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how is this intro? ("have 13 ships")


pandora 6 / 19  
Dec 30, 2008   #1
"I still have 13 ships, as long as I am alive, Japan will never take the western sea!"
Limit; even in his stand against 500 warships, the word lacked meaning to a man who defied the impossible, who never lost a battle. Yet, Admiral Yi-Soon-Shin's heart outshone the glint of his sword. Humble and patriotic, he was praised by peasants and scholars alike for his kindness and creativity. Through fortitude and spirit, he galvanized Korea into victory. Because he had never let any boundary define his end, Yi stands as my hero, guiding me in all aspects.

How can I make this more expressive?
Thanks
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Dec 31, 2008   #2
Your introduction is generally solid. I'd revise some of the punctuation in the opening quotation and first sentence, but you are off to a good start. Post the rest of it when you get a chance for more detailed feedback.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 31, 2008   #3
"I still have thirteen ships! As long as I am alive, Japan will never take the western sea!"

I agree, this is well-written

:)
OP pandora 6 / 19  
Jan 1, 2009   #4
Meh, I dont like it,
opinions, suggestions or anything of the like; this is for someone who has influenced me

"I still have 13 ships, as long as I am alive, Japan will never take the western sea!"

Limit; even in his stand against 500 warships, the word lacked meaning to the man who defied the impossible. Even outside the realm of the sea, Admiral Yi-Soon-Shin's heart outshone the glint of his sword. Humble and patriotic, he was praised by peasants and scholars alike for his kindness and creativity. Through fortitude and spirit, he galvanized Korea into victory. Because he had never let any boundary define his end, Yi stands as my hero, guiding me in all aspects.

Rank had no flavor for him; his reverence for others had no bound. He welcomed peasants like kings and healed the wounds of ex-convicts. He held the people of Korea even closer than his life and he embraced them, like I embraced my sister following her days in the hospital. I was exuberant and words failed to describe the beauty of the world. Armor or rags, Yi's countrymen were all the same to him, and I too, realized that similar people wore different clothing; disability was a cloak and that was Yi's first lesson. I felt the urge to give back what I had and my contribution was Music for the Town, an organization where the elderly were embraced by musicians and could smile as performers made a bow.

With weapon hidden, Yi fashioned the dragon of the sea, a fearsome indestructible ironclad. There was no secret to his masterful dominant mind; he never took chances. He longed for certainty of the wind's and tide's path in battle; his certainty struck the string of inspiration in me. Yi's guidance produced a robot whose wheels were gear-toothed counted to the exact second and frame had been impact analyzed; like he knew the sea, I knew the robot's elemental mechanics: weight, acting torque force, velocity. Under its mathematical base, the robot was unleashed at competition day, and it was invincible; I had seen that from certainty, sprung strength; that was Yi's second lesson.

Political conspiracy devastated Yi's once-mighty and proud navy into 13 ships and faithless men. In time of peril, he refused to mourn for his own son's death because of fear his emotions would affect him. But when my sister lay in the PICU, her situation did affect me. Amplitudes on my sister's health monitor shortened and her health started to fail; my grades and aspirations of college and spirits were dragged south with it. Something inside me rallied me to rebound; I could not fail my junior year. Despite suppression by poor academics and fright, I triumphed beyond each; both piano and research paper embodied my strength and my spirit. When I was lost, I found a way out and I always can; that was Yi's third lesson.

It is strange how Yi's story has strongly influenced me; he has provided a revitalization of my spirits. I think back to how he made nothing seem impossible. I still hear his voice in the wind shouting, "I still have 13 ships, as long as I am alive, Japan will never take the western sea!" As long as I hear those words, he will never stop teaching me the strength in the impossible.
reflections91 - / 4  
Jan 1, 2009   #5
Some suggestions:

Comma splice in an otherwise solid opening. Do what Kevin says =]

"He held the people of Korea even closer than his life and he embraced them..." => "He held his people even closer than his life. He embraced them..."

("He welcomed... He held... He embraced..." syntax patterning)

"Armor or rags..." => "Whether they were in armor or in rags"

"With weapon hidden" => "With a weapon hidden"? "With his weapons hidden"? "With weapons hidden"?
OP pandora 6 / 19  
Jan 1, 2009   #6
yay thanks!
how about the rest?
reflections91 - / 4  
Jan 1, 2009   #7
"the robot was unleashed at competition day" => "the robot was unleashed on competition day"

"Yi's guidance produced a robot whose..." => I think you should insert yourself in that sentence somehow. The reader should see more of YOU (in comparison to Yi Soon Shin)

"both piano and research paper..." => this part got a bit sketchy for me, particularly because you have not mentioned pianos and research papers prior to this.


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