I inserted some sentences on purpose because I want this to be my essay. I only need feedback :-)
One particular day, when I was in elementary school, I found a book. A book that changed my views of life; History of The World (should I change the wording again or is this good enough as a hook?) . As I scanned through the pages, I was awestruck by the fact that we live in such a rapidly changing/modernized (which one is better??) world today is undeniably the result of the world's important figures' contribution and interconnection between nations; a country doesn't exist solely on its own. ( do you think it's necessary? Bc I think I'm going to discard the sentence and replace it with something else or just leave it blank and end the sentence).
My journey of becoming passionate with International Relations embarked after I attended Junior High School. I expanded my knowledge by watching international news, devouring books about diplomacy owned by my father, and even debating about global matters with fellow students. ( I don't know how you will view this but I think this is good enough)
Once I entered High School, I developed a strong interest in foreign languages that supported my passion in International Relations. I was introduced to French as a mandatory subject, and also began to teach myself Korean, Mandarin, and most importantly, Japanese. I had the incredible opportunity to be part of delegation of the government-supported student exchange program JENESYS. The experience of setting foot on the advanced nation and representing my country there was genuinely exhilarating- convincing me that I would return someday to relive the moments. (I'm pretty satisfied with these series of paragraphs but once again, I'm still uncertain about the structure and the wording)
I chose TIU for several aspects that I consider favorable for my study in International Relations. First and foremost, when it comes to international focus and highly international learning environment, this university is second to none; it takes a surefire approach to the majors that are designed to learn matters that are vital to the future of the global affairs.
Secondly,(still have yet to insert a sentence, nothing appropriate or creative has popped up in my mind) I especially enjoy being in small classes which will allow me to thrive, as I can build intimate bonds with fellow students and the professors. Thirdly, the facilities available in TIU are tailored to bolster academic performance as well as to complement non-academic qualities beyond textbooks and lectures. However, what particularly caught my attention is its quirky tradition, International Fair, as it strengthens the diverse atmosphere this university offers and will enrich my cross-cultural insight.
Furthermore, TIU is an impeccable fusion of both modernity and cultural authenticity; enabling international students to study for desired degree in English while still maintaining traditional Japanese values amidst the hustle bustle of the flourishing metropolis of Japan by providing fast-paced yet intensive Japanese lessons. Not only would I be able to hone my linguistic skills, it would also reveal (or is open a better word to replace reveal?) gateways (because I personally think it would be awkward to place the word doors there) to countless career possibilities. (the wording is still very messy, and I think this paragraph should be placed before the second one, idk)
Lastly, being able to interact, communicate, and discuss intellectually stimulating topics with competent students from different cultural backgrounds and greatly various outlooks will be a valuable experience to broaden my horizon in the field of International Relations. (not yet sure about the wording either).
During my study, I would like to gain professional experience by carrying out internships at various Japanese companies, preferably affiliated with multinational companies. (I'm stuck on this, but I've made some prompts, and I hope you can suggest how I can structure a paragraph:
1. Further Education to the graduate level
2. Carry out internships at various Japanese companies affiliated with multinational companies to gain some professional experience/professionalism
3. After finishing education, aiming to work for the Japanese embassy in my home country/ work for the Indonesian embassy in Japan (I'll still have to decide)
Thank you very much for your assitance!