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Intro to CommonApp Essay "Evaluate a significant experience & its impact on you"


JDBorough2150 1 / 5  
Sep 13, 2009   #1
This is my second take on my introduction for the Common Application.

In the city that never sleeps, forever ablaze with the lights of office buildings and the rumbling of the subways, I was born. The name given to me on that cold December day was that of my father, Julio Diaz, to this day it is one of the few things I have to remember him by. Although I rarely acknowledge it, the experience of never knowing much of my father has gradually molded me as I've aged into adult hood.

Since my mother's and father's separation, my father and I have only met on several occasions. I feel that as I've gone through high school I've used the lack of such an important relationship as a way to empower and inspire myself as well as my goals. Even in his absence my father has impacted me as much, if not, more so than if he had remained in my life. As an underclassman coming of age in high school I constantly held myself back. My attitude was one of stagnancy and indifference. To me college was a distant four years or so away, far too removed to be of any importance. However, shortly after my sophomore year I received a call that changed my outlook. Phone in hand, I listened to a voice tell me I was talking to my father. Instantly I was shaken, do I yell, do I ask why, do I hang up? Instead I replied as if the heavy weight of the call didn't exist. "Hey," A conversation that seemed to resemble a job interview more than a father to son talk ensued. By the end of it arrangements were made for us to meet. Need less to say, they never happened. Via a convenient text message my father had canceled, blaming it on an unexpected meeting and failing to mention the next possible time. However I had got the true message. All of the family around me looked and stared with heavy eyes, ready to drop a tear as soon as I did, but that wasn't what I wanted. In that moment I decided the last thing I wanted was to be a victim of my circumstances. I wanted to be empowered by it, the fact that I had something to prove, whether it be to my father or myself, inspired me. This life long experience that ultimately led to that moment taught me that adversity can be my greatest source of motivation. Afterward as entered my junior year I vowed to become a determined young man with a future. I found myself seeking challenges where I used to retreat from them and have learned to love the feeling of conquering a challenge.

Entering my senior year and having to look back on past mistakes as I apply for college can be hard as I sometimes wonder "what if?", however, I remain determined. Constantly I remind myself of one of the greatest lessons I have ever received. I can never know how fate will interact with me, but I do now how I will react to whatever is given to me. As a young man looking back, I have no real regrets, only determination and readiness for the future and the challenges it will bring for me to overcome.
creampuffs 1 / 4  
Sep 13, 2009   #2
anyone -> any one
and responsibility --> as well as responsibility
ones -> one's

Your topic has a lot of potential, but make sure your sentences don't fall flat.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 13, 2009   #3
I dont like this introduction. I don't feel that the dictionary thing works at all.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 13, 2009   #4
I am one of the millions, who despite strength in numbers, were left feeling forlorn by the departure of a father early in their life.

This doesn't quite make sense. "Strength in numbers," occurs only when people are united by some common cause or experience. Since there's no mechanism by which people who lost their fathers early in life can or do get together, we can't really say that this group of people has "strength in numbers."

Also, I personally find your opening a bit melodramatic. It's not that I don't have empathy for you; it's just that you seem to be setting the stage for an epic tragedy but turn out to be talking about a relatively common experience.
sneha17 2 / 2  
Sep 13, 2009   #5
I actually thought it was an extremely powerful introduction. I look forward to reading more =]
OP JDBorough2150 1 / 5  
Sep 13, 2009   #6
creampuffs
Llamapoop123
Thanks for the comments. I've been trying to get this essay done for a while but can never get past the introduction. It just never seems "right". Llama do you have any suggestion as to how to jump start this thing?
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 13, 2009   #7
Like Simone said, this intro is too melodramatic. I personally would not spend to much time on the introduction at all. I would ask Simone this question because I think that each introduction is unique to the author. I can't really imagine what a good intro might be if I do not know the content of the rest of your essay.
OP JDBorough2150 1 / 5  
Sep 13, 2009   #8
Okay I see, I was really trying hard not to go for the whole "feel bad for me" type of essay. I'm just trying to convey how, instead of letting it bring me down, this "significant experience" actually empowered and inspired me and made me a better and more responsible person. I know I shouldn't try to put my whole essay in the intro but I cannot seem to move one until I get it right :(. It's like kryptonite!
catalyst0435 3 / 31  
Sep 13, 2009   #9
I'm with llama on this one. Citing a dictionary definition to start an essay is, in my opinion, overused and underpowered. Even if you end up using it, only one of the three definitions cited are really applicable, so why not just say that one? Saves seven words at the beginning and a whole sentence whose sole purpose is to identify the applicable definition.

This occurrence is one that has continued to mold and build me throughout my short lifetime.

I took the ACT yesterday. This kind of sentence, where a writer uses two verbs that mean practically the same thing in the context of the sentence, is one of their favorites.

If there is anyone thing that this significant experience has taught me, it is to carry on, despite hardships, and responsibility for ones future.

There are two ways to interpret this sentence because of the three clauses at the end and the faulty parallelism.
1) It has taught you "to carry on and responsibility for one's future"? That makes no sense since responsibility is not a verb. So it must be...

2) It has taught you "to carry on, despite responsibility for ones future"? That seems like it wouldn't be a good thing. But you put a comma between hardships and "and," so this also doesn't make sense. It could be...

3) It has taught you to carry on and to take responsibility for your future. This is probably what you're shooting for. But in this case, you need a verb for "responsibility;" it can't just hang out there.

By the way, the definition probably "evokes" a part of your life, not invoke. Unless a part of your past life is a deity that can be summoned to help you. Instead of saying "the one expression that seems to jump from the page" and later tell us it's the last one, you could be more economical with your words by merely stating "..., it's "to endure" that seems to jump from the page..."

It evokes parts of your life like a projector "evokes" a movie? I don't like the analogy here (it's written badly in the first place because you don't have a verb that the projector is doing, you just say "like a projector to a movie screen"). But since I suggest you just ditch all the extraneous definitions at the beginning, you can sweep away all this sentence's problems by the push of the delete key.
kma721 3 / 9  
Sep 13, 2009   #10
I think it is a good start..
However, instead of "continued to mold and build me throughout my short lifetime." you could say "continued to mold my character as I have grown into a young adult."

I like the simile about the projector though!
OP JDBorough2150 1 / 5  
Sep 13, 2009   #11
Okay so I thought I'd put up the first intro I came up with just to see which one you guys think is better.

In the city that never sleeps, forever ablaze with the lights of office buildings and the rumbling of the subway lines, I was born. The name given to me on that cold December day was that of my father, Julio Donovan Diaz. To this day it is one of the few things I have to remember him by. Although I rarely acknowledge it, the experience of never knowing much of my father has gradually molded me as I've aged.

It seems short but I thought I'd put it up anyways.


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