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"An introvert music" - Significant experience or aspect that shaped your life


vhoang 1 / -  
Nov 30, 2010   #1
Any feedback is very much appreciated. (:

To some, music is the song that streams from the radio or the jumble of dots and lines on a piece of paper, but to me, music is my passion. It has taught me more than just how to play and read notes. Music has tremendously shaped my life and who I am.

Most of my life, I have been somewhat of an introvert. Though I am not always able to express myself with words, I can tell an entire story with my black and white keys. Through performances and collaboration with other musicians, I was able to open myself up to others and share my talent and the beauty of music with others. Nevertheless, I wanted to do more. Thus, I began teaching younger students how to play piano, and no words could describe the rewarding feeling and warmth I gained. However, these opportunities and experiences did not spring up overnight. They have been awarded to me after years of polishing, dedication, and passion.

All the beauty and wonders of the piano were introduced to me when I was four years old. My musical journey began with a part-time jazz piano teacher, who taught me classical piano. After learning from him for about nine years, he resigned to pursue music for a living, and I was forced to find a new teacher. With my mother's help, I stumbled upon the New Orleans Center for Creative Arts (NOCCA). I auditioned for a spot in the classical music department by Ms. Sakiko Ohashi, the classical piano teacher and the Assistant Chair of Music at NOCCA, and was accepted into the program. One thing I learned very quickly was that you could not enter a lesson with Ms. Ohashi without practicing because she never accepted anything less than perfection. Lessons were demanding, but I learned more than I had in all my years of playing the piano. Ms. Ohashi taught me that making music required more than the pressure of fingertips on keys. It required the movement of the body with the emotions of soul. I practiced hours and hours a day, yet sometimes it was not enough to reach Ms. Ohashi's standards. I fought through most of my lessons with endless anxiety and tears. At one point, I was on the edge of quitting when she reminded me that in life it matters not how intelligent you are, but how much you want something. Because if you want it enough, you will fight for it with all your heart. I imprinted those words that day in my mind and have continued to apply it to music, academics, my ambitions, and essentially everything else in life.

Undoubtedly, who I am and most of what I have accomplished, I owe to music. Music has been my bridge to another world in my times of struggle and sadness. It has allowed me to grow stronger, mature, and open up to others. Most importantly, music has taught me the importance of perseverance, hard work, and fighting for what you love.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 5, 2010   #2
Music has tremendously shaped my life and who I am.

In this sentence, the adverb does not help. "Tremendously" does not contribute to the reader's experience. Adverbs almost always weaken sentences! :-)

Also... the sentence above is presented at the end of the intro, so it makes me think it is the main idea of the essay... but it is not very complex. Many people could say the same thing, so it is not original.

HEY!!But look at what happens if you take away the first paragraph. If you start the essay like this is it intriguing and cool:

During mo st of my life, I have been somewhat of an introvert. Though I am not always able to express myself with words, I can tell an entire story with my black and white keys. (intriguing!!) Through performances and collaboration with other musicians, I was able...(and right here, I say, oh, she is talking about piano!)

and then you get into talking about teachi8ng piano... very good intro.

If you kill the first paragraph, the second paragraph makes a great intro. :-)

It would be great if, after you explain about Ms. Ohashi and the experience you had, you talk about how this experience can be valuable as you enter your chosen field of study. How has this experience influenced your choice of academic/professional disciplines?

:-)


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