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the International Baccalaureate program - UF Application Essay


brojas30 1 / 1  
Aug 19, 2009   #1
I'm doing my UF application essay. This is the rough draft, I know it has to be a narrative but does anyone have any suggestions of how I can make this essay look more like a story?? Please help.!

Please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

High school is the pivotal moment in a teenager's life when the most important and meaningful events occur. My high school years can be stated as the most unique; nevertheless, challenging moment I've overcome thus far. Being a part of the International Baccalaureate program accounts for the educational obstacles I've had to conquer as well as the long, sleepless nights I've spent studying for major exams. This program has indeed affected me in a number of indescribable ways. It has allowed me to emotionally grow, improve my communication skills, and view society from a different, more personal perspective. Although students generally take part in the traditional high school courses, I decided to enter this program for the exceptional opportunities it offered. I soon became aware that the experience of taking rigorous mandatory classes combined with community service projects offered much more than was expected.

In the beginning of my experience within the International Baccalaureate program I simply grew accustomed to completing loads of homework, placing the finishing touches on projects, and cramming for exams. By the second year in the program, I began taking into consideration the material that was given to me in a much more precise and detailed manner. Homework was no longer just homework but worksheets filled with pre-calculus calculations that would aid me in my physics class. Literature projects were assignments that would allow me to read novels in a whole new light. By completing the daily but stressful work that the program required, it became common to organize study schedules for exams as well as manage extracurricular activities and school assignments. Therefore, time and stress management were key factors in "surviving IB hell." The fact that these skills have become second nature to me is one of the many ways in which this program has fully prepared me for college life.

Moreover, the International Baccalaureate program has allowed me to improve my communication skills with ethnically diverse groups. Due to the program's culturally diverse students, I have acquired knowledge from different languages, countries, and customs that I have grown to enjoy. The daily interaction with individuals from around the globe has opened my mind to new aspects of living and the manner in which I can mentally prepare myself for the upcoming culture shock in college life. I have grown to appreciate varying cultures and feel that the UF community is filled with this rich diversity that I am anticipating. Being a part of this multifaceted program has altered my outlook of society because I now view education as a source of aiding and helping others.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 19, 2009   #2
High school is the pivotal moment in a teenager's life when the most important and meaningful events occur. My high school years can be stated as the most unique; nevertheless, challenging moment I've overcome thus far.

^The first sentence can be removed.
The second sentence: 'most unique'. Sounds really arrogant. After the semi colon, your grammar is pretty poor.

This program has indeed affected me in a number of indescribable ways.

^Indescribable? Yet, here you are, going to tell your readers in some description, about these ways. Do you not know, what indescribable means? Or did you think that a hyperbole would make your essay interesting?

It has allowed me to emotionally grow, improve my communication skills, and view society from a different, more personal perspective.

^Wow. Can you at least tell your readers, how? Producing bold statements rarely does any good.

I now view education as a source of aiding and helping others.

^That is your final line, even though you have not said anything earlier in your essay to suggest this sentiment of yours. Not good.

*You produce no link between

a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community

and your second paragraph.
Also, there is nothing 'unique' about your high school experience as you said in your first paragraph. Other IB students probably dealt with what you just did. Others may have dealt with more.
love_mashimaro2 - / 22  
Aug 23, 2009   #3
After reading this, I think that you should stick with a personal experience rather than what you accomplished in your academics.

Also, there is nothing 'unique' about your high school experience as you said in your first paragraph. Other IB students probably dealt with what you just did. Others may have dealt with more.

This could be anybody in an IB/AP program. Include moments that convey who you are that way the college will know how YOU are unique not your "high school" experience you described above.
OP brojas30 1 / 1  
Sep 2, 2009   #4
Thanks for the feedback.
I'm not using this essay whatsoever.
I agree it's not personal enough, therefore, I wrote a different essay.


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