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'Irish philosopher Edmund Burke...' Event That Has Shaped Your Future, $10,000 Question!

iamnicholas1 10 / 17 1  
Dec 30, 2013   #1
Your academic performance and promise of achievement are evaluated through the essay. Describe your academic and career interests and/or the most important creative, educational or personal experiences that have led you to pursue a university education.

Does this show academic performance, enough character, and a drive to succeed? Thank you so much!

Irish philosopher Edmund Burke once said, "Good order is the foundation of all things." Today, however, "good order" can be hard to come by. For the poverty-stricken slums of Mexico, disorder and illnesses are constant companions; as I age, I become increasingly aware of the struggles children in these situations face and, consequently, how blessed my own life is by comparison. Though separated by only a thin border, we exist worlds apart, an unreachable dream for one and a sobering sight for the other. It wasn't always this way, however; as both a child and a young adult, that gap would be bridged, and I glimpsed the same uncertainty that plagues so many on the other side of the dividing wall. With the goal of becoming a pediatrician within my reach, I work toward giving children the fighting chance they deserve, knowing that by promoting "good order," they will have a foundation from which they can pursue their own dreams.

As a child, my mother, who often frequented her family in Guadalajara, Mexico, used to take me with her to give me a perspective of my own privileged life. A somber mood hung over the slums like a sickness as we passed through on our way to our destination. There, yellow fever, malaria, and typhoid wreaked havoc in the neighborhoods, and the effects were palpable. The glazed eyes of illness-stricken children followed us wherever we went, peeking out from small shacks. Our visits never lasted long - just long enough to brush up on my own Spanish-speaking skills and maybe get un helado (an ice cream) or two. Soon enough, we would be off, back to the United States and back to our blessed lives. What I had seen remained burned into my mind, but it was miles away, just a memory. Never did I once think the sickness would eventually follow us home.

Years later, it found us. I knew something was wrong when my parents entered the house and sat my brother and me down. With tears in their eyes, they told us the doctor's diagnosis: my mom had breast cancer. As time passed, she grew increasingly weaker and her checkups at the local hospital evolved into weeks of chemotherapy treatment. While Dad spent days on end by her side, I remained at home delving into various treatments, medicines, and procedures I could recommend to the doctors - as if I were qualified. In school, my chemistry and biology classes could tell me all about the organic compounds in the phospholipid bilayers of a pulmonary artery, but it could never relate to me the devastation of watching a loved one wither in the face of illness. I was already a student of that experience, steadily watching my foundation crumble away.

But my mom was far from finished. Her efforts, combined with chemotherapy and a relentless stream of prescriptions, sent her cancer into remission. After months of watching her fight for her life against illness, I now understand that remaining healthy can be one of the sources of "good order" Edmund Burke was referring to. Today, when I think back to the sick children in Mexico, they don't appear as memories of the past; instead, they motivate me to reach for the future and complete my college education. If I am additionally blessed with the UC Davis Undergraduate Scholarship, I intend to use it as a stepping stone to bring my dreams into reality, specifically to improve the lives of those living in the impoverished slums of Mexico. My visits to that seemingly foreign land taught me that healthiness is just as good a foundation as any; after all, I am a witness to that lesson. Though I entered UC Davis a pre-med hopeful, I wish to graduate an architect - laying the base for the future generation and providing them with the stability they need to chase their own dreams.
maddigirl 4 / 19 2  
Dec 31, 2013   #2
wonderful! The only thing is that they say opening with a quote in a college essay is to be avoided like the plague. It doesn't bother me though. Also, I don't think you have to translate helado.

Your syntax is great and easy to read
few more things
"she grew increasingly weaker "
"stepping stone to bring my dreams into reality, specifically to improve the lives of those living in" a little corny
good luck!

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