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'interests by tutoring people' - UC Prompt #1 Essay: Meaning of Life


Donesaur 2 / 2  
Nov 27, 2012   #1
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"What is the meaning of life?" is a question many ask themselves when they are feeling lost or unmotivated, or just curious as to what it may really be. Whenever I ask myself about life I turn to towards the people I look up to. Those people, my family, have helped me greatly in the struggles life has put me through and refined the person I am today.

Since I was young I lived a contented lifestyle. Nothing particularly bad happened as I grew up, however, I lived with a few siblings that have put in some personal struggles. When it was just my cousin and me, I had no problem living life. Additionally, throughout my years in up until now, I was always known at school as someone who was highly intelligent and helpful towards others as helping others was what made me happy. Although, I was cheerful at school, I had problems at home. As I gradually gained siblings, I felt like my parents began to pay less and less attention to me and more towards my siblings. Eventually the only time I felt any type of love or affection from them is when I came home with either A's on my report cards or special awards, which is part of the reason why I try so hard to maintain high grades. Otherwise, they would always just tell what to do and what not to do with life. So in addition to no affection, I also felt like I had no freedom to make my own choices.

I continued to pursue my interests by tutoring people in subjects that I excelled in such as math and science. At home I still continued to struggle trying to show my parents how well I did in school just to get even a minimal amount of praise. Then one day I was alone in the car with my mom and she continued to tell me about how my sister is in guard, and how she's so happy my other siblings are passing their classes and talked about how she was going to get them some food to surprise them for it. Eventually I just lost and went right out to ask her why she cares about them so much but, rarely ever talks about all the goals I have accomplished in life. She was silent for awhile, and asked if that's how I really feel and without hesitation spoke about how they usually don't show a lot of affection because they saw me as someone who has their life figured out and continued to talk about how they are always proud of me despite their lack of physical compassion. Hearing this made my heart skip a beat, and even my eyes welled up with joy. I never knew that they cared so much about me. As we drove up to our house, I apologized and thought, "How could I ever doubt them?" My mom said that there was nothing to be sorry about that it was partially her fault, but went on to tell me how they also believed I would be the most successful in life because of my grades and personality.
4m4jordan4m4 8 / 16 1  
Nov 27, 2012   #2
The conversation with your mom is sweet and I like the question in the intro paragraph, but I feel that the writing is worded to simply and many parts flow together awkwardly. Focus more on how your family shaped you and less complaining about your seemingly blessed childhood. Sorry if this sounds harsh, good luck.
diebysenioritis 7 / 17 7  
Nov 27, 2012   #3
(1) It's typically considered cliche to open an essay with a rhetorical question, especially since you're essay isn't addressing this question.

(2) This statement conflicts with a few sentences later in the passage. You mention you "had problems at home," and asked your mom why she didn't mention the "goals [you] have accomplished" - implying that you had struggles, otherwise they wouldn't be accomplishments.

(3) You should demonstrate rather than just mention this. If helping others is your passion, why not consider writing about that instead?

(4) What interests? If you mean't that tutoring people was your interest then you should rephrase this part.

(5) People won't know what "guard" let alone "Color Guard". I only knew because I'm a hella band nerd but I highly doubt any of the college admission readers will be.

(6) This implies that you must have been not passing some classes.

(7) This relates to number 1 . What goals are these?

(8) This is a run-on-sentence.

Wheeh, Okay. Your narrations need to be in the past tense the entire time, not skipping. In general, you can say more with less with conjunctions (of course, sparingly) and by omitting the adverbs you're using (however, though, ect.). You hint about you're own accomplishments but they aren't mentioned. The second half of the prompt about shaping your dreams and aspirations isn't answered. If you parents think that you know you're direction in life, what made them think that and why? But do you agree with those thoughts. By the essay end, nothing seems to have happened other than that you gain your parents approval. What does their appreciation mean to you and what do you plan to do with it?

Sorry If i was a little harsh but these essay are due in the next few days and I imagined you wanted as much help as you can get. Good luck!
toeknee692 2 / 2  
Nov 27, 2012   #4
You should reflect more on the first paragraph, talk how you were refined and how you were shaped.
"Nothing particularly bad happened as I grew up, however, I lived with a few siblings that have put in some personal struggles" You should change or take this out so that it would not make you sound contradictory.

"I continued to pursue my interests by tutoring people" You should mention that you tutored before or why you started tutoring.
Overall, the idea is very good, but you should really reflect and explain on most of things you had said.
OP Donesaur 2 / 2  
Nov 27, 2012   #5
Thank you for your replies!!! I am already taking your replies into consideration and it is helping me greatly!!!


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