It's been 10 years since I've ever written an essay, let alone something like an academic letter of intent. I was only told that I need the letter of intent, but never given any guidelines as I am not applying for a facility. However, looking on other facilities websites for UBC is generally saying it should be 500 words or less, and mine is two times that amount. So I need opinions on what I can do to refine as well as shorten it so it's not too overbearing. Thanks :)
From UBC's website -
Letter of Academic Intent
A letter of academic intent must outline the courses you would like to take and your reasoning for taking these courses at UBC.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------
I was always an intuitive child. I always believed that the world was just colors and hues mixed together, creating infinite possibilities of beauty and splendor. For years my teachers had always said I had a load of creative potential just waiting to be unleashed and used. But I lived in a poverty-driven situation that could not afford to further my potential. My mind was a sponge; I would absorb everything and anything. I remember one night walking down the street and finding a box lying there near the road. Looking further into the box, I found a textbook on psychology and a textbook on mathematics, both college levels. I remember taking them home and reading them with nearly no issues to comprehend the content. The next day I burst into my fifth grade classroom with such enthusiasm to show my teacher what I had learned. His reaction naturally was shock. Perhaps he saw something in me that he never saw before. He gave me the opportunity to further what I had learned on my own by creating a notebook with several high level equations he created on his own time, so I could further learn what I had learned on my own through the textbooks that I have found. On the days that we had Music, he would sit at his electronic keyboard as we all got out our small recorders and play some simple songs as he played along. One afternoon after class had ended I remember asking him if he could teach me how to play the Piano instead. I always felt that I needed more from what I was learning. I always drove myself to do things further than my peers. From this teacher's belief in unlocking what potential I had inside, I had been fortunate enough to be deemed talented in all sorts of creative ways. From him alone I learned and went further into music, as well as mathematics and logical thinking. In the years that proceeded after, I continued to branch out into different visual art fields such as drawing & painting, as well as creative writing. As I went into high school, my English teacher gave us the assignment to create a short story. But I had troubles with creating just one story that I could be proud to hand in. So I ended up handing in three. My teacher looked up at me and asked me why I was handing in three, which I simply responded that I could not be satisfied with just one. I remember his face well as he read my stories, one by one. I felt that he was traveling the journey with my characters as if he was there himself. He told me that he could not believe the amount of detail I put into my writing, and asked if I wished to become a writer. I told him about a novel I had been writing since I was eleven years old, of the fantasy genre. I was proud of this book and of its entirety. I breathed my creative life into a novel for four years, and I spoke to him about it as if it was my own child. I could imagine how my face must have lit up as I told the synopsis and when I was finished, I could tell that I intrigued him into reading it.
The years pass and I am nearing my graduation, faced with a difficult decision. What do I want to pursue in my life, and where do I wish to further my education. I had loved everything I have done to this point in my life equally; Arts, Music, Writing and Languages. It was all a part of me, and yet I am asked this decision as if it was an easy one to make. My only goal up to this point in my life was to be the first one in my family to finish high school, but I had not yet thought beyond that. But once I completed that goal, I was swept up into a world that immediately removed the simplicity of my life of before and turned it into something so complex that I was not prepared for. From the combined efforts of feeling pressure to succeed from life, and the naivety of my youth, I had decided to go into an art program at a private institution. However after five short months of this program, I had become ill and was unable to finish the program that I thought I loved. From then on I faced the realization that I was unable to continue my education with that school and in that field.
Believing that I have yet to unlock my full potential, I began to immerse myself in all forms of creative art. As of 2008, I created a photography company, helping others keep their timeless and priceless memories into photos that can be enjoyed for the years to come. I have always met the challenges head-on from running my own business, and enjoyed the rewards that followed it.
It was in May 2010 that circumstances arose that I could take a trip to Japan. The culture and language of Japan had always interested me, but I never could have believed that I would fall in love with a country and its people. While I immersed myself in the heart of Japanese culture, I realized that this was the place I wished to be for the rest of my life. From the gentle breeze with the petals of the cherry blossoms, to the noisy streets with a loudspeaker at every corner, I truly believed I was at home.
And what feels like eternity since then, I have found myself wondering how I may pursue my goals to be a citizen in Japan, working amongst them and feeling that sense of home again. From there I enrolled myself in a Japanese course with the University of British Columbia's Continuing Studies. While it had been an enjoyable experience, it did not quite fit with what I needed to further my goals and do what I dreamed about. I always believed it was a dream in my youth to actually be allowed to apply to the University of British Columbia, but now it closer to reality. I believe that my lifelong passion for learning new and different things will only serve to unlock the potential I have from being enrolled in the University of British Columbia, even if it took me a little longer than others to finish.
I think you are trying to say poverty-stricken, not poverty-driven.
Also, the first line needs to be changed, I think. It is not very powerful to say, "I have always been..." not meaningful, because the reader does not accept your claims at face value.
However, this is some great writing. You should not have let 10 years go by! You are a good communicator.
My mind was a sponge Do not let yourself use any cliches, unless you put your own original twist on them.
Do more paragraph breaks. They make it so that reading the essay is not a convoluted nightmare.
Hey, so if you are out of practice, this is a great start. Use it as a collection of your ideas, but now look at it again and come up with a sentence -- one sentence -- that expresses the main truth of the essay. About 4 or 5 sentences into the essay, type that sentence and end the first paragraph.
You need that as the reference point, the anchor, the established theme.
After that, edit out all sentences that do not support the main theme. The first sentence of each paragraph especially must support the theme.
:-)
