JACKSONVILLE UNIVERSITY undergraduate admissions essay question:
Summarize your present academic and career goals. Please include details as to how you arrived at these goals citing influential mentors, teachers, relatives, etc. Do not exceed 1000 words.
I plan on earning my degree in Business Management. When I was in elementary school my father told me and my three brothers and sister that we will be going to college. Preparing to earn a college degree has been second nature to me. I attended a private parochial college-prep high school, that's primary objectives are to annually graduate 100%, (vs. 69% nationally, and 58% Florida in 2009) and to successfully place an average of 100% in college (98% vs. 31% in public schools nationally in 2009) following graduation!. I have always been a student first and an athlete second. My father taught me that success was inevitable with hard work and determination, and to prepare for today and tomorrow. I have never drunk alcohol, smoked, did drugs, been to a party, or been in trouble. Throughout my high school years I assisted my father tutoring children in his Playing Football with GOD Youth Ministry.
When I began middle school my father asked me what my college and professional aspirations were. He indicated this was the time to begin formulating a plan for my calling. In high school no single course struck me as career defining. With the possible exception of Economics, the science of choices we make in dealing with scarcity. I was first introduced to Economics by my great-grandfather when he explained the causes of the depression. He said as long as there were resources on earth people should never have to go through any type of depression, and no person should ever go hungry! I thought seriously about earning a degree in Economics first. I began paper trading during my sophomore year. My interest in investing is what attracted me to all facets of business. I continue to monitor my 50 portfolios and I am very excited about learning all of the different investment products and their vast sectors.
Our nation has been plagued with a dropout epidemic that costs more than $335 billion in lost wages for each class of dropouts. Over a million of the students who enter ninth grade each year fail to graduate four years later. In fact, about seven thousand students drop out of school every day. Dropouts significantly diminish their chances to secure a good job and a promising future. Additionally, not only do the individuals suffer, but each class of dropouts is responsible for substantial financial and social costs to the communities, states, and country.
America's economy appears engaged in a downward slide that has perhaps been aided by the invite of cheap imports from Japan beginning in the 1930's, to the removal of over 75% of American manufacturing since the 1970s. That's everything from clothes, shoes, and electronics, to automobiles, toys, and dog food in just less than four decades. These activities have contributed to both the decline of America as the manufacturing capital of the world, and the loss of millions of jobs. Since 1971 when President Nixon suspended the gold backed dollar, in order for our economy to expand, Americans must be in debt! All of these factors have cost American workers in excess of $2 trillion in lost wages and the continued contraction of the middle class.
My immediate plans upon graduating will include establishing a middle and high school Success Academy aimed at giving every child in America a reason to graduate! I also plan on introducing micro manufacturing and businesses to America. I want to assist in the return of America as the manufacturing capital of the world again. I believe these businesses will bring about the end to hunger, poverty, bad debt, illiteracy, drug and alcohol dependency, crime, welfare dependency, and oppression in America. Albert Einstein once said the value of a man resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable of receiving.
I would like to thank five phenomenal people for both helping shape my financial literacy, and helping me decide my college major. My first guide arrived in the form of a gift. The summer of my freshman year my dad gave me the book Rich Dad Poor Dad, by Robert Kiyosaki. Mr. Kiyosaki introduces what the rich teach their children, and that "business" is more significant than "money". I was introduced to my second influence while doing a report on America's greatest investor, billionaire Warren Buffett. Mr. Buffett (Columbia, class of '51) also known as the Oracle of Omaha, recently told 700 Columbia MBA students he would pay $100,000 right then for 10% of the future earnings of any one of them! I met my third mentor when I studied Economics during my junior year. Mr. Watson taught with one purpose, for all of his students to succeed! He is a shining example of what I believe a great teacher is. The fourth and fifth influences in my life are none other than my mom and dad. They provided me with a tremendous education that I will appreciate for the rest of my life.
As I prepare to move onto the next stage of my life I advance with knowledge learned from my personal and family experiences, from insightful and devoted teachers, as well as professional influences. Although we live in a great nation it's clear our primary education system and our economic and financial systems need serious attention in order to put us back on the track our founding fathers laid for us. I can achieve my goals by earning my degree in Business at Jacksonville University's Davis School of Business.
Sean Major
Your essay is very strong - you write with conviction and confidence. I was very engaged up to the third paragraph, then it was as if someone had changed the program (or subject.) I do see your intent once I get to your final paragraph, but the fourth and fifth paragraph are out of context and only remotely related to the earlier ones i.e. give the reader direction as to where you are going with it.
in order for our economy to expand, American's must be in debt!
missing a comma, correct Americans
My goal is Business management or finance. I hope to have that part figured out my freshman year. My interests right now are investing and finance. I don't know exactly where I'll end up professionally 10-30 years down the road. That is why I want to be well educated and earn a degree in business, more than likely an MBA. I plan on establishing the academy and micro businesses from an investors standpoint and selling them. I want to help kids but I don't want a degree in education. I may stay in the micro businesses I mention for a while. I added para 3 & 4 to set up why I want to establish school and micro businesses. As well as the entire outline to show JU that I am a serious student. My GPA is just below the minimum to get accepted. JU's admittance said that the essay could help get me in. Although I never failed a course, I didn't earn as high of grades as I needed during high school. I had to travel 2 hours each way to get to and from school, I played 3 different sports yearly, had a whole lot on my schedule every day, and I typically didn't get home until 10 pm every night. In college I will be living on campus and I will be able to focus on earning higher grades, and my degree.
Should I delete delete para 3 & 4 ?
Thank you very much for your evaluation. If you could offer more input I would be greatful. I would like to help you any way possible!
Sean,
Thx for giving me this perspective:
Although I never failed a course ...
... earning higher grades, and my degree.
Personally, I feel it's more worthwhile to include it in your essay than para 3 & 4. Also, stating your goals upfront makes your essay much more focused: "
My interests right now are investing and finance. I don't know exactly where I'll end up professionally 10-30 years down the road. That is why I want to be well educated and earn a degree in business, more than likely an MBA. I plan on establishing the academy and micro businesses from an investors standpoint and selling them. I want to help kids but I don't want a degree in education."
p.s. An essay about YOU makes the reader more empathetic than reading what you think of America's problems.
Dear A. Smith
I never intended my points in para 3 & 4 to be about Americas problems, as much as my revealing government statistics I learned while in high school and how I felt I could both help improve those situations through businesses I would love to start, as well as help my fellow Americans. I can't believe how cluless I am. I better get serious!
Thank you!
I plan on earning my degree in Business Management.
Let's try a little harder than this to make the reader take notice, to make the reader's mind engage with real curiosity... or at least soothe the reader with a rhythmic sentence. Do something excellent with every first line.
I have never drunk alcohol, smoked,
did done drugs, been to a party, or been in trouble. --- good, stay focused!
I think you should name the activities that show you to be a good kid, but you do not necessarily have to list all the bad things you have not done.
This essay seems to roam around to lots of topics. If you read the first sentence of every paragraph, you'll see what I mean. You cover a lot of ground, but I wonder if it might be better to decide on a theme, a particular kind of experience you want to provide for the reader. Maybe you want to exhibit an attitude of fearlessness and demonstrate a way of thinking that will even make the reader want to pause and reassess hew attitude toward life. Maybe you want to artfully make it your goal to actually make the reader feel inspired. If you can rewrite some of the topic sentences so that they keep promoting a common theme, perhaps using a memorable phrase that you repeat a few times, then all this great content will be driving home a particular point. That is how to use a theme to make a lot of roaming around writing become something direct and powerful.
I don't know if I explained that very well!!
:-)
You explained it very well! I suppose, like most 17 year old students, I really haven't experienced a whole lot of ups and downs. My life has consisted of school, sports, go to movies a couple times a year, and video games at home for entertainment. Perhaps I should study creative writing techniques!
Thank you very much EF Kevin
My life has consisted of school, sports, go to movies a couple times a year, and video games at home for entertainment.
Yes, that sounds like the same things we all do. But those just represent the scenery. Within those contexts, some profound business ideas that will set a good example for the world's entrepreneurs.
Also, I found this:
...downward slide that has perhaps been
aided driven, in part, by the invite of
inexpensive imports from Japan beginning in the 1930's, to the removal of over 75% of American manufacturing since the 1970s.
a downward slide is not something that is "aided," not really. And cheap is judgmental in a way that inexpensive is not. :-)
