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"International Studies" + "to engage in clubs and organizations" - JHU Supplement

gretchenk 5 / 14  
Dec 28, 2010   #1
These are the two essays I wrote for the JHU supplement! Please help!
Each of them is supposed to be around 250 words, the lenght of the first one is fine, the second one however needs to be shortened. What can i cut off?

1. Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experience influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

My anticipated major is International Studies. As a student from Germany, where the area of International Studies / Relations as an undergraduate subject is not widely available, I decided to apply to a university in the United States of America. John Hopkins University immediately caught my attention, especially its rigorous departement of International Studies.

My passion and interest for International Relations was not ignited by a single experience or an event, but has rather developed naturally.
As a student at an german-english international school I am confronted with intercultural experiences everyday. Many of my fellow students come from a different background,with cultures present varying from the American to the Zimbabwe way of life.

While enjoying this global education, I have further been able to indulge in foreign cultures, as I have taken part in several student exchanges. I have spent a year in Australia on a student exchange in grade 11, and have taken part in other exchanges to France, the UK and La Réunion.

Another passion of mine that has influenced me to study International Relations is MUN, Model United Nations. As the founder and chair of our school's MUN club, I engage in current topics discussed within the United Nations on a daily basis and have often taken the role of the ambassador at MUN conferences.

Every aspect of commercial and public life is affected by international events. I believe that I would truly enjoy studying International Studies.

2. A Typical student at Johns Hopkins spends less than 15 hours each week in a classroom, leaving lots of time for volunteer opportunities, clubs and organizations, athletics, social events, and other on- and off-campus activities. Aside from the academic interests you've already expressed, in what activities do you plan to engage as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins?

I am truly greatful for this question. It has induced my research on JHU's extracurricular activities, such as its clubs and organizations. I was astonished and highly impressed by the opportunities that Johns Hopkins students are presented with, and was only assured once again that JHU is the right university for me.

Thus, I would love to engage in several clubs and organizations at JHU.
As I have been active in my school's MUN club for quite a while, I would love to pursue this interest of mine at JHU. So taking part at the JHUMUNC, the annual MUN conference of JHU would be a goal for me.

I would also like to join the "Africa Association", and work on issues and conflicts related to Africa. I have just recently finished a research project in my politics class on microfinancing in Sub-Saharan Africa and am starting another one with the topic of France's influence in francophonic african countries. I would like to continue to work on such topics and find possible solutions, and am thankful that JHU offers this opportunity.

Further, joining the German Club would allow me to provide help to people who are seeking to work or even study in Germany. I would certainly enjoy helping to build cultural and academic links between the John Hopkins University and my home country Germany. Thus I believe that once I have joined the German Club, I will have a more powerful tool to contribute not only to my home country and the United States, but also to the JHU society. Joining the German club would signify a first step on my journey of helping others to learn about foreign cultures in order to build a peaceful world based on the strong understanding and sympathy among different cultures.

I strongly believe in the importance of the observance of human rights, as they are inherent to democracy and personal liberties. As I am currently a member of Amnesty International, I would also like to join the Amnesty International Club at the SAIS, and would like to participate in their human rights campaigns.

I am sure that at John Hopkins, my four years at university will be filled with copious hours of activities that will satisfy my mental and physical capacities in and beyond the class room.

Thank you!
yenna 9 / 23  
Dec 28, 2010   #2
For your first essay stick with International Studies. That's what JHU uses so instead of Relations use Studies only :)
OP gretchenk 5 / 14  
Dec 29, 2010   #3
Thanks! Does anyone have an idea on how to cut down the second essay?
trungson111 1 / 3  
Dec 29, 2010   #4
I think your essays are really good. But you only need to concern with the clubs that you think most important to you. Also there's a small mistake in the second one at line 10 "opportunity (ti) to study at Johns Hopkins". You should truncate "and in the United States of America" also.

So I think I can rewrite the sentence as:
" I believe once I am granted the opportunity to attend Johns Hopkins, I will have more powerful tool to contribute to not only my country but also the JHU society. This would be the first step on my journey of helping the others know more about my home country in order to build a peaceful world based on the strong understanding and sympathy among different races."

By the way, you should eliminate "I am certain that the city Baltimore has several volunteer opportunities to offer." Volunteer opportunities are everywhere on the US so you don't need to teach the admission officer about that.

Anyways, hope you all the success.
OP gretchenk 5 / 14  
Dec 29, 2010   #5
Thank you for your feedback! This is my revised version of the second essay:

Any further advice?
trungson111 1 / 3  
Dec 29, 2010   #6
I think you should explain more about why you want to join the German Club at John Hopkins. Your writing is good but it gives the reader a sense that you attend John Hopkins only to join the club, not to study.

Also please leave out the extreme words like "certainly", "strongly" as much as possible, they will disturb the flow of your essay. Overall, everything is good and I wish you all the best.

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