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"my interests in Biomedical Engineering" - Pennsylvania Supplement: Paths at Upenn


nabid777 4 / 9  
Dec 18, 2010   #1
Can you guys tell me whether this essay is answering the prompt correctly? And please help me with grammar and word choice. thanks

What I hope to accomplish at the University of Pennsylvania is to pursue my interests in Biomedical Engineering. I have acquired a taste for innovation, creation and problem solving throughout my life time. Flashback eight years ago and I could be found in my parent's bedroom lying in a sea of Legos immersed in the battle suit or rocket vehicle I am creating; playing with sockets, hinges, gears and axels gave me a sample taste of engineering. This playful hobby evolved into my interests in taking woodshop and advanced placement science classes in high school culminating into an incessant curiosity in how technology and humans function, all the way down to the molecular level. And then I began to think, "What can happen when you combine aspects of technology and engineering with the human body?" Biomedical Engineering is definitely the pathway that can turn that curiosity into reality. I examined this field at a visual level when I visited the Human Bodies exhibit in New York, an exhibit that exposed the intricate systems of humans through using real bodies. There was one section that displayed various prosthetic devices integrated within the body: steel cranial plates, artificial ligaments, and replacement joints and sockets. I was fascinated by this medical feat: repairing broken interfaces within the human body by introducing these metal and plastic parts. It made me wonder how these synthetic components interacted with the human body and what sorts of modifications they would undergo in the future. The marriage of scientific and engineering principles to the laws and systems of the human body for the intention of improving healthcare is a clear and beautiful vision to which I see myself contributing. I hope to further this vision and apply it through a multitude of undergraduate research opportunities at UPenn; being exposed to different research sectors within Biomedical engineering will help me find the topics I am interested in such as tissue engineering, prosthetics, or cancer/viral detection methods. But in the field of engineering, I do not want to stop there. Joining Engineers without Borders at UPenn would have me apply practical engineering skills and concepts to real life-situations and make a positive difference for developing communities in Guatemala or South Africa.

While I do have an inclination towards engineering, I love to make people laugh; whether it is dressing up in a 70's track uniform for spirit day at my school or reading a portion of Hamlet in my Barack Obama voice in English class. During the summer, my friends and I pitched in fifteen dollars each to buy a full-sized penguin mascot suit to entertain our town of Fairfield. We went to various locations in our town such as the community theatre, the local Dairy Queen, and our high school where we did skits that involved the Penguin break dancing, practicing Karate, and doing other goofy things. Thought what really made it significant was that our humor was very clean and that people from age five to age sixty were laughing hysterically at us; we were bringing laughter to the citizens of Fairfield. With that I see myself joining UPenn's comedy club Without a Net; I definitely enjoyed creating public skits with a penguin suit, so I would like to continue in that direction. Lastly, I want a college environment that fosters a multitude of cultures and traditions, and I am glad UPenn provides that. Joining the Muslim Students Association at UPenn will not only help me retain my cultural identity, but also give me a chance to meet and interact with other students within my background.
iceui2 - / 70  
Dec 20, 2010   #2
Hmm... it'd be nice if Penn actually had a Biomedical Engineering major. Also, you should talk more about Penn than about yourself. Anyways, good luck!
OP nabid777 4 / 9  
Dec 23, 2010   #3
they do have a biomedical engineering major its new but thanks
vladic007 9 / 22  
Dec 23, 2010   #4
First, you write about a half of your essay talking about your interesent in biomed eng. (childhood and stuff). Then you write only this:
"I hope to further this vision and apply it through a multitude of undergraduate research opportunities at UPenn; being exposed to different research sectors within Biomedical engineering will help me find the topics I am interested in such as tissue engineering, prosthetics, or cancer/viral detection methods. But in the field of engineering, I do not want to stop there. Joining Engineers without Borders at UPenn would have me apply practical engineering skills and concepts to real life-situations and make a positive difference for developing communities in Guatemala or South Africa."

2 phrases (yes, 2 long phrases).
This is not enough! Try to be even more specific why biomed at Penn. Read some research articles. Try to imput more in the idea why biomed at Penn.

The second part is quite good. (comedy)

Try working more on the first part, and it will be ideal!

Good luck!
tonglil 3 / 8  
Dec 23, 2010   #5
Same advice I gave to another person: don't use "UPenn", it's just "Penn" :)
OP nabid777 4 / 9  
Dec 24, 2010   #6
Vladic, in my revised version, which i have sent already, I talked about Penns 3 teaching labs, will that help me or should I have put more into it? In retrospect I should have talked more about my specific interests in the biomedical field but unfortunately I have submitted :(
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 30, 2010   #7
I should have talked more about my specific interests in the biomedical field

I agree. If you are more specific, the reader sees that you are really putting a lot of thought into this process, your education. This is too general:

What I hope to accomplish at the University of Pennsylvania is to pursue my interests in Biomedical Engineering.
A better sentence would be like this:
What I hope to accomplish by learning Biomedical Engineering at the University of Pennsylvania is ____________________. Do you see how that would make the message of the essay twice as meaningful? You give the necessary info, but you also share a glimpse of your specific action plan.

This part is impressive: tissue engineering, prosthetics, or cancer/viral detection methods.---- to complete it, you should mention some articles that Penn professors have written about these topics. Cite their work.

I hope they accept you!! You are obviously a good student.


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