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The internet and my store (UC essay)


tleeohhh 1 / 1  
Nov 2, 2011   #1
Describe the world you come from and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
This is a rough draft I just finished so I'd appreciate inital feedback on anything!

I type "Power Ranger toys" into the blank box. A few seconds later, I add "for a boy" and glance at the screen.

"Power Ranger toys for a boy"

With a small giggle, I hit "search".

My first experience with the internet was on a Google search engine. Clueless about its capabilities, I was fearful that the internet knew my gender and would judge me, a 6 year old girl, for liking the Power Rangers. I specifically recall the smile I had on my face after I typed "for a boy" into the search box, thinking that I had tricked the internet into believing I was the opposite sex. I was naive to think that the internet could see me, watching my every move, and even more foolish to believe that girls could not play with Power Rangers action figures.

Eleven years later, I still use the internet and am on it constantly. I no longer search for toys, however, but for basically everything else. Whether it is for homework or for leisure, I seek first the internet due to its speed and accuracy. I can consider the internet as a virtual friend, always reliable and always there. Within a few keystrokes and with a click of a button, I have access to ultimately anything I desire. The internet, itself, is its own world and I find myself constantly in it while it is bustling with users from all over the globe.

One day, as a freshman in high school, I read an article online that discussed methods to earn money from home. Among the many options, I was immediately drawn towards the idea of setting up an online store. Definitely a victim of the overcrowded closet, I quickly set to it and opened my own store.

Two weeks passed, and I sold nothing. No wonder! My prices were outrageously high. Thus, with each passing day, I learned the aspects of a successful online store on the internet by reading blogs, watching videos and asking questions on forums. Whether it was a marketing strategy or advice about customer service, I applied many things I had learned online into my store. I managed to sell all my items and gained a pleasing profit. However, I didn't want to stop; there was an excitement that followed running a business that I had never felt before. Over time, I expanded my inventory to include items imported from Korea, Japan, and China. I discovered a promising niche in the market; I began to offer jewelry and stationery that catered to a concentrated group of customers from all over the world including Canada, England and Chile.

Through managing my store, I have come to realize that I want to be a part of the business world and pursue my studies in that field. Not only did the Internet play a prominent role in the buildup of my store, it has also helped me find my passion. From taking personality quizzes or reading articles about choosing the right major, I have had access to information that has helped me realize my aspiration of becoming a businesswoman.
misternuance - / 7  
Nov 2, 2011   #2
i really like your hook. it's nostalgic of childhood.
However, I think you need a better segue from your hook to your high school experience. you mention how power rangers are only for boys and just drop the topic.

plus, i felt, considering your essay as a whole, that your conclusion was choppy, ending with the personality quizzes and articles that weren't mentioned in the essay.

suggestions:
your hook could be ideal if it was experience on purchasing a power ranger toy, similar to you selling your clothes

could mention how, with accordance with "power rangers are for boys," you possibly thought business was for boys and now with your experience, girls can succeed in this profession.

this essay has potential. good luck


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