Hi ive been working on this essay and it suddenly dawned on me that i dont know if its strong enough, so i need some outside imput.
-Im not finished, becuase if its not good then there is no reason to waste my time when i should be starting another one. So please HELP!
indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.-
Jackie is considered neither a leader nor a role model, he is naïve ( continue ranting on a few of his characteristics and intro. him as my brother, and how ironic it is that he is the influence my life yada yada.)
An evil, almost demonic giggle escaped from my mouth, as I sneered down in triumph at my accomplishment. The sight of my, then smaller, younger brother on the floor, fueled my giggle to a full blown laugh fest. Sadly the abstract of my dominance was soon overridden with reality. The aftermath of my deed, the wrath of my mother and her close friend she only brought out in special occasions, the stick. How I loathed, and still do, the sight of them in juxtaposition to each other, the conclusion of this scene-ended in a cliché . < okay well im still debating should i tie up how this scence is a influence in my life in the same paragraph or should i tie it all up in the conclusion?(Responsibility)
Even though physical quarrels were dated back 10 years ago, my brother and I still engage in common sibling rivalries daily, sometimes hourly. Because we are always with one another, these incidents can not be avoided. However, these rivalries can also be depicted (translated) as bonding exercises; in a peculiar way it strengthens our relationship as siblings. When Jackie, first entered pre- Kindergarten we discovered he had pronunciation problems. There were times when my mother would ask me to translate what he was saying; I thought how odd it was, that my mother couldn't understand her own son. I soon realized that I was immune to Jackie's speech problems. Our relationship advanced to a point where even when he was quite I'd still know what he was thinking. From then on I discovered how strong my sibling bond with my brother actually was. (Empathize)
"Jontfer shut up!" "Why don't you just do as I say" "Your not my mom!" "I know I'm not, but I am your big sister so show me respect!">> in this paragraph i plane to blend this experiance to how i became more mature and a leader
My brother's presence is a significance influence in my life, he can bring out the best and the worst in and because of him whether he knows it or not, I learned important life lessons at an early age. Through our childish quarrels I learned responsibility, from his speech problems I've become an epithetical person, and as being his big sister I matured into a leader. < Detail all that
Thanks!!!
Good afternoon.
I'm not sure what the beginning paragraph really has to do with the rest of your piece. If you plan to keep it, make sure you relate it quickly (in the same paragraph or right off in the next one) to the rest of your piece. You should also acknowledge it in your conclusion. In the second piece you could emphasize how the understanding of his speech issues was an indicator of the depth of the two of yours' relationship.
The third paragraph definitely needs more expansion. You could tack on that last paragraph right onto the back of the third one and go from there.
Keep on brainstorming with this piece, I think it will work out for you.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
I think if you explain to your audience that responsibility is reflected in your life now, that will be more clear. It is best not to assume that your audience knows what you mean; go ahead and spell it out for them.
I think this draft is much better. Keep up the hard work!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
