As you read:
- Is this essay easy to understand? Any problems with comprehension?
- Is this essay too wordy? Too descriptive? Too many words?
- What feelings are you left with?
I am applying to college in about a month and i need guidance on my essay.
Any help is greatly appreciated!
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Define: Impact - a clash, the imminent presence of contact, the trauma of collision. Aside from this context, we find the word also defining an invisible imprint or dent, if you will, marked on one's heart caused by the absence of something, someone. This word's definitions coincide ever so beautifully within my story... as if the impact of these parallel ideas resonates into one thing, one image, one guy. His name? Mahlon Acres.
In the summer of 2009, I attended Super Summer, a Christian leadership camp at East Texas Baptist University in Marshall, Texas. It was there I met him. A man of leadership, a man of immaculate potential, a man of God. We met up again the following summer of 2010 and became closer as not only friends, but as a young couple, as he always told his friends, "I'm gonna marry that girl someday"... September 19th, 2010 - Mahlon Acres was declared brain-dead. While riding the side of a pick up truck driving at a high speed, Mahlon fell backwards, severing his brainstem from the impact of the curb. Spreading like a ripple effect, it soon reached my heart and shattered it. Hours later, life support was pulled and his life had ended. Another impact shot me again in the heart like a speeding bullet, yet traveled with the sounds of a speeding truck.
The funeral was set for September 23, 2010, my 16th birthday. In honor of him, I attended. Seeing his ever so still body pushed the unwanted thoughts of our relationship being of no more. As I had stood over his casket, a middle aged man stepped beside me. Without seeming too helpless, I forced myself to speak. "I wish I could hear his heartbeat one more time"... after moments, the man turned facing me, removing my hand from Mahlon's arm and placing it on his chest as he spoke, "This is his heartbeat". Mahlon became an organ donor, giving his organs to those who needed them, one being the man beside me. The pounding of thumps bursting through his chest felt like another sudden impact on my life, as if it had moved me to not only to encourage others to be an organ donor but to become one myself.
Later, in the spring of 2011, God had blessed me with the chance to win the title of Miss Arlington's Outstanding Teen 2012 in the Miss America Organization. Through this opportunity, I chose Organ Donation as my platform, sharing Mahlon's impact on my life. It has taken almost two years to realize that that so called impact that had rummaged my life was forced by God. Without His will taking its toll, I would have never gotten to travel the state of Texas and not only share how my life was impacted but ultimately inspire others to save lives.
This was a very compelling essay and I agree that God is amazing :) While your choice of topic is awesome and striking, I think there should be revisions on
"Define: Impact - a clash, the imminent presence of contact, the trauma of collision. Aside from this context, we find the word also defining an invisible imprint or dent, if you will, marked on one's heart caused by the absence of something, someone."
Perhaps change to, The word impact, in definition, is a clash, the imminent presence of contact, the trauma of collision. Aside from this context, we find the word also defining an invisible imprint or dent, if you will, marked on one's heart caused by the absence of something, someone.
or something along the lines.
also, "his word's definitions coincide ever so beautifully within my story... as if the impact of these parallel ideas resonates into one thing, one image, one guy. His name? Mahlon Acres. "
No need for 3 periods after "my story" or any periods, perhaps a comma? and also squish together "His name? Mahlon Acres." to one sentence...
His name is Mahlohn Acres.
just like that.
also here,
" "I'm gonna marry that girl someday"... September 19th, 2010 - Mahlon Acres was declared brain-dead."
the 3 dots should be included inside the quotation and add a 4th dot to represent a period of the quote. and for the date of when he was declared brain dead, say
On September 19th, 2010, Mahlon Acres was declared brain-dead.
or some other variation. it sounds smoother.
but other than that your essay sounds great.
God bless!!!!
