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Interest in Medicine/Rutgers Essay


ABoris 2 / 6  
Oct 29, 2010   #1
Hello fellow essayforum members.
I need your help. Please tell me on how I could improve this essay.
Any critiques are welcome.
Thank you in advance.

Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

"Trust me, this will be a wonderful experience." My mother said. I didn't know what to expect. As I approached the door, my eyes detected a very old woman, around 90 years of age. As we entered, the old woman exclaimed, "Please let me leave! I need to pick up my children from school." My mother answered, "Don't worry Tanya, your husband has already picked them up." I didn't really understand why the lady said she needed to pick up her children, until later on in the day. My mother explained to me that the old woman had a severe stage of Alzheimer's. At that time, I didn't know any of this medical jargon, I don't think any seven year old knows what Alzheimer's is. I soon came to know that this was a Nursing home, filled with elderly people who have all sorts of physiological problems. Of course I didn't know how to help the people out, but after a month or two constantly spending time with the elderly, their mood's started to lighten up. Some saw me as a son, while others saw me as a grandson. I played with them, ate with them, and even napped with them. Constantly keeping them company seemed to make them less stressed and feel like they're at home. I then realized that not having any family members to support them really took a toll on them. I fell in love with taking care of them.

One evening my parents announced that we won the green card and were planning to move from Israel to the United States. Fear struck me like a lightning bolt hitting a tree. After questioning and scolding my mother for leaving her job, she explained to me that America would provide better opportunities for the whole family. My interest in medicine abruptly ended until I was 13 and found the opportunity to volunteer at Coney Island Hospital. I first started off completing all sorts of clerical work such as organizing patient charts and notes. I attended physiology and anatomy courses that the volunteer department set up, and it all led up to taking the volunteer nurse assistant examination. I would unlock the ability to care for the patients on the units such as taking vital signs, making their beds, and simply just keeping them company. The patients always had a lot of gratitude for me. They seemed to recover much more quickly than patients who had nobody to interact with. I realized how extra attention can really make a patient's day. Being able to help people who are sick is the most fulfilling career I could imagine pursuing. Due to this opportunity, I have developed a strong work ethic and I know that in order to be truly happy with my life, I will need a career that I love. Because of all of these experiences, I believe I would be a perfect fit for Rutgers. Not only will I be able to adapt to the diverse population on campus, but I would also give back to the community of Rutgers with my immense fervor and infatuation for volunteering.
CDDSR 1 / 2  
Oct 31, 2010   #2
I did notreally understand why the lady said she needed to pick up her children, until later that day.

At that time, I did notunderstand any of this medical jargon, I don't think any seven year old knows what Alzheimer's is.as I was only seven years old at the time.

I soon came to know that this was a Nursing home, filled with elderly people who have all sorts of physiological problems.

Of course I did not know how to help the elderly people at the time , but after a month or two constantly spending time with the elderly, their mood's started to lighten up.

As I became close working with the elderly, we began to form friendships.

I fell in love with taking care of them. And so began my passion for caring for the elderly.

One evening my parents announced that we wonreceived our green cards and were planning to move from Israel to the United States.

My interest in medicine abruptly ended until I was 13 and foundAt the age of 13, I was given the opportunity to volunteer at Coney Island Hospital.

I would unlock the ability to care for the patients on the units such as taking vital signs, making their beds, and simply just keeping them company

Due to this opportunityFrom this experience , I have developed a strong work ethic and I know that in order to be truly happy with my life, I will need a career that I love.

Also, a general writing rule is to avoid using contractions as much as possible.
OP ABoris 2 / 6  
Nov 5, 2010   #3
Thanks CDDSR for the corrections.
Any moderators willing to give their input ?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 5, 2010   #4
Hi Boris, I notice that you are one of our essayists with a high level of skill...
Despite the fact that you have deep understanding of composition, you seem to be giving people only a single sentence of feedback. i.e. you might have invested only 30 seconds to write your comment here: "A blessing in disguise" UF Admissions Essay

I don't think it should say "had a severe stage of..." but instead maybe it should say she "was experiencing an advanced stage of..."

Here is another problematic sentence: "After questioning and scolding my mother for leaving her job, she explained to me that America would provide better opportunities for the whole family." ---Do you mean that she explained this "after having been questioned and scrutinized..."?

Right now, you have dedicated only one sentence at the end of the essay to answering their question. I think you should dedicate a whole paragraph to answering it. Know what I mean? They ask a specific question, and you gave a lot of story but only one sentence of a response to their question.

One good idea might be to take that last sentence of the essay and move it to the beginning, or maybe to the end of the first paragraph.
mariatateno 6 / 35  
Nov 6, 2010   #5
You say your interest in medicine ended when you were 13, but you still carried on working at the hospital and taking up a nursing course?? A bit contradicting, no?


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