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'the Irish bagpipes music' - Common application EC:: Saint Patrick's Day Celebrati


lzhd1028 4 / 11  
Dec 31, 2011   #1
Please correct any grammatical mistakes as you read along, (I am an international student :P)

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When I was surfing the Internet, a webpage filled with glittering shamrocks sparked my inspiration for the new fundraiser: to celebrate St.Patrick's Day for the first time and raise medical funds for an orphan with a cleft palate. As the chair of the Orphanage Club, I immediately posted the activity information in our school forum, and organized volunteers to decorate the campus with green banners and posters. In the library, we created shamrock pins with colored paper and highlighters. On March 17th, the Irish bagpipes music resonated in the auditorium; people receiving the pins eagerly poured their hearts into the worthy cause. Dressed up as leprechauns, we club members affectionately pinched those not wearing green. Everyone was captivated by this fairytale-like world. Thanks to the magnetic attraction of the Irish traditional culture, we raised funds beyond our expectations. As a result of this experience, I came to appreciate that original ideas are the building blocks of success.
nikariotz 3 / 6  
Dec 31, 2011   #2
So based on this, I would've never guessed you were an international student. This is very well written, and I love how much detail you were able to include in such a limited space.

As far as corrections, I don't really have many:

"we club members affectionately"

I was confused by this:
"to celebrate St.Patrick's Day for the first time and raise medical funds for an orphan with a cleft palate."

I get how St.Patrick's Day was the theme for your fundraiser, but who's celebrating it for the first time? That's what I wasn't sure about.

GOOD LUCK!


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