Music has tremendously shaped my life and who I am.
In this sentence, the adverb does not help. "Tremendously" does not contribute to the reader's experience. Adverbs almost always weaken sentences! :-)
Also... the sentence above is presented at the end of the intro, so it makes me think it is the main idea of the essay... but it is not very complex. Many people could say the same thing, so it is not original.
HEY!!But look at what happens if you take away the first paragraph. If you start the essay like this is it intriguing and cool:
D
uring mo st of my life, I have been somewhat of an introvert. Though I am not always able to express myself with words, I can tell an entire story with my black and white keys. (intriguing!!) Through performances and collaboration with other musicians, I was able...(and right here, I say, oh, she is talking about piano!)
and then you get into talking about teachi8ng piano... very good intro.
If you kill the first paragraph, the second paragraph makes a great intro. :-)
It would be great if, after you explain about Ms. Ohashi and the experience you had, you talk about how this experience can be valuable as you enter your chosen field of study. How has this experience influenced your choice of academic/professional disciplines?
:-)