Hi to all readers! I would appreciate some feedback for my University of California personal statements, since UC applications are due soon, and any bit of advice would help!
University of California personal statements
Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
It's not exactly every day that you and your family pack everything up and leave for another country, now is it? Getting on a plane to a totally new place that you know almost nothing about, and then trying to settle in and start a normal life. This was the reality for me and my family during the summer of 1998.
I had been born and raised in Jakarta, Indonesia, before our exodus to the United States, and I was only five years old at the time. Life was normal, just like for any average family. Then after the fall of then-President Suharto, everything changed. The riots happened, and we had to flee to the United States for our own safety. This is when the life trials began. My parents only understood bits and pieces of English, and neither I nor my sisters knew a single word - in fact, I was a late speaker, and barely knew any proper Indonesian, let alone English. We struggled to make a solid foundation for us all in a place both culturally different and fiscally lacking, after having to leave nearly everything behind.
Then came the issue of school. We had come to the United States just a couple of weeks before the school year began, and my parents personally oversaw that my sisters and I kept busy in school. The language barrier, however, presented a problem. Eventually though, I got over that bump in the road, and learned English soon enough. I didn't know this at the time, but looking back on it now, that was probably the first lesson I had in learning that for many things in life, you have to take charge yourself. Learning English was the deciding factor in my success in America, and after taking charge, I turned the tables in my favor.
I also had many social ventures in addition to the typical academic endeavors that every student faces. I had to be able to "fit in" among the other kids since I was literally the new kid on the block, with absolutely no exposure to American culture, and was subject to the often rash mixings of two very different cultures. One is a rather conservative culture that traces back to ages of old, whilst the other is a very liberal culture which is relatively new. Some unfortunate events similar to the aforementioned also repeated over the course of the years that I've been living in the United States (for example, persisting troubles with fitting in at school), possibly again from the clash of Indonesian culture at home, and American culture elsewhere. Nevertheless, I succeeded because I learned to take charge and break through the barriers.
From the perspective of when I first came to the United States, all of what I've accomplished today would've seemed impossible. In fact, this is probably true for everybody in at least one point in their lives. Yet, here I am now, a senior in high school, part of a family that has been thriving in America for over twelve years. All that matters is that I made it and that I've become a more experienced and mature person who knows what I want. I defied the odds, and learned something along the way that will help me in my decision making in the near future. I've learned that for many, if not all, things in life, you have to take charge and be assertive in making decisions. This also applies to a person's future dreams and aspirations, including my own. So with this in mind, I will continue to assert myself in pursuing my goals and, with a bit of luck too, thrive.
And here is Prompt #2
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I love to tinker with objects. Whether it be from simply assembling a model kit, or analyzing schematics for automotives, I have always been fascinated by complex objects and have strived to break them down into simple components, with a sheer and almost impulsive reason for doing so. This breakdown process would also surface as I spend more time around that object.
This quality, however, doesn't just apply to inanimate objects. I am also one to analyze people as well, whether the qualities I notice be the color of their hair, the size of the gem on the ring on their left ring finger (if they have one), or something much deeper, like their personalities and emotional states of mind.
I recall when I met a friend for the first time. As with anybody you meet for the first time, unless you've had some previous word about them, they've got a clean slate in your book. Despite such, however, first impressions affect your view on that person in one way or another. She's a person of a semi-short height, with flowing chocolate brown hair and a sweet face - my first impressions of her. As I stated before, however, that analysis just takes over from time to time as I spend more time, and end up getting to know them on a level of greater intimacy. Through this, you could say that now, she's the best friend that a person could ever have in their lifetime. This moment, among many others, reflects the fact that the analysis of anything and everything can be - and actually is - second nature for me.
I have become an extremely investigative person due to this habit - a person who strives to view the world in its simplest components and unveil the deeper meanings behind them. Though I admit that it may be tedious at times, this quality has only been beneficial to me, and has helped me to become a better person. This reflects my future choice to study in mechanical engineering, which would allow me to apply this quality of mine into the real world and fuel my near insatiable appetite to discover more about everything. From time to time, I would find a sour quality or two, and it would serve as a subtle reminder to do away with any bad qualities that I myself have. In short, this quality has molded me into a better person, and will continue to guide me throughout the rest of my life.Prompt 1:
What I feel was wrong here was that it lacks good lines. A good story... though strayed a little off topic.
Topic is describe your world.... would like to know more about you. In your essay, there is a lack of personality. Your camps, some skills need to be mentioned. Not like... I did this... and I did that... but subtly say it in your essays. Talk a line or so on what has influenced your decision for the major your opting. That is so very important.
1)Could there be a better beginning? I would like you to think a little more on that.... not very important just... you know.
2) Edit the "life trials" line. Its very cheesy....
3)
The language barrier, however, presented a problem. Eventually though, I got over that bump in the road, and learned English soon enough.
WHOA! A line or two before you were a late speaker and without any linking line, you have learnt a whole language. (That's the idea I get from what you have written, even if you don't mean it).
Add a line or so to show what it took to overcome... show yourself as a fighter against all odds.... show you stood strong as an adult in the family during this period and MOST of all don't forget that this is your self defining moment in the essay... grab it and use it show how you became a mature person from a child.
4)
I've accomplished today would've seemed impossible.
DO NOT SAY THIS... Impossible is a word that guarantee's -10 for your essay. People with no legs have climbed mount. Everest. So...
5)
Nevertheless, I succeeded because I learned to take charge and break through the barriers.
Once again, you have shown transition without any punch line... (Breach the word limit, if there is any and let the writing flow... editing is very easy.)
Portray yourself.... a strong idea is there in the essay which lacks a base to be a great essay.
Prompt 2:
No no no.... the topic is... well, okay, you can write that but its not impressive enough. This is not a creative writing competition but an admission essay where you are competing with 40,000 essays. Look at it... read it.... and think is this different?
I am sorry, I am a little blunt but this is your admission essay and I feel this totally different from the Prompt 1 because this is a random thought.
Try to connect you skill with the major you are opting... then link with the college like how UC is the dream for you and how it would help you achieve all your goals ... get the drift.
Loads of work on the second essay is needed but you are a good writer. You have clean writing style which shows you are decent. Lets get organized.... :) Hope this helps!
I'll look at this second one first...
I like this first sentence!!
I love to tinker with objects. --- very cool.
... and have striven to break them -----I am not sure if striven is better, but it's what my spellchecker suggests.
I recall when I met a friend for the first time. ----boring sentence... get's the para off to a slow start. I think you could make this sentence much more interesting.
I'll move a comma in this sentence: Eventually, though, I got over that bump in the road and learned English. soon enough . ("Eventually" OR "soon enough," but don't use both.
Let's add the action verb "learned"
I didn't know this at the time, but looking back on it now, that was probably the first lesson I had learned about the fact in learning that for many things in life; y ou have to take charge yourself.
Less is more, here: This also applies to a person's future dreams and aspirations; including my own. So with this in mind, I will continue to assert myself in pursuing my goals and, with a bit of luck too , thrive.
:-)
