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"involved in a motoring incident" - a significant experience- COMMON APP FOR HAVARD

Rechy 11 / 73  
Oct 31, 2010   #1
This is just what i've got so far, ammendments would be greatly appreciated.

I never for once thought that I could come close to being humble. In my own perspective humility was only portrayed by those who are retarded. I was the girl who always thought highly of herself and who looked down on people. Unknown to me I was living a life filled with darkness with no glimpse of life. Imagine how dreadful and lifeless the night skies could be without the moon and star lights. I've heard of how people are been saved from their darkness, but I never thought I would be a victim.

My mum would always tell me you had better change the way you behave now or you are going to change in the hard way, I always did turn a deaf ear to her; but not until when I was at the brisk of death did I realize the value of her words.

I was somewhat saved from my world of darkness by a painful and bitter life changing incident.

Being involved in a motoring incident gave me an insight on life at the glimpse of death, staying entrapped in the car, with memories of my past flashing through my mind uncontrollably .The thoughts of never going to college, of never becoming the girl my mum wanted me to be, made me weep uncontrollably. With no hopes of survival and each second passing by with the tenacious grip of fear of the end of my era, darkness drew nearer. Fighting to stay alive I made a promise that should I ever survive I would definitely make a change and be a person my mum has always wanted me to be.

Towards the last fifteen minutes before I became unconscious my mom's words rung in my ear; her words about the second chance I have at changing, was the only source of strength I had, it was what got me through the unconsciousness.

Waking up at the hospital and seeing the tears on my Mum's cheeks while she was by my side made me sober, then I realized that I was destined and opportuned to have a mother like her, and that gave me the assurance that I could live a life filled with nothing but virtues and humility.
summergo 1 / 10  
Oct 31, 2010   #2
I guess your essay is not fully-developed. I think you can try to add some solid examples to show the difference between you before the crash and you after the accident.

I can't see this accident taught you to be a humble person. Are you trying to say human lives are humble before death?

Please have a look at my essay! I'm a Chinese, by the way~
OP Rechy 11 / 73  
Oct 31, 2010   #3
sarahharvard 2 / 8  
Oct 31, 2010   #4
I love this essay, it's every deep. But you need to finish, and , make your message more clear.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 9, 2010   #5
In my own perspective humility was only portrayed by those who are retarded.---Retarded is a bad word to use. Also, it reflects SO negatively on you that you thought it was retarded to be humble. I advise against this sentence.

Use italics or quotes:
My mum would always tell me, You had better ...
My mum would always tell me, "You had better ..."

I recommend taking out the whole first paragraph and using the extra space to write an additional paragraph at the end... to show what it all amounted to, what you plan to do with your life. And I really think you should not be so self-critical. I think all people who are super intelligent experience conceit sometime during their process. It is everyone, not just you. You are different because you have gained the precious insight that snapped you out of it, and that is what you should focus on... and don't use the word retarded in the essay! :-)
OP Rechy 11 / 73  
Nov 11, 2010   #6
thanks kelvin

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