Hey, I'm looking for essay tightening and any grammatical corrections. Open to changes and inputs.
Prompt: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. (250-650 words)
NOTE: I'm focusing on my interest in science, narrowing it into computer science. I also speak of my work in it and what I hope to focus and achieve.
I had been sitting by a window in a well-lit classroom when my physics professor informed us of the upcoming science exhibition - the opportunity to build anything you wanted and the chance to be the display of the year. Given a timeframe of two weeks, my friends and I decided to build a fully functional wind-turbine. We spent all our time in a workshop, building the frame, dynamo, replica city and multiple fan blades. The experience was thrilling, stimulating and most of all educational. Our project, along with a few others, was chosen to be displayed at the entrance of the exhibition. Although we failed to achieve the display of the year, our turbine was successful.
Science is rewarding when tackled with determination and unyielding passion. The subject has always captivated me, pushing me forward to new extents in order to search and learn new concepts. Growing up, I've always been intrigued by science, the ability to draw conclusions from observations and thereby completely change lifestyles. My love for science often catapulted me to the top of my class and helped frame me with a reputation of asking random science questions just for the sake of understanding. The questions posed by the subject along with the nuances of the various topics often fascinated me, pulling me deeper into studying several unrelated topics.
Over the course of time my field of interest got narrower, I started focusing on a single subject of STEM - Computer Science. About two years ago, I came to know what computer science essentially was - a logical and analytical challenge to a human's thought process, by then I knew this was what I wanted to pursue. Over the course of time, I strived to learn about programming and where it may possibly lead me. Writing a long program and compiling it without errors, producing the pseudocode to a challenging question or finding that one bug which took me hours, these moments were most likely the greatest. These accomplishments instilled a feeling of direction and served the purpose of nurturing my passion for the subject.
Personally, my greatest progress in the field of computer science, one that I truly cherish and enjoy, was when I was offered an opportunity to work in a student organization named Engineer Design Team. I faced a challenge of programming a hexacopter to be autonomous for The International Aerial Robotics Competition. Path planning and mapping are the two main aspects that I focus on programming; primarily using ROS for programming and Gazebo and Rviz for simulation. Working with a team of diverse engineer majors created a table of diverse ideas and coursework, thereby providing me with an unparalleled learning atmosphere. Competing in robotics sharpened my communication skills, honed my team management skills, and opened my mind to new methods of solving problems.
I plan to further narrow my passion of computer science into Machine Learning - the science behind creating code something that could make far better decisions and predictions than man ever could. The knowledge that computers can be made to create something that can think independently is possibly the one single thing that has fascinated me no end. I aim to merge machine learning with quantum computing in order to fabricate supercomputers of unparalleled power. This technology could be integrated into NASA programs for autonomous space travel. Practical applications such as creating industrial mechanisms that can run with substantially improved decision making and more precise automated movements can also become a reality.
Over the past century, computer science has both undergone an exponential growth and produced a revolutionary change in mankind's lifestyle. I'd like to be a driving force in this change. However, I possess only a few drops of this vast ocean of language. I believe that Purdue, being one of the world's greatest research institutions, can provide the cornerstone for my future career as a computer scientist.
Thank You!!
Hey Logesh :-0 The background narrative is really interesting and relevant to the way you set up your personal prompt. It really highlighted the progress of your interest in computer science in such a manner that allows the reviewer to see your passion increasing as your knowledge in the field advanced as well. However, I feel that you could have lessened the story of your early foundation since that part just felt like you were beating around the bush to fill in the word count before getting to the actual purpose of the essay. So, if you would lessen that part and instead, increase the discussion of your participation in the Engineer Design Team because that relates more to your current passion and interest in computer science. It also strengthens the concept of your foundation in the field.
Now, with regards to your concluding statement, I would not be discussing or mentioning the reason why you want to enroll at Purdue. the whole point of this essay is to keep the focus on your background story. The reviewer would like to know about the development of your passion, your work ethic, or other related traits. He will not be interested, in a discussion as to why you are pleading for a student slot at their university. Save that statement for a more relevant prompt.
Hey Louisa,
I'm really sorry for the late reply. I ended up falling sick. I made a few changes but I'm over the word limit by 27 words. So I couldn't really expand the EDT part. Any thoughts or grammatical errors? Could you tighten it (at parts where you feel it needs to be done)?
My physics professor entered the classroom with a spark in his eyes. He informed us, with excitement, of the upcoming science exhibition - the opportunity to build anything you wanted and the chance to be the display of the year. Given a timeframe of two weeks, my friends and I decided to build a fully functional wind-turbine. Implementing theory into practical use by building a dynamo; this was most definitely the highlight of working on the turbine. Our project, along with a few others, was chosen to be displayed at the entrance of the exhibition. Although we failed to achieve the display of the year, our turbine was successful.
Science is rewarding when tackled with determination and unyielding passion. The subject has always captivated me, pushing me forward to new extents in order to search and learn the why's behind a phenomenon or understand the nuances of various topics. Growing up, I've always been intrigued by science, namely, the ability to draw conclusions from observations and thereby completely change lifestyles. My love for science often catapulted me to the top of my class and helped frame me with a reputation of asking random science questions just for the sake of understanding.
About two years ago, I came to know what computer science essentially was - a logical and analytical challenge to a human's thought process. Upon further insight into the subject, my field of interest got narrower; I started focusing on a single subject of STEM - Computer Science. Over the course of time, I strived to learn about programming and where it may possibly lead me. Writing a long program and compiling it without errors, producing the pseudocode to a challenging question or finding that one bug which took me hours, these moments were most likely the greatest. Each new challenge enthralled me, pushed me and eventually taught me. To me, learning computer science felt nothing short of perfect and so I often found myself at the top of my class. These accomplishments instilled a feeling of direction and served the purpose of nurturing my passion for the subject.
Personally, my greatest development in the field of computer science, one that I cherish and enjoy, was when I was offered an opportunity to work in a student organization named Engineer Design Team. I faced a challenge of programming a hexacopter to be autonomous for The International Aerial Robotics Competition. Path planning and mapping are the two main aspects that I focus on programming; primarily using ROS for programming and Gazebo for simulation. Working with a team of diverse engineer majors created a table of varied ideas and coursework, thereby providing me with an unparalleled learning atmosphere. Apart from that, competing in robotics sharpened my communication skills, honed my team management skills, and has thrown me into an ocean of new ideas and methodologies.
I plan to further narrow my passion of computer science into Machine Learning - the science behind creating something that could make far better decisions and predictions than man ever could. The knowledge that computers can be made to create something that can think independently is possibly the one single thing that has fascinated me to no end. My goal is to push the very limits of science, expand it and introduce something new to the world. The only way I'd like to achieve this is by pouring my passion and devotion into ML. I aim to merge machine learning with quantum computing in order to fabricate supercomputers of unparalleled power, thereby pushing the limits of science. This technology could be integrated into NASA programs for autonomous space travel. Practical applications such as creating industrial mechanisms that can run with substantially improved decision making and more precise automated movements can also become a reality.
I stand, facing my limits and challenges, facing the boundaries of science and looking into what awaits me. I stand, knowing my purpose is to be a driving force in science. With access to the right resources, I will dedicate myself to my passion and emerge as a successful computer scientist.
Thank You!!
Great development Logesh. Be proud of this background story. It is one that really reflects the strength of your background in computers. Your dedication to the craft, and how your experiences can all add up to help you pursue a very impressive career in the field, should your enrollment at the university permit :-) Your discussion that combines an excellent look at your background, talent, and interest in the field has created a written version of your personality that should truly help your essay become interesting to the reviewer.
As for the problem with the 27 words,the bet way to approach the editing is by removing the narration at the start of the essay. Since your group failed to win that competition, it isn't really in your best interest to present that story. Only present the information that will increase your chances at admission. Joining a competition where you did not manage to place in the winner's podium isn't going to help your application. It only helps if you won.
Don't worry, the essay is very strong even without the reference to that event. As long as you deliver on the background, interest, and talent aspect, you don't have to worry about presenting yourself as a winner. The character traits and development of your interest already made you a winner in some way :-)
Thanks a lot for your feedback! It's extremely encouraging :D Glad to know I finally wrote a decent essay haha.
As for the beginning, I figured starting with an anecdote would be good. It wasn't really a competition but was more of an exhibition where students showed off their talents. Out of about 250 submissions, ours was one of 7(or so) to be selected. I shortened it to remove the parts about loss and it is now at 650.
My physics professor entered the classroom with a spark in his eyes. He informed us, with excitement, of the upcoming science exhibition - the opportunity to build anything you wanted. Given a timeframe of two weeks, my friends and I decided to build a fully functional wind-turbine. Implementing theory into practice by building a dynamo; this was most definitely the highlight of working on the turbine. Our project, along with a few others, was chosen to be displayed at the entrance of the exhibition.
Thanks again. You really are amazing :D
