I inserted some sentences on purpose because I want this to be my essay. I only need feedback :-)
One particular day, when I was in elementary school, I found a book. A book that changed my views of life; History of The World (should I change the wording again or is this good enough as a hook?) . As I scanned through the pages, I was awestruck by the fact that we live in such a rapidly changing/modernized (which one is better??) world today is undeniably the result of the world's important figures' contribution and interconnection between nations; a country doesn't exist solely on its own. ( do you think it's necessary? Bc I think I'm going to discard the sentence and replace it with something else or just leave it blank and end the sentence).
My journey of becoming passionate with International Relations embarked after I attended Junior High School. I expanded my knowledge by watching international news, devouring books about diplomacy owned by my father, and even debating about global matters with fellow students. ( I don't know how you will view this but I think this is good enough)
Once I entered High School, I developed a strong interest in foreign languages that supported my passion in International Relations. I was introduced to French as a mandatory subject, and also began to teach myself Korean, Mandarin, and most importantly, Japanese. I had the incredible opportunity to be part of delegation of the government-supported student exchange program JENESYS. The experience of setting foot on the advanced nation and representing my country there was genuinely exhilarating- convincing me that I would return someday to relive the moments. (I'm pretty satisfied with these series of paragraphs but once again, I'm still uncertain about the structure and the wording)
I chose TIU for several aspects that I consider favorable for my study in International Relations. First and foremost, when it comes to international focus and highly international learning environment, this university is second to none; it takes a surefire approach to the majors that are designed to learn matters that are vital to the future of the global affairs.
Secondly,(still have yet to insert a sentence, nothing appropriate or creative has popped up in my mind) I especially enjoy being in small classes which will allow me to thrive, as I can build intimate bonds with fellow students and the professors. Thirdly, the facilities available in TIU are tailored to bolster academic performance as well as to complement non-academic qualities beyond textbooks and lectures. However, what particularly caught my attention is its quirky tradition, International Fair, as it strengthens the diverse atmosphere this university offers and will enrich my cross-cultural insight.
Furthermore, TIU is an impeccable fusion of both modernity and cultural authenticity; enabling international students to study for desired degree in English while still maintaining traditional Japanese values amidst the hustle bustle of the flourishing metropolis of Japan by providing fast-paced yet intensive Japanese lessons. Not only would I be able to hone my linguistic skills, it would also reveal (or is open a better word to replace reveal?) gateways (because I personally think it would be awkward to place the word doors there) to countless career possibilities. (the wording is still very messy, and I think this paragraph should be placed before the second one, idk)
Lastly, being able to interact, communicate, and discuss intellectually stimulating topics with competent students from different cultural backgrounds and greatly various outlooks will be a valuable experience to broaden my horizon in the field of International Relations. (not yet sure about the wording either).
During my study, I would like to gain professional experience by carrying out internships at various Japanese companies, preferably affiliated with multinational companies. (I'm stuck on this, but I've made some prompts, and I hope you can suggest how I can structure a paragraph:
1. Further Education to the graduate level
2. Carry out internships at various Japanese companies affiliated with multinational companies to gain some professional experience/professionalism
3. After finishing education, aiming to work for the Japanese embassy in my home country/ work for the Indonesian embassy in Japan (I'll still have to decide)
Thank you very much for your assitance!
Monika, let me give you feedback for your essay on a per paragraph basis. I think it will be best to do it that way since you have comments pertaining to each thought you had :-)
For the first paragraph, you should show a stronger foundation for your international relations interest other than just reading books. International Relations is considered a highly complex course pertaining to the camaraderie of nations. Since you are stating the purpose for your studies, you need to create that solid foundation in that paragraph. For a hook, I suggest you use the statement; "A country does not exist on its own" as the opening sentence and work from there. Explain how you came to understand that statement in relation to International relations and by the end of it, your purpose and interests in the course should at least be represented in an overview form.
Now, with regards to your interest being sparked in high school. I think you need to present more supporting evidence here. Most importantly, what was the event that sparked the interest? If you were interested in elementary school, what happened in high school that turned it into a passion for you? I think you should combine this line of thinking with the first paragraph because they are related in concern.
I think you should skip talking about learning languages in the next paragraph and concentrate instead on the lessons you learned as a part of the foreign exchange student team. In terms of international relations, how did this activity help bolster your interest in the field and cause you to believe that this is the course for you?
About the references to TIU, there is just something that feels like the information you are delivering is coming straight out of the student brochure or website. It just doesn't give a sense of you connecting with the school on a more intellectual level. For example, what classes do you look forward to taking and why? Talk about the social experience on campus that you look forward to having and how you think you will be able to help improve their community based upon international relations (or something of the sort).
For your last paragraph, I believe you should start it by declaring your intention to work for the embassy. Then follow up with the idea that you can pursue further internships while you work. All of which are designed to help you pursue masters studies in the future, with the end goal of becoming a diplomat yourself in the future. Yes, I think that will work well as a combined final paragraph :-)
I hope I was able to help. I look forward to reading your next version :-)
Actually, I had a much more intriguing experience as how I got introduced to International Relations. I was doubtful if I could insert it. Thanks for your feedback and I'll work on my essay in the upcoming 2 weeks. I still have a month left to apply :-)
And by the way, I forgot to mention the prompts:
In 500 words or more (approximately 600 words), describe:
1. Your cultural and educational background
2. Why you chose TIU
3. How TIU might contribute to your future career plan
Be concrete and concise.