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An Italian student, Lse Personal statement

brunobruno 1 / -  
Nov 10, 2008   #1
What evidence do you have that you can complete a degree in English? Are any of your studies completed in English?
Have you had a position of authority or used your communication skills effectively? For instance, are you on the school debating team?

Greetings, is there anyone who can check my statement using the previous questions as a guideline? Thank u very much in advance!

My name is Bruno Maria Criscuolo. I'm an Italian student attending my first year of college at the University of Naples, where I am currently studying economics.I have been taking English classes for eight years plus I have attended courses with private teachers at the British Council where I was able to earn both my First Certificate and my Certificate of Proficiency in English language. I have also passed the Test for English as Foreign Language(TOEFL), scoring 105 out of 120 averaging more that 25 on each part internet based test.I have been travelling a lot both with my family and friends all over Europe and I have visited much of North America.I spent my junior year of high school in Portland, Oregon, and received a certificate of attendance from Clackamas High School graduating 61st in a class of 449 with a cumulative G.P.A of 3.875 out of 4.0. This was one of the best experience I have ever had in my entire life. I have always had the desire to live abroad and start being independent and when i was finally given this opportunity i tried to use it at my best.I was fascinated by our exchange students meetings because they helped me feel like a citizen of the world and opened my mind in a way I would have never even thought possible in my wildest dreams, paving my way to develop rational and coherent thinking skills on a global scale.I suddenly realized how important it is to compare oneself to individuals who have different origins and cultures.In addition to my interest in languages and culture, I have always tought as mathematics a continuing source of inspiration for solving everyday problematics.On July 2008 I graduated from high school and earned my honor diploma scoring 96/100 on my senior year state exam .Troughout high school I had been following a particularly vast program for mathematics integrated in the National Informatic Plan(PNI), and partecipated in the National Mathematical Olympiads from 2004 to 2008. My leadership and communication abilities helped me being been elected class president in 2004 and in 2008,a duty that gave me the opportunity to attend several political and social events held by the local government.In addition to all this,I've always shown an interest for everything concerning economic and financial matters.The application and significance of economics in every aspect of my daily life is something that truly fascinates me.I've always enjoyed reading economic and financial newspapers and following business news on the BBC and CNN channels.This passion led me to take an Advanced Placement Macroecomics course while I was in U.S which I found extremely interesting, especially the sections concerning management and planning.This is why I would like to come LSE: following one of your economics and management undergraduate programs. They have an outstanding reputation in the entire business universe and could give me the chance to fulfil my knowledge desires and improve and complete my academic and leadership skills.I find the management sector particularly interesting.It is fascinating how management skills supported with appropriate strategic and logistic plans have such a significant impact on companies' profits. Furthermore student activities provided by your universities could be helpful in making a decision about my future career.I look forward to apply my future knowledges in designing and developing new economic models or to work for international organizations such as the World Bank or the European Union.I believe I should be chosen among the other candidates because of my own international cultural background and my ambition to attend a university with a strong international focus and consolidated commitment toward excellence such as LSE.I do realize this would be a new chance to commensurate me with a new world in a way that could help me shape and fortify my own personality.Thank you for taking the time to consider my application. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 10, 2008   #2
Good evening :)

First, a few mechanical comments. Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. Second, make sure you are properly placing spaces between your punctuation and the first letter that follows it; there should always be a single space there. Third, make sure you are capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences only. For instance, "First Certificate" and "Certificate of Proficiency," while very impressive, should not be capitalized.

New paragraphs should be placed when you switch topics; for instance, the sentence "I have been traveling a lot..." should be a new paragraph because you are changing subjects from your GPAs to the best experience of your life. Also, make sure you run this piece through a spell checking program such as Word or the Mozilla web browser to check for spelling errors.

In regards to content, you have a lot of information here. Do you have a word count restriction? If so, (or even not, for that matter) you should think about condensing some of this data into a more abbreviated, less detailed form. It almost reads like a bulleted resume, without much analysis or inflection presented. But then again, I'm not sure what the requirements of the essay are, so that might be appropriate.

For a first draft, it's not bad. Organizing the information more will help improve the flow, and if you can condense some of it and group it together better that will also improve the "readability" of the piece.

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