Common Application Prompt #1-Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
I just need some feedback and advice for this essay. Thank You!
Iris
The small strip of boulder, dirt, and sand was situated right of the coast with nothing but the surging ocean rhythmically engulfing its shores. There was the lone flower, beautiful and flawless among the rubble of wilting ice plants and crabgrass that also inhabited the miniature island. From the distance I couldn't help but feel that the flower exhibited a sense of royalty, with its tender shades of purple dotting its smooth petals. Each petal was oval shaped with wilted edges, similar to that of a skirt, with a deep yellow vein directly striping down its curved middle. All the petals were held together as one coherent object by a strong, robust green stem that did not easily falter from the occasional gusting sea breeze. The recent rain shower had left a multitude of tiny water droplets along its slender leaves. Each drop magnified the aspect of flower underneath it, only further emphasizing the perfection in its form. It was the perfect present. There could be nothing else except the Iris.
I looked at it forlornly from the top of the two story jagged cliff, my mind searching for a possible solution that prevented me from splattering myself at the bottom, obtaining the Iris, and, of course, getting back up. Instinct and logic held my feet to the ground, urging me to walk back along the safe paved trail, drive home, and flop myself on to the utter safety of the couch. That was not going to happen. If I turned back now it would defeat the whole purpose of my quest and take me away from the prized Iris. Too many times had I let doubt, cautiousness, and fear hinder me from truly experiencing the potential of the moment. I had to cast aside these chains. Just this once I would rise up to the need and be fierce and brave for the beauty that lay just beyond the edge of my physical perimeter. My only option was to rely on luck. In other words, jump.
I felt cold sweat run down behind my ear as I took one last stable look at the blindingly purple goal below. I could only hope that I would land in the safety of the surrounding water. I moved back until I could only see the blue horizon ahead of me. I set my footing in anticipation, and then, my whole body quivering with excitement, I sprinted to the edge and jumped of the cliff.
I felt as if time went on a standstill as the air rushed through me. It would be a gross understatement to say that my leap was one of the most exhilarating and terrifying experiences I had ever had. The thrill of weightlessness made my mind surge chaotically with thoughts on whether I would even live to see another moment. Yet, at the same time I felt satisfied and at peace with the knowledge that I was inevitably getting closer to my ultimate goal, the Iris. This paradoxical fusion of chaos and peace gave me an unexplainable sort of happiness. For once I had done the illogical move. I had taken a risk, a gamble that could have been my last. But all that didn't matter. I had taken a step (or a fall) towards something that I chose. I was acting for me. My few seconds of free fall was not for a grade, nor for peer approval, but for myself.
I hit the frigid sea water feet first. Immediately, the heavy stinging pain of the impact left me gasping for a second wind as I desperately swam towards the rocky shores of the strip. My wet clothes had become a sack of potatoes, dragging me down deeper into the oceans elusive deep. Each laborious stroke brought me closer to what I had come so far for; there was no chance I would fail. I reached the miniature island, exhausted mentally and physically. Clumsy from the lack of energy I dragged myself through the small bushes of sea-blight until I reached the purple jewel. Almost reluctantly I grasped the base of the stem and picked the pristine Iris from its wiry roots. I stood there, firmly holding the piece of flora that lay in my hand. I had done it, the Iris was mine.
Later that day my mom received the Iris in a small terracotta pot. She blew out her forty three candles as I reflected on my journey. When I took my leap of that cliff I felt that I was going against the logical and safe path. I was going against the oppressive boundaries of fear and doubt that constantly hindered so many of my choices. I was striving for what I wanted without a statistical analysis of whether I would succeed, and it felt amazing. By shrugging aside the prospect of repercussions I gave myself the courage and the optimism to do what I wanted to do, in turn allowing me to become who I wanted to be. The Iris, in all its beauty, was my small testament to the future I could have, one filled with risks, adventure, and success. As I sat at our dinner table, eating a slice of the birthday cake, I contemplated whether all my efforts had really been worth it, when, from the corner of my eye, I saw my mom's tired eyes light up with a smile of gratitude. It was definitely worth it.
Rather than say "There was the lone flower" I think it might better you to say "There I found a lone flower..." and feel that changing "that the flower" to "that this flower" might intensify the importance of this single flower.
I personally would say "droplets among" instead of along. Also, I don't particularly like the phrase "along the safe paved trail" you might instead consider "safely paved trail" or "safe, paved" There has to be a difference between the two adjectives; adding an -ly or a comma would definitely do it.
Rather than say "that was not going to happen" you should probably say "this was not going to happen" - it sounds more active (as opposed to passive). I also don't agree with the sentence "If I turned back now it would defeat the whole purpose of my quest and take me away from the prized Iris" I think you could say "I felt as though if I had turned back-" The tenses seem to drop off a little with the original sentence, but I think this might get it back on target with where you are trying to go.
I think you could change "Too many times had I let doubt, cautiousness, and fear hinder me from truly experiencing the potential of the moment. I had to cast aside these chains" to "I had too often let doubt, cautiousness, and fear hinder me from experiencing the potential of the moment; it was time to case aside these chains." The first seems almost journal-esque.
"Just this once I would rise up to the need and be fierce and brave for the beauty that lay just beyond the edge of my physical perimeter. My only option was to rely on luck. In other words, jump." I would probably say "It was time to rise and fuel the need to be fierce... In other words: jump." Also, "run down" should probably be "running down,"
"I moved back until I could only see the blue horizon ahead" You used 'only' in the sentence before, so you should probably omit one or the other. "I set my footing" should probably be "I braced myself in anticipation..."
"jumped of" should be "jumped off."
"I felt as if time went on a standstill as the air rushed through me" "I felt as though time stood still as..."
"getting closer to my ultimate goal, the Iris." I would probably have used the word 'destination' as you have used goal in reference to the Iris several times before.
I love the line "This paradoxical fusion of chaos and peace gave me an unexplainable sort of happiness" and would not change it for the world. It is a brilliantly written sentence.
"For once I had done the illogical move. I had taken a risk, a gamble that could have been my last" You should never start a sentence with 'for' so as an alternative, you could say "I had made my first illogical move; I had taken.. but all this didn't matter."
"I had taken a step (or a fall) towards something that I chose" You could play with it such as "I had fallen for a whim of my choosing"
"for a second wind" should probably simply read "gasping for air"
I don't like the reference to potatoes: become a sack of potatoes, it seems out-of-tone with the rest of your essay. You could say "become a barrier" or something to that effect.
"I had come so far for; there was no chance I would fail" would sound stronger if you said "I had come so far for; failure was not an option"
"my mom" should read "my mother"-you should assume a formal tone because you do not know your audience.
"When I took my leap of that cliff I felt that I was going against the logical and safe path. I was going against the oppressive boundaries of fear and doubt that constantly hindered so many of my choices. I was striving for what I wanted without a statistical analysis of whether I would succeed, and it felt amazing." Is reversible... you could say something similar to "Leaping off of that cliff felt amazing. I was going against... Without a statistical analysis of whether or not I would succeed."
"By shrugging aside the prospect of repercussions I gave myself the courage and the optimism to do what I wanted to do" should read "By shrugging aside the prospect of repercussions I had given myself the courage and the optimism to do what I wanted to do" - it sounds a little less passive.
I do not like this sentence: It was definitely worth it. I think you could strengthen it by saying something such as "It was then I decided that nothing comes without risk, and this one was ultimately worth it." Saying the Iris is worth the risk, says nothing of risk-taking itself. I think you could broaden this statement to an application of every-day life.
I think this essay is a very good one. If you have a writing center at your school, I would recommend running it through one, for strengthening purposes and punctuation. Overall, I think it is a good paper with a wonderful point; nothing in life comes for free, and nothing ventured is nothing gained.
Good luck, and while I am by no means an English major, I hope this helps!
Anne,
Thanks for the awesome feedback. It has helped immensely.
Regards,
Axel
Wow! This is great writing! I am so impressed by both the essay and the excellent ideas from Anne.
Maybe a comma here:
Later that day, my mom received the Iris in a small terracotta pot.
Throughout much of this essay, I was wondering why you jumped! It really kept me reading. I almost do not want to suggest any changes, because this is obviously inspired work, and I don't want to mess it up. However, it would be very powerful if, at the end, you reflected on the significance of this experience from the perspective of someone going into (what is your chosen field?) This essay provides an intense experience for the reader, so end it by connecting it to your academic or professional aspirations.
That is just an idea... not necessary.
Kevin,
Thanks for the great advice.
Regards, Axel
Please read my essay! I really appreciate all the great feedback.
Regards,
Axel
Any thoughts are welcome. Please read!
Regards,
Axel
The thing to do is go help some other people and link them to your essay, asking them to return the favor.
:-)
YOUR RIGHT! Thanks for the advice Kevin. I'll be sure to try it.
Regards,
Axel
