {We've never been separated since.}
Sam was not the most popular; in fact, he was hated by many. Perhaps this was so because no one understood him truly (no one truly understood him}, or {merely}because no one gave him a chance. I think it's because he's not suitable for everyone. It didn't matter to me anyway, and it didn't change how I felt about him. Actually, I never thought twice before trying to include him in every activity I do {imaginable}. I never thought before bringing him along with me to the most important events.{what?}
...
Overall, very nice. I've thrown in a couple words and suggestions here and there but you can really go into more detail about how Sam's work brought the two of you closer together. Cal Tech's math and curriculum is all geared towards practical application and I think the admissions committee might want to see more detail as such. And also, do you ever plan on doing anything for Sam other than showing him all this unrequited love? Future contributions perhaps? By the way, I love Sam too, {But Sam as in short for Samantha or something like that though....unfortunately she and I broke up a long time ago and is currently seeing some other guy. See, there was this really beautiful girl I met called Philosophy and the Humanities....ahh I won't get too much into it... I'm trying to win her back... wish me luck!} And best of luck to you on Cal Tech. If you get in, that is just plain awesome.
Thanks a lot Jason!!
I do wish you luck.. When I read the essay to my mom she had a feeling that Sam was symbolic.. how can I emphasize the end?
The thing about applying for Caltech, I read a sample essay... someone got accepted for writing about a stuffed animal! It really depends on how you write rather than what you write about.. So the end is where a reader will say,"ohhh" and reads the essay all over and it will mean something else the 2nd time.. how can I elaborate in the end?
Jay, Sam isn't a real person.. I was talking about science and math the whole time, only referring to them as if I were referring to a person I love.
When I was preparing for one of my Model United Nations conferences, I mentioned his perspective about political issues, although many have told me that politics isn't relevant to him. Whoever told me this was wrong, for my resolutions and documents were successful. Through him I felt strength and power while debating and negotiating. He was an incomparable influence.
In the eleventh grade, Sam helped me conduct research in school. Our chemistry teacher gave us four gases as potential causes of a series of diseases plaguing a family. To be honest, my group and I completely relied on him to prove which of the gases the cause was. In a math project, he helped us resolve practical problems. We got all the credit, yet there was Sam, neglected and overlooked with nothing to show for all his contributions. {How did you rely on him? What equations/systems of thought did he provide? And how did you use it?}
Actually, Jason, your "opinions" are great! Your feedback is very useful.. each time I re-edit my essay in accordance with your advice, I feel that the essay is really improving.. I agree, science and math should be apparent in the essay, rather than just describing broadly..
Hmm, ok I tried to add some details.. Do you thing I don't need the last paragraph now?
I definitely agree with the other posters here. The first part of the essay is so overwhelmingly about Sam, and not you. You describe what he was like, his popularity, things that he said. This is an essay about you, and you don't even show up until halfway through. You seem defined by "he" and "we," and you're neglecting "me."
well, now that I know Sam means Science and MAth, the whole essay makes sense.
But if the admission officers read this essay for the first time, they will have no idea until the last paragraph, and they might have to reread your essay.
