Is any one can help me to revise my short paragraph for the admission? Please give me some suggestions about ideas, or grammar and structure.
Thank you so much!
Question:
Please choose one of the commitments that you listed above (activity, interest, or work experience) and provide a short description of its importance to you. Include why that commitment could be relevant to your student experience in college.
I was glad that I had an opportunity to be an interpreter in a Howard County event. I feel lucky that I can speak two different languages ---- Chinese and English. Living in China for a long time made me familiar with Chinese culture. After studying in America for one year, eventually I am able to adapt to the new culture, too. Therefore, I can bring this advantage to Penn State, since schools now have become more and more multicultural. Many students from other countries may face hardship in adjusting to the new environment when they first come here, so I can be of assistance to them. At the same time, I can spread the idea of ___________ (I just want to find a word that can describe communicate, or contact with people from different culture) to the Penn State community, and make it not only a university, but also a world village.
Greetings!
I think you have written an excellent paragraph! Just a couple of suggestions regarding punctuation, grammar and word choice:
"... two different languages ---- Chinese and English." More correct would be to use a colon: "two different languages: Chinese and English."
"After studying in America for one year, eventually I am able to adapt to the new culture, too." Better would be to say, "After studying in America for a year, I eventually adapted to the new culture here."
I think the word you are looking for might be "diversity," but rather than saying "the idea of diversity" perhaps "I can help to foster understanding of cultural diversity within the Penn State community, making it not only a university, but a world village."
Some of these changes are subtle, and certainly not the only correct way to say it. I hope this is helpful to you!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
oh!!
Thank you so much! your help means a lot to me.
And I have a question, if I write this paragraph, can it show my speciality, or can it make me be distinctive among the large amount of applicants?
Greetings!
Standing out from the crowd can certainly be a challenge. While I don't know how many applicants Penn State may have who speak both Chinese and English, I would think your having experience as an interpreter would help make you stand out to an extent. The only additional suggestion I might make is that, if you have any specific ideas about how you might assist your fellow students from other cultures, you might list them. It's great to have good intentions, and even better to have good ideas! :)
Best of luck!
Sarah, EssayForum.com
Thank you!
I add my idea to my another essay, it's about organize an America Help Union, I post it alreay, but it is for another college, in this such short paragraph, how I can add this idea in it?
Greetings!
If the paragraph you wrote, above, is the maximum length it can be, you could take out a little bit to make room for the American Help Union part, without losing anything too important. For example:
I was glad that I had an opportunity to be an interpreter in a Howard County event. I feel fortunate that I can speak two different languages: Chinese and English. After studying in America for a year, I have adapted to the new culture. Many students from other countries may face hardship in adjusting to the new environment when they first come here, so I can be of assistance to them. I am planning to organize an America Help Union to assist students who are new in this country. At the same time, I can foster understanding of cultural diversity within the university community, making it not only a university, but also a world village.
I hope this is helpful to you!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
Thank you!
Yes, it helps!
I will add this to my paragraph.
