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2 short essays: "why my interest in BU" and "how Smith will help me with my goals"

gabrielacb 5 / 17  
Oct 26, 2010   #1
I would love some help with these 2 short transfer essays. Please do comment on both or either of them. Any criticism is welcome!

1)"What specific aspects of Smith College will better meet your academic goals?"

Being a believer that social transformation can occur through documentary, I will take advantage of every class and project that might explore film and social responsibility. Between taking classes in the Third World Development Program and participating in the Green Team, I will definitely make time for community service and for the Project on Women and Social Change. I'm also looking forward to the challenge it will be to immerse myself in the Southern Indian culture through the study abroad program. For someone like me who wants to change the world, Smith is the ideal place to start learning how to do so.

2)"In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU and what steps you have taken to learn more about us."

A whole year had passed since my brother went off to study in BU, when my parents and I decided to go visit him and see for ourselves how a real university in US looked like. I was fifteen at the time and more worried about my math grades than about going to college or even transferring, as my brother had done. But as soon as I stepped on the BU campus, everything changed and I immediately fell in love with BU's enviroment. Since we would be spending around 15 days in Boston, I took every possible opportunity to visit the entire city and campus. From doing the general campus tour to doing a private tour inside the Communications College, from eating in a dinning hall to visiting some of the student organizations by brother was part of, I was mesmerized by all of it. Needless to say, after being forced to come back to my home and reality, I have frequently visited the BU website for four years now, always remembering the amazing things I saw. I simply cannot run away from the idea that as it was my brother's fate, it would also be my fate to finish my college studies in BU.

Thank you very much!
OP gabrielacb 5 / 17  
Oct 27, 2010   #2
Help, please! I need advice on those essays!
Essaychecker - / 2  
Oct 27, 2010   #3

I think both of your essays are good. I'm taking a wild guess and will guess that you are Brazilian. If so, talk about being Brazilian and try to contrast Universities in your home country and that of the United States. Show how the differences(if they exist),will greatly impact you. Aside from a few run on sentences and a few sentences lacking commas, your essays are great. Good Luck! Hope this helps.

OP gabrielacb 5 / 17  
Oct 27, 2010   #4
Thanks for the comment, it does help!
Yes, I am Brazilian and I would love to do as you said and contrast Universities, but the problem is that these essays need to be short. The first one limits to 100 words and the second one to six sentences...
Essaychecker - / 2  
Oct 27, 2010   #5

In the first essay you talk about Smith having the Third World Development Program. You can directly link that to Brazil's emergence as a World Power. For the second essay(BU) you should pick one aspect of college life at BU that is not available anywhere else including at Brazilian Universities. So far your most compelling argument for attending BU is that your brother attend. That doesn't really show BU that you are interested in BU, just that you BU is all that you have experienced. BTW, I'm a Carioca! Valeu

FYI, Brazilians are underrepresented at the nations top universities such as Harvard, Yale, Columbia and Penn etc...I think you would have a excellent shot at admissions. Let me know if you need any assistance with this.

mariatateno 6 / 35  
Nov 10, 2010   #6
few minor changes:

the US
stepped in BU's campus

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