Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 5

Introduction on my brother's influence on me


amitdeb92 3 / 8  
Dec 2, 2009   #1
Hi. As a first time user and a horrible writer, I need some help with my introduction for the first draft of my admission essay. The prompt is the following:

- Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

I decided to write about my brother and here is what I have so far(just the introduction).

<I fell from the bed. Bursting into tears, I cried out for my brother, surveying the area for his blurry figure. My mother heard the cacophonous sound of crying from the kitchen and scurried to get me. But it was my brother, Mridul, who was the first to run across the mud floor and retrieved me. Against the backdrop of the dirty tin ceiling, I saw his face. A feeling of security and appreciation took over me as he picked me up and applied ice on the smooth, throbbing bump on my forehead, which to date I still have. Angry and red faced, my mother yelled at me for my stupidity. My brother took a different approach. "You cannot fly, you dummy." I lay in his scratched arms, recovering from the pain and fear, as he continued to explain to me in Bengali why I could not match the feat of gravity. But all I understood was that his knowledge and love for me was just as enduring and great.>

Any help would be greatly appreciated--especially on sentence structures and level of curiosity (if at all) it arouses.

Thank you all.
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 2, 2009   #2
lay

past?

his knowledge and love for me was just as enduring and great

wow, how old were you?

I fell head first from the bed, wouldn't this be more to the point?

nice intro, i wonder how you are going to continue, with more examples of your bro's magnanimity?

to appease your fears, the intro does its job, very captivating. with this you can begin the creation of a masterpiece. no pressure.
christiek 6 / 65  
Dec 2, 2009   #3
the first to run across the mud floor and retrieved me.

--> retrieve me.

Wow, I really like this intro. I agree with yang : )

especially on sentence structures and level of curiosity (if at all) it arouses.

--> Sure does arouse a great level of curiosity!

I hope you post up the rest soon.
OP amitdeb92 3 / 8  
Dec 3, 2009   #4
Thank you guys for all the help. I will post my essay hopefully by this weekend. Just a concern of mine: do you think I was being a bit too maudlin? Because a friend pointed out to me that I was exaggerating a mere natural and instinctive action into a great heroic save. But I felt I was being sincere and frank. What do you guys think?
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 3, 2009   #5
Of course, you gotta exaggerate in the intro. That's what it's for right? to attract the reader's attention with hyperbolic statement.


Home / Undergraduate / Introduction on my brother's influence on me