Yeah, I know this essay isn't all that good, but comments, critiques, and criticisms would be greatly appreciated! By the way, I don't think the ending is the best either... If anyone could give me an idea on how to end it, that would be great!!!
Prompt: Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
I have decided to apply to both the Tepper School of Business and the Department of Information Systems at Carnegie Mellon University. I thought it would be a great idea to do this, because if, for some reason, I don't get admitted into the Tepper School of Business, I would always have a second chance at getting into the Department of Information Systems. I am interested in gaining admittance to both of these schools, but I feel I could take advantage of so many more business opportunities at Tepper than I could take advantage of at IS, which is the one of the reasons why I ranked Tepper as the number one school I wanted to get into.
Ever since I was a kid, I was interested in the complexities that were involved with the organization of almost any big business. I always wondered how individuals could effectively work together to be so successful, even to the point where they were actually making money based entirely upon this teamwork. This is the driving force behind why I thought it would be great to go to a university like Carnegie Mellon University. Carnegie Mellon has the advantage of being situated in Pittsburgh, a city where I can take place of all different kinds of business opportunities. However, there are many college situated in cities that are similar to Pittsburgh in this respect. What makes the Tepper School of Business at Carnegie Mellon so unique among the other business schools that I have seen is the fact that it gives its students a great degree of hands-on experience on how to properly and successfully manage the inner-workings of a business through the Management Game. I feel like I could benefit from this even more so than most other students because of the way in which my brain absorbs and processes information. I have always been a student that tends to learn "by example". I think that one of the primary reasons many entrepreneurs don't become extremely successful is because they lack the skills on how to successfully run and manage a business in an academic and scholarly setting, so that if they make a mistake, then they will be told they are doing so without having to worry about losing their business. If I make a mistake in top management in my business, then I can always focus on learning from that mistake and striving to possess a skill set that would prevent me from making that mistake again in the real world if I ultimately decide to start my own business. In my opinion, the Management Game is the primary reason why graduates from the Tepper School of Business tend to do so well in the business world. I strongly desire to be a part of this great legacy of unparalleled success in the business world, which is why I ranked Tepper as number one in my personal order of preference on my application.
Information Systems is also a school that I have great interest in at Carnegie Mellon. This is also a school that I feel would give me incredible preparation for the real world of business. I also appreciate the fact that the knowledge that I gain from IS can be successfully adapted to numerous real-world applications. This is extremely important to me, because I don't think anyone can seriously expect a seventeen-year-old to know with absolute certainty, what they are going to be doing for the rest of their lives. In other words, if I go into Information Systems, the degree of flexibility that comes with it will allow me to concentrate on my studies, rather than devoting time to worrying about how I'm going to place into a good job out of graduation. This will only benefit me if I go into Information Systems. In my opinion, the primary reason why IS majors are able to handle jobs in enormous, fast-paced businesses is because they receive an incredible amount of rational decision-making skills in IS. The nature of the job market is becoming much more globalized day by day and I know that the skills that I can learn in IS will give me an advantage over those who I will be competing with for jobs in the marketplace. I also know that the diversity that I will experience at Carnegie Mellon will thoroughly prepare me to successfully interact with people from all around the world. I can't see myself being prepared for the real world anywhere else other than at Carnegie Mellon University.
have decided to apply to both the Tepper School of Business and the Department of Information Systems at Carnegie Mellon University. I thought it would be a great idea to do this, because if, for some reason, I don't get admitted into the Tepper School of Business, I would always have a second chance at getting into the Department of Information Systems. I am interested in gaining admittance to both of these schools, but I feel I could take advantage of so many more business opportunities at Tepper than I could take advantage of at IS, which is the one of the reasons why I ranked Tepper as my number one choice among school's I wanted to get into.
How about instead of,
I can't see myself being prepared for the real world anywhere else other than at Carnegie Mellon University,
As I establish a strong foundation for my career, I know that Carnegie Mellon University can prepare me for real-world experience.