"introduced to the world of business" - Carnegie Mellon "Why CMU" essay

Any criticism and suggestion is welcomed! Thank you guys!
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Prompt: Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know.

As many people from Western countries perceive that Chinese are very sensitive to numbers, I'm not an exception either. Because of the food processing business my family runs, I was introduced to the world of business since I was nine. After I figured out the fundamental arithmetic operations, assisting my mom with the quarter-end closing eventually became my first business experience as well as my first summer job. In addition to the influence from my family, reading relevant books on business management and biographies of successful entrepreneurs further impassion me. The stories of Gordon Moore and Steven Jobs together with The Predictably Irrational delineate an intricate and competitive business world for me. I am therefore inevitably attracted to the intensive business education provided by Tepper School of Business, because business management will be the concentration of my college life.

Among all the opportunities Tepper offers, I'm especially interested in the Undergraduate Business program, the BSBA MBA 3/2 program, and the summer internship opportunities, through which I can lay a solid foundation in advance for not only my Master or Ph.D but also my future career and apply the business principles I learn in class to the real-world consulting projects. I believe that these programs can provide a stage for me to gain practical experience and develop a more comprehensive understanding of the business world. The small size class is another feature that fascinates me. In my mind, the ideal environment for capturing the dynamic of business is a small size class that provides a stage for open-ended discussions among professors and students, where everyone has a chance to express his thoughts and add varieties to the discussions from his own experience or background. In such learning situation, I can exchange ideas with my fellow classmates and my professors freely and efficiently, and be more active exploring the business world.

In addition, I have learned that Professor Milton Cofield is a very involved lecturer and economist, who is known for his understanding of business and international strategic management. I am curious about business administration and the job of a business manager, and always want to systematically learn about how business management helps to optimize a firm's profit and how multinational corporations make decisions. Being such an avid business student, I really covet a chance to take part in the undergraduate research with Professor Milton Cofield and participate in other internship opportunities so I can establish a strong scientific foundation for my future studies while putting the knowledge I gain from my classes into practice in the real life.

As a diligent and passionate student, I am confident that I can benefit the Tepper School of Business while fully taking advantage of the opportunities there. I believe that I am a perfect fit for Carnegie Mellon University and will be honored to represent the school by putting on that maroon T-shirt with Scotty in the middle.

Why not "through which i can lay a solid foundation not only for my Master and Ph.D, but also for my future career"


You could probably cut this sentence into 2 or 3 short sentences.


You should start a new paragraph here.

One more suggestion is to vary your sentence length. Many of your sentence were long. Add a few short sentences or make split some sentences into smaller ones.

Overall, I think this is a solid essay. You have provided good reasons for CMU.
Good luck!

Great essay! I just have a couple of ideas.

As many people from Western countries perceive that Chinese are very sensitive to numbers, I'm not an exception either.

Your opening sentence should hook the reader! Try rewording it, "Many people from Western countries perceive that the Chinese are very sensitive to numbers. I am no exception." Or you might just want to try a different one!

I agree with Perplexity215. You need to vary your sentence length! With the readers going through so many essays, a little variety will keep them interested in your essay.

Great last sentence! I feel like you are already a student at CMU!

thank you guys! your suggestions really help!