Please tell me what you think! Be brutal if necessary :)
>>Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply?
In ninth grade I had told one of my senior friends that I would apply to every Ivy League university in the United States. She looked at me like I was crazy, but I wasn't fazed. When I began narrowing down my list of college choices in my junior year I finally understood why I had received that reaction. Each Ivy League is unique and is suited for certain types of people. At Brown I will be able to fully explore my interests and strengthen my education. With its many clubs that range from ethnic to recreational, I know I will be able to find somewhere I can actively take part in. Additionally, Brown's well-equipped research facilities will allow me to experience learning in a way I never have had the chance to before. Brown University is also one of the few universities that has the combination of having my anticipated major, being located close to home and offers good financial aid. I have found that of the eight Ivy Leagues, Brown University is the one that I am the most suited for.
>>Why are you drawn to the academic fields you indicated in the Anticipated Degree and Academic Interest questions above? (BSc in Engineering)
When I was little my mother had always encouraged me to love math, but in high school I discovered my true passion for the sciences. I have realized though, the interest for math that my mother planted in me never went away; rather it has been combined with my penchant for science. Today, I thoroughly enjoy working calculus problems while still puzzling over the amount of energy released from a broken covalent bond. By pursuing a degree in the field of engineering I will be able to study material that combines my two passions of math and science. As someone who is always questioning and wondering about the theories that govern life, the material covered in engineering degree or a neuroscience degree will never fail to hold my interest.
I think you should remove your financial aid argument. I dont thing telling the college I am applying because i can have financial aid is good for you
In your first essay you really don't talk that much about Brown specifically, and when you do, its just telling them things they already know. They know they are a great school and have great research facilities. What does it matter to you? Why is it important? In addition, everything that you did mention about you and Brown was very generic and really had no substance (I'm applying to Brown as well, so I have been criticized for eloquent yet unsubstantial writing). For example you mention that it has your "anticipated major"....which is? I also don't think you need to talk so much about how it is an Ivy League. Its an Ivy League school, so what? They know, and everyone who's applying knows. Just because it is an Ivy doesn't make it the only reason you are applying right? Eliminate all mentions of the Ivy League because I can guarantee, at least 50% of the rejected students only talk about Brown's Ivy League status and general things that don't really tell anybody anything. Try to make it more specific and personal, "why does Brown appeal to YOU?" In essence, this question is asking how you will benefit at Brown, and perhaps even what you can do at Brown, what Brown will do for you. Keep all these things in mind as you write your essay.
Your second essay holds a similar problem with being too general, especially your last sentence. My biggest point is that you need to make it more specific to you, and thus make it stand out. Make it unique. Show them that you really want to be there, and that it is THE school for YOU.
That is just my two cents.
Hope this helped and good luck with your future endeavors.
thebigone-- I actually wasn't sure about that part, so thanks for your opinion!
Chanman-- What you said really makes sense! Ive used your 'two cents' to write better supplements for other colleges...Ill definitely be changing the Brown one. Thank you so much for your advice :D
Hey, that combination of three things at the end of the first one is probably not the list of things you should use. You should list three resources, clubs, programs, etc all related to your goals. Also:
is also one of the few universities that
has have the...
Let's also take the word 'had' out of the first line of each of these essays. Both will be better without that extra word. :-)