urgent-will critique in return
PROMPT: Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you
RESPONSE: 296 words ...need to cut out 46
As I stepped off of the bus into the brisk air, I embraced my surroundings, then turned to my teacher with a smile and firmly stated, "THIS is the one."I confidently believe that moment changed my entire educational path, since I had originally struggled to find a university meeting all of my desires. I was on our school's college trip, and nothing seemed quite what I was looking for-until the moment I stepped onto the campus of Stanford.
As I was greeted by immense palm trees and beautiful arches, a wave of relief instantly washed over me, providing a feeling similar to a reunion with an old friend, or perhaps a lost love. Every building that I passed sparked my interest; even the church inspired me to attend more Christian Club meetings at school, and I subsequently joined a Youth Group.
Prior to the tour of the campus, I had always dreaded the question: "Where are you going to college?" and the blank stares following my uncertain answers. When I arrived home, "Stanford" quickly became the confident response to that taboo question, and ironically, I had chosen the prestigious university nicknamed "The Farm".
Although I have been involved in agriculture for over nine years, I am interested in Stanford's business program. I am unsure of the exact career I wish to pursue; however, I am sure that Stanford's rigorous courses will improve my strengths while challenging my weaknesses to provide a sense of pride in every hard-earned accomplishment. I would cherish the opportunity to learn the perspectives of the esteemed Professor Aaker on relations between happiness and business , as well. Overall, the moment I saw Stanford, I felt it-the power, the motivation, and above all, the love of learning shared by a diverse community.
This will take you down to 245. The reason I had taken out the phrase "and ironically..." is because it is not immediately clear why exactly that is ironic to me. Hope it helps, and I would greatly appreciate it if you could read over my essays.
I confidently believe that moment changed my entire educational path, since I had originally struggled to find a university meeting all of my desires. I was on our school's college trip, and nothing seemed quite what I was looking for-until the moment I stepped onto the campus of Stanford.
Every building that I passed sparked my interest; even the church inspired me to attend more Christian Club meetings at school, and I subsequently joined a Youth Group.
Prior to the tour of the campus, I had always dreaded the question: "Where are you going to college?" and the blank stares following my uncertain answers. When I arrived home, "Stanford" quickly became the confident response to that taboo question, and ironically, I had chosen the prestigious university nicknamed "The Farm" .
... relations between happiness and business , as well .
I confidently believe that moment, when I stepped onto the campus of Stanford , changed my entire educational path.
... a wave of relief (I don't think "relief" is the right word here) instantly washed over me, ...
Every building that I passed sparked my interest; even the church (what do you mean "even"? Many people believe that chuches are "inspirational." I think you should talk about the most boring building on the campus, or just simply remove the word "even") inspired me to ...
When I arrived home, "Stanford" quickly became the confident response to that taboo question, and ironically, I had chosen the prestigious university nicknamed "The Farm".(This should be introduced in the next paragraph)
Although I have been involved in agriculture for over nine years(take the entire thing about agriculture- it is unnecessary for your idea), I am interested in Stanford's business program.
Overall, the moment I saw Stanford, I felt it-the power, the motivation, and above all, the love of learning shared by a diverse community. (you say that you want to go into business, and then you say that you don't know what to do in the future... I get what you are saying, but it is a little unclear)
Overall, nice work, and please take a look at my princeton supplement, it's due tomorrow and i need help! Thanks in advance.
Honestly, its perfect, no suggestions from me, by talking about a professor who goes there and having the desire to attend one of his classes had made your essay stand out A LOT, good job, it's great
Overall , the moment I saw Stanford, I felt it-the
Impressive that you did it in 250 words, I ended up pushing the 1800 character count instead. But anyways, it's nice that you have an anecdote there. Though to me, it doesn't really stand out I can't imagine anyway that you could make it more noticeable than it already is. As nami noted, great job mentioning a specific professor and where you want to go.
The rigorous courses will surely improve my strengths while challenging my weaknesses to provide a sense of pride in every hard-earned accomplishment.
A possible change, and this is completely up to you, is that you replace this sentence with one that touches on your agriculture background and it how translates into your interest in business like skills that overlap. I got interested when you mentioned your farming background.
thank you for all suggestions :)
I like how you mention the professor but I would add another specific thing you like about Stanford. My counselor told me to not write an essay in which you can replace "Stanford" with any other top tier school that has beautiful palm trees or breathtaking buildings. Catch my drift?
after your revision i find it perfect! it is quick straight to the point, but not pushy. it reflects a love for the school. the only thing i guess i would comment if anything at all is that i woodnt start with i just looked at the school and thought this is it. make it sort of sound like you were skeptical of the school and be more specific if you can on why you love it.
