Invictus- How 14 Words Changed Me (UVa supplement)

Hi, this is my writing supplement for UVa. It is about the poem Invictus. My main concerns are that it doesn't fully address the prompt, that I don't talk myself enough and grammar. Also it sounds really cheesy but it is actually 100% true. Any and all comments would be greatly appreciated! Thanks :)

What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?

One night, in a state of procrastination, I sat hungrily consuming poem after poem, addicted to the artful ebb and flow of the emotionally charged words, when I stumbled upon a poem entitled Invictus. At the time I had no knowledge of its historical significance and was mesmerized only by the commanding yet artfully crafted words that somehow worked their way through the maze of my thoughts and into my heart. Ravenously I took in each line as though it was the word of God until I reached the ending; "I am the master of my fate:/ I am the captain of my soul.". These concluding lines worked their way not only into my heart, but into my mind as well. It was as if, through a string of powerful words, William Ernest Henley was challenging me.

Up until that day I would have been best characterized as a shy, timid kid with no goals and no conviction. I had grown up in a state of submission and for some reason I had never realized that I could change, that I could become my own individual. Then, in fourteen words I was told that I had the ability to control my fate and my life was transformed. I stepped outside of my comfort zone and began doing things I never dreamed I could do. I joined Debate Club and much to my disbelief, discovered that I had a knack for public speaking. I ran for School Board Representative and won. I became president of National Honors society and Peer Outreach. I transformed from shy timid girl into a strong-minded and well-liked leader. Invictus challenged me to become a better person and I did just that.

First off I want to say that the way you begin the paragraph is great.

These are my suggestions for you:
At the time I had no knowledge of its historical significance
This sentence does not sound right; just write like the way you speak
Try something like: At the time I did not know its historical significance

I joined the Debate Club

I transformed fromThe shy timid girl transformed into a strong-minded and well-liked leader.

These concluding lines not only worked their way not only into my heart, but also into my mind as well.

Then, in fourteen words , I was told that I had the ability to control my fate and; my life was transformed.

Overall comments: What you have written really fits in to the prompt and the reader can see how much you have learned from the poem when you say that you went from being shy to maturing. The part where you say "Then in fourteen words..." is the best part because it shows the power of words and the influence it has left on you. Aside from the grammar mistakes/suggestions I left for you, I think you should be all set. If you need further help, I can always check your revision.

Good luck!

Maddi, the essay's first half can use more of the backstory regarding your character before you read those 14 words from Invictus. It is important that the reviewer fully understand the reason as to why those 14 words would have unsettled and challenged you to action for your personal betterment. I know, there is a limited word count for your essay so presenting the background can prove to be a challenge for you.

The best way that I can see to free up more word count so you can present a simple backstory is by lessening the description of the night that you found yourself reading the poem. Focus first on showing how your timidity and shyness posed a problem for you. Why it was a drawback to your development. Then explain that one night, as you were relaxing with a book of poetry, you came across the poem. Then present the 14 words and the epiphany that you had because of it.

Your essay need not be complex nor too detailed if the word count will not allow for it. Just present the basic facts and always be direct to the point. That way, you will get more important information presented in your written work.