'My interest in sign language' - UF Undergrad

The UF Topic is: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

This is what I have for my essay; I'm still making changes on it though. I took it to my English teacher to review and she siad that it wasn't personal enough. If you have any suggestions to help me make it better I am more than willing to hear them. Thanks so much!

My interest in sign language was ignited at a very young age while living in the diverse neighborhood of Santé Fe Oaks. It was there where I was fortunate enough to meet a deaf family who willingly shared a piece of their culture with me: their Deaf Culture. Instantaneously, I became eager to soak up all the information on American Sign Language as I could. For instance, this past year I journeyed to the historic city of St. Augustine to visit the Florida School for the Deaf and Blind with my American Sign Language class.

Upon our arrival, the auditorium was filled with informational display boards, blaring music, and hundreds of kids ready to attract the newest attendants: us. We were expeditiously engaged in conversation with the swarm of kids surrounding us. One child in particular caught my eye; his name was Dan. Dan was born deaf and his parents never learned how to sign; instead, they decided to send him to the Florida School for the Deaf and Blind, the best deaf school in Florida.

After spending a day with him I learned of his love for drawing, playing duck-duck-goose and gaining new knowledge. I realized that Dan and I were extremely similar. Even though I wasn't born deaf like he was, we both found pleasure and satisfaction from being able to expand our knowledge. Maybe this is why I want to become a pediatric doctor and from the new experiences and opportunities that college life at the University of Florida will present me. I will be able to continue my quest for knowledge by contributing back to the Gator Community through service by helping kids just like Dan.

My interest in sign language was ignited at a very young age, while living in the diverse neighborhood of Santé Fe Oaks.

It was there that I was fortunate enough to meet a deaf family who willingly shared a piece of their culture with me: their Deaf Culture.

Instantly , I became eager to soak up all the information on American Sign Language as I could.

... instead, they decided to send him to the Florida School for the Deaf and Blind, the best deaf school --?? Is this the right term?--- in Florida.

Maybe this is why I want to become a pediatric doctor and gain new experiences and...

:)

Thanks EF_Susan! :)