Prompt
Please provide information regarding your goals and plans for the future as it relates to the Program in Nursing Science and the Nursing profession. Please limit statement to 200-225 words.
In the three years that I have volunteered at California Pacific Medical Center, perhaps the most rewarding experience was from the time I had with a frail eighty-year-old Chinese woman, Su-Ping.
I met Su-Ping from my duties of assisting patients in choosing their meals at the Nutritional Services Department. The first time I saw Su-Ping, I was reluctant to approach this fragile woman, because as she was extremely ill, I knew I would receive no response from her. Yet, I entered the room and asked her in English: "You have your menu ready?" No response. "Would you like me to help you decide?" She gave a mere groan and mumbled that she was in pain in Cantonese. I immediately called the nurses and stayed there for an hour, translating every phrase the doctors said.
Su-Ping got better, and I looked forward to seeing her every day. We would write Chinese calligraphy, prepare Chinese dumplings, and even decorated the room. Since hardly any of the occupants or the nurses spoke Chinese, having me was such a pleasure to talk with. Thus, the enjoyment I had with her in the two months has brought me to an interest in nursing, an interest to provide care for an individual, but even more importantly, to provide companionship and hope to that person in her/her greatest time of need.
This has 224 words. I have to turn this in by tommorrow so all help is appreciated.
Thanks in advance.
I know this topic is extremely cliche, but I had nothing to write.
Any form of critiscism is very welcomed.
i think that is a very sweet story and show cases your unique ability to speak another language. In addition you tell the reader about how this experience has influenced your desire to work in the medical field. However, you do not address the prompt and how this experience will influence your future "goals and plans" in this department. What will you contribute?
Thank you.
I thought that the goals and what I can contribute was my last sentence of caring for an individual and providing friendship.
I can tell that this isn't very clear. What do you think I can add to make this more clearer?
Thank you again.
She gave a mere groan, and mumbled in Cantonese that she was in pain in Cantonese .
The first time I saw Su-Ping, I was reluctant to approach this fragile woman, because as she was extremely ill, I knew I would receive no response from her. Re-write this sentence. Structure seem kind of odd.
I immediately called the nurses, and stayed there for an hour, translating to her every phrase the doctors said.
Thus,The enjoyment I had with her in the two months has brought me to an interest in nursing.An interest to provide care for an individual, but even more importantly, to provide companionship and hope to that personindividuals in her/hertheir greatest time of need.
Your essay is good but lacks personality. Make your essay more personal and intimate. If you try hard to add your personal voice it would not sound to cliche. Is this for prompt one or two.
And OH by the way I applied to UC Irvine as well. Hope to join KABA MODERN Legacy if I enter.
THank you.
This is for the Nursing supplement for Irvine. They make me write another short essay.
here is my revised one.
I'm having trouble making it more personal. Any suggestions?
oh and now I have 233 words, I need to delete about 8/9 ish. Where can I cut down on?
In the three years that I have volunteered at California Pacific Medical Center, perhaps the most rewarding experience was from the time I had with a frail eighty-year-old Chinese woman, Su-Ping.
I met Su-Ping from my duties of assisting patients in choosing their meals at the Nutritional Services Department. The first time I saw Su-Ping, I was reluctant to approach this fragile woman. She was pale, yellow, and I was just basically scared. Yet, I entered the room and asked her in English: "You have your menu ready?" No response. "Would you like me to help you decide?" She gave a mere groan and mumbled in Cantonese that she was in pain. I immediately called the nurses and stayed there for an hour, translating to her every phrase the doctors said.
After that incident, Su-Ping got better, and we started talking as I helped her with her menu. We would write Chinese calligraphy, prepare Chinese dumplings, and even decorate the room. Since hardly any of the occupants or the nurses spoke Chinese, I saw the sparkle and the appreciation in her eyes for me, and it felt absolutely amazing. The enjoyment I had with her in the two months has brought me to an interest in nursing, an interest to provide care for individuals, but even more importantly, to provide companionship and hope to others like Su-Ping in their greatest time of need.
THank you.
It's not bad, but I'm not too sure it actually answers the prompt. What are your goals and plans for the future as it relates to the Program in Nursing Science. I think you answered what your goals are as it relates to the profession.
Also, why nursing and not try becoming a doctor?
She was pale, yellow, and I was just basically scared. Um, this sentence does not really tell me anything seems to childish. Here is a great oppurtunity to add your PERSONAL VOICE.[/ b]
Yet, I entered the room and asked her in English: "You have your menu ready?" No response. "Would you like me to help you decide?" [b]This is a little confusing, althought the first wrote it was better. Here is also another chance to enter your PERSONAL VOICE .
This following sentence is great, because it adds your personal voice, style, and the person you are evolving into:
The enjoyment I had with her in the two months has brought me to an interest in nursing, an interest to provide care for individuals, but even more importantly, to provide companionship and hope to others like Su-Ping in their greatest time of need.
Instead on focusing your essay on the situation try focusing on how this impacted your life. Dont be afraod to be out there. Be personal. If you were scared at first describe your fear.
1.0 - Incomprehensible scratch.
10.0 - Immaculate work of authorship.
3.5:
First and foremost, you don't write according to the prompt at all. Second, your writing although comprehensible like the sentence "I eat bicycle parts every day", is scattered and just slightly more meaningful.
Thanks for your help, I'm revising it and will post it up as soon as I'm done.
