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"My International Community" - University of Michigan Community Essay

freddylee 1 / 1  
Jul 31, 2011   #1
Please tell me what I could improve on!! I really appreciate the help :)

Every time I push the creaking door under the heat of the sun or slam my body against the frozen shut door into Woo Yong's Taekwondo, I smell the familiar tang of sweat of determination, feel the pressing atmosphere of frustration, and see the modest gym on which many people before me have experienced pain, humility, and most importantly success. This is my community wherein I feel the most accepted and at ease.

The academy is more of a subcategory of an international community of Taekwondo; even though I am but one competitor among myriads, there is still a sense of individuality that separates each from the whole. This independence is a strange thing for although I am just a neuron amidst countless others, I still am a significant part of the whole, intricate brain.

If students at my academy are asked how we are interconnected, the quintessence of all our answers would probably be perseverance and reliance. It is true that Taekwondo is an individual sport, but when training, we must work as a team. Whether it be holding pads or sparring with my partner, every moment that his or her foot connects with what I am holding or me, I feel the silent communication of each clapping collision. It is through this teamwork and dedication that each one of us is able to succeed. I wouldn't have been able to win silver and bronze medals at the 2010 Junior Nationals or become the captain of the provincial demonstration team without my ambition and the driving support of not only my fellow athletes at the academy, but also the whole, international community.

derakim 1 / 1  
Jul 31, 2011   #2
"competitor among myriads"
"interconnected, the quintessence of all"

These seem a bit awkward... you don't have to use more "intelligent" words to sound smarter - they have your transcripts and test scores to prove that! Unless you really use the word "quintessence" often in your daily life - don't include it. This essay is supposed to sound like YOU!

I like your connection with Tae Kwon Do - but I think you can dig even deeper than this.

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