This is my essay for admission to The Ohio State University. If you would please review it, and offer any suggestions, that would be very helpful. Please be harsh if you must, because this essay could possibly decide where my college career begins. I'd be glad to offer any suggestions on your essays. Thanks! This is a first draft by the way.
Prompt: Why are you interested in The Ohio State University?
I want to attend The Ohio State University because I am interested in my future. I see Ohio State as the second stepping stone to being a successful member of society, the first being my high school education at St. Xavier High School. The Ohio State University is where I want my roots to begin, and grow, not only for myself, but for the future of my family. I want to proudly be an alumnus, and to tell my children that I went to The Ohio State University, majored in Political Science, and am now making a difference. I believe that is what Ohio State will prepare me to do. I know that when I receive my education at Ohio State, I will be ready to give back to those who made me successful.
The Ohio State University is the school where not only doors will open, but so will opportunities to grow as a leader, a person, and a friend. However, it is my objective to not just be handed everything, but to give back to the school. As the former Youth Mayor of Cincinnati, and as the current Youth Governor of Ohio, many of the projects I have established are projects that will be continued throughout the future to have a lasting impact. My promise to The Ohio State University is that when I graduate from Ohio State, I will have made it a better learning institution, and a better atmosphere than when I began my freshman year. It is my promise to give back to those who made me successful, and to give back to the school which made it possible. I am Ohio State, and I look forward to working with you to make it a better place now, and for the future.
1. You mention your high scool along with Ohio state too much, you should just focus on Ohio State.
2. You still don't mention why you're interested in Ohio State, you just talk about how you'll contribute to it. Try talking about what you'll major and how Ohio State along with its programs and activities will help you reach your goal.
The prompt asks why you are interested in the school so try to talk about what the school has that interest you. Like majors, research, teachers, or athletics. Talk about its great programs and talk a little about what you can do there that other places dont offer. Talk about what makes it special to you and the reason why you choose to apply to this school.
Good luck with everything and I hope you get it.
Also if you could read my common app essay it would be greatly appriciated.