I feel bad for putting up another essay so quickly, but can someone proofread this and give any suggestions? Unlike my previous essay this is perfectly within the limits. I would just like some constructive feedback so I can polish it up in the next few days and send it off. The prompt was "tell us how you express your interest, curiosity, or excitement about math, science, or engineering." I think my approach would work, but there may be spots that can be made so that it addresses the prompt more.
"Open the door! Ventilate the room!" The fumes of the dry-erase markers were becoming unbearable. A burning, humid summer day and I was spending my time discussing radiation shielding from gamma and cosmic radiation with five other fellow freshmen. An array of diagrams, models, and equations riddled the whiteboard, and I was getting to the point of suggesting using a layer of reinforced concrete as an effective material to shield radiation; however, before I finished, the intoxicating stench drove us out of the cramped, 8'x10' conference room in the library.
What were we doing in the library instead of playing outside? We were working on our project, titled Phoenix Outreach V, for the NASA Space Settlement Contest held annually by NASA Ames Research Center and National Space Society. Student teams of various sizes ranging from one to over ten across grades 6 through 12 pour their hearts and souls into a space settlement proposal. The final report will detail everything from the location and assembly of the station to the government and life support of the colonists. We divided up the work and began our independent research, meeting every few days to discuss and combine our work.
During the summer and even the school year, the public library became a haven for us. Shelves upon shelves of books ranging from pseudo gravity generation to hypothesized plasma shield theories awaited our eager minds. The short, fragile librarian lady who always wore a red knitted sweater became an indispensable ally, reserving conference rooms and helping us find reference material. I spent at least a hundred hours in the library over the summer, researching, reading, and learning orbital mechanics.
Throughout the project, the most challenging aspect was to understand the materials fully and be able to write a specialized report on that subject. Radiation shielding from cosmic radiation, system to recycle oxygen and water, orbital positioning and maintenance of the station were some of my responsibilities, and frankly, they were hard for a ninth-grader to grasp. Having to write meticulously about almost every scenario that could happen and their proper countermeasures from a photovoltaic solar cell malfunction to a collision with an asteroid gave me a chance to experience the depth of the work actually required.
After over a year of hard work, our finished submission was entered in 2006 and won first place internationally among other sixth through ninth graders in the small group division. It was an amazing experience for the work that we spent so much on to be successful and recognized. This was the event that triggered my interest in engineering and aerospace-while I had dreams of becoming an astronaut when I was small like every other kid, this project narrowed my plans for the future to those with math and space.
Every year since, I was part of the Columbia Aeronautics Space Association, our town's small-scale version of NASA. There, I learned to simulate missions and learn hands-on about the design of systems such as thermal control and life support. It's been an invaluable experience for me, and has furthered my interest in aerospace science. I also take university math classes to further my knowledge of physics and engineering. Through opportunities offered at Caltech as well as the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, I could make an impact in the world. Hard work leads to results, and next time, I'll have my own ventilation system in my room.
Good evening.
You've got a great opening and closing; they are both humorous and attention getting while simultaneously tying the content up neatly. Your content is not overwhelmingly riddled with overly-scientific words, staying well within your readers' comfort zones, but sprinkled in enough so that they know you know what you are talking about.
It is clear that you express your enthusiasm about this subject matter by dedicating hundreds of hours digesting materials that much older students would have a difficult time with, and put that knowledge to good use; entering a competition that displays your work to others, allowing them to benefit from it as well. This is a very effective and appropriate essay, and I think it is a wonderful response to the prompt. I wouldn't change anything. Good work.
Regards,
Gloria
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