Hi! can someone please correct this essay and give feedback. (this is my cousin's essay for UPenn.) Thanks!
Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.
I like the way you write your essays - they're really straight to the point.
The question, however, asks for HOW will contribute to the university. The question that you're answering throughout your essay is WHY you want to attend certain communities. I mean that's great, because it answers the first part of the question (so it is ideal to leave it in), but what im suggesting is, talk about what you can do to these communities and to the larger society.
For example on your AIM:
One of the goals for AIM is to raise awareness of international issues. I can contribute to AIM by sharing my knowledge and passion for international business, and I can also help to raise awareness around the Penn community. (elaborate from here).
That was just an example, you can beautify it with many many many examples like..:
I can help raise awareness by, for example, organising a high school course on business responsibility to get the school kids to know more about the international predicaments based on business. E T C.
As for your social interests... Great, you've been involved with moon festival at Chinatown. Say a bit more on how you're going to teach others the Chinese culture. Maybe you can give individual lectures to Elementary school kids. Maybe you can organise a chinese activity for the university to raise awareness of your own culture throughout the university.
Talk more about HOW you're going to contribute to the society. The limit is one page, so I'm assuming you still have space to include stuff in.
Oh, and keep it straight to the point, like you did in this essay. It's really good.
There are a few grammar mistakes, which i'll fix, if noone is willing to do so soon. :)
thanks for your suggestions:) I will post the edit one up later and can you please correct my grammar and mistakes. Thank You^^
Is this a better version of the previous essay?? Thanks to anyone who gives feedback:)
The University of Pennsylvania is an Ivy League school in my backyard. I have lived in Philadelphia for four years now and since the time when I moved here it has always be my dream to go to Penn. From the time of my college visit to Penn this summer, I became more determine that this is the place where I wanted to attend next fall because Penn offers exactly what I was looking for.
Penn offers many social ...
I think your essay is to the point but wording is very simplistic. Try to put bigger words if you can and amaze the readers of your high english skills
Yes, this is much better, and it's almost ready to be handed in. It's not a perfect essay because of the level of vocabulary (i have the same problem too and i just don't bother any more lol...), but its certainly one of the strong ones. You state what you're interested in, you state what you can contribute to the community, and you state how you can contribute to the Penn society.
This essay, for some reason, has significantly less grammar mistakes than the previous one! This essay flows, and I think its a really well-developed, strong, concise essay. The only room for improvement, as i said above, is vocabulary use :).
sincefrom the time when I moved here,I always wanted to attend Penn. From the time of my college visit to After I had visited Penn this summer, I was more determined
wasam looking for.
Penn offers many social activities and clubs that
interestedinterest me. One of the social communities that I want ed to participate in Penn is the Chinese Students Association. First and foremost, I am a Chinese so I want to be a part of a community that connects to my background. I would then have the chance to meet more people that share the same cultural background as me, an opportunity for me to learn more about my culture. During the spring time of this year, I volunteered at the moon festival in Chinatown, inat which I realize that many Americans were really interested in the Chinese culture. I believe that by being involved in the Chinese Students Association, I will be given the opportunity to share with others and to teach them about the Chinese culture. One way that I can teach others about the Chinese culture is by organizing several Chinese cultural activities with other members throughout the campus on special Chinese holidays, such as Chinese year, to let other students that are not involve in the association know that it is possible for people with different cultural background to work together as a big family if they share the same interest and enjoy doing the same activities.
My first choice of major is International Business; therefore, the academic community that I wanted to participate in Penn is the Awareness of International Market (AIM). After my research on AIM, I found out that it teaches students about the economic, political, social, and cultural aspects of foreign market.
which really interested meThis caught my attention because I believe that AIM will give me the opportunity to learn more about the international market that is not being taught in the classroom. Furthermore, being a part of the community will be a great way for me to discuss the current international market issues with my fellow student and to enhance my knowledge by listening to different ideas from other student members. One of the main goals of the AIM is to raise awareness of international issues. In order to raise awareness around the Penn community of international market issues, I, along with other members, am willing to put up posters throughout the campus to increase awareness and by going to elementary and high schools to give lectures in order for theto students so that they can learn more about international predicaments based on business. Although my knowledge on the international market wasis not so great but I will contribute to AIM by applying what I learned and sharing my knowledge and passion for international business with others.
Goodluck. Nearly there.
Thank You so much for your help:) I know the vocabulary is my weakest part and I will try to improve it. Thanks again!
By the way, I read your essay and it's pretty good:) Good luck to you too^^