Hello all.
I joined this forum primarily to receive feedback on my college essay, which is of particular significance due to the nature of my high-school transcript. I consider myself to be a highly intelligent individual; however, I performed very poorly for the first two years of my high school career, which occurred for a variety of reasons including the type of people I hung out with, my conduct in the class, organizational skills, etcetera. I managed to make a decent comeback in junior-year, and am making even more progress presently, in my senior year, where I am taking two advanced-placement classes and receiving A's in both. Having said that, my current GPA is a 1.5 and My SAT scores are as follows:
490 MATH
700 READING
610 WRITING
My main interests, of which will be brought to light to a certain extent in the start of my essay, are philosophy and literature. The kind of feedback I want is mainly from experienced writers who can critique my writing style and hopefully help make improvements here and there, and also from people who have experience or can give me valuable knowledge about college admissions; for I am placing a lot of weight on this essay, and want it to be absolutely impeccable in order for me to get into my college of choice, William Paterson University.
Anyway, without further interruption. Here is the question and the essay:
The preferred application essay topic for all majors is: "How did you learn about William Paterson University? Why are you interested in attending William Paterson University?" Please note that this is not a required topic; rather, it is the suggested essay topic. If you have something about which you are passionate, the admissions committee would love to hear about it!
I was initially attracted to William Paterson University because of, in addition to its conspicuous presence in my hometown, Wayne, NJ, feedback from friends and family members who attended the university and testified to the quality of the faculty and education there. In my opinion, they are living examples of the great things that can be accomplished with a degree from this well-regarded institution. Not without reason, then, did I venture to research about the university in more detail, gathering information on their academic departments and the experience for a college student. What I found profoundly piqued my interest. Upon these findings I decided where I would like to undertake my studies: in the confines of the campus where I would be most happy, most enriched, most empowered to pursue my passions of literature and philosophy: William Paterson University.
Literature, my first passion, is predominantly due to my desire for self-expression; that is, to express what is inside of me and be clear and eloquent in doing so. What is inside of me, however, is still inexplicable and adolescent in nature, and needs refinement through further study of literature. Realizing this a while back, I thus endeavored to read and study authors whose works have intrigued me the most, which have by and large been George Orwell, Franz Kafka, and Fyodor Dostoevsky. Of late I have read Lolita by Vladmir Nabokov, an author I have developed a particular reverence towards because of his, in my opinion, impeccable grasp on the English language and inimitable ability to enchant his readers with sheer verbosity. It is the prose of brilliant authors such as Nabokov that compels me to have a fresh paper handy so I can take note of its strengths and weaknesses to the purpose of improving my own-such is the work of this desire for self-expression; such is also my constant quest for clarity.
I was initially attracted to William Paterson University because of, in addition to its conspicuous presence in my hometown, Wayne, NJ, feedback from friends and family members who attended the university and testified to the quality of the faculty and education there.
- I was initially attracted to William Paterson University because of its conspicuous presence in my hometown; Wayne, New Jersey. In addition to its impact on my daily surroundings, the University was highly praised by various friends and close family members who attended.
The original seemed a bit stretched out
Some work on your grammar and diction would contribute to a greater reading as well as the correction of a lot of run-on sentences.
hows the new introduction compared to the old one?
William Paterson University is conveniently located in my hometown: Wayne, New Jersey. It is a prominent presence in Wayne, and widely discussed amongst my peers when speaking of colleges. My personal association with the university is limited, but I often go to the library there with my brother because it is a commodious and tranquil place to read books or study. Many of my friends and family who have attended praise William Paterson for the quality of the faculty and education there. With this in mind, I ventured to research about the university in more detail, gathering information on its academic departments and experience for a college student. What I found profoundly piqued my interest. I thus decided that within the confines of the campus of William Paterson University was a place where I would be happy, enriched, and empowered to pursue my passions of literature and philosophy.
Where are the run-on sentences?
Ha ha, you know there are none! The way you write shows such command over English that you surely know whether or not you have any. However, I like Khristian's idea. It is not good to let writing be so stretched out, at least not in my opinion. It is not the style I like, but the way you construct sentence does accomplish something excellent here. Most of the time, I would advise a writer not to use such complex sentences, and when you write for other purposes I think you should simplify, but here I think you did a great job... the complexity of your writing reflects the complexity of your thinking, and the reader will be impressed with the eloquence.
I guess I like the first one more. The second one starts with a boring, unhelpful sentence...
William Paterson University is conveniently located in my hometown: Wayne, New Jersey. It is a prominent presence in Wayne, and widely discussed amongst my peers when speaking of colleges.
If this is a short essay, you should not waste sentences like this. Express your passion for lit and your intention for getting the most out of your education. Express your plan, and keep only the most excellent sentence. Make sure the reader notices that you have a clear, detailed plan.
The first essay is better!!
Your first essay was definitely better. Don't use the new introduction--it seems to dull down the rest of the essay. I can see you have great eloquence and command over English. Good job! I can't really find anything else to say, so just take the advice you want, refine your sentences if needed, and express your voice clearly throughout your writing.
Good luck! :)
