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In Japanese, my name literally means straight arrow; COMMON APP


doraface 2 / 1  
Nov 26, 2008   #1
In Japanese, my name literally means straight arrow. My parents gave me this name in hopes that I will live a life where I would keep moving forwards despite the various challenges and difficulties that come with life. I believe I have lived up to my name and it's meaning and have grown to become an individual who faces life head on . one aspect in my life that shows this part of my personality is in my attendance. since the fourth grade up till this day in my senior year, I have not missed a single day of class, nor have I ever been tardy or late to any of my classes. This does not imply that over the years I have been sick free or that I have always wanted to come to school, but it has made me into the person I am today. Since my days in elementary, I have gotten awards for my achievement of perfect attendance, and now consider it one of my most significant personal accomplishments in life because not many people can do so.

At a young age my parents often told me to take advantage of the education provided here in America, but I certainly didn't understand what they meant by it . The determination to obtain perfect attendance was not always my idea, but after forcing me to go to school everyday since my time in elementary, I finally understood exactly what my parents were trying to teach me. Both of my parents are from Japan and have gotten their primary education there. They had many siblings, so for them, the monthly tuition for their education was a significant amount for their families. Since I have entered high school, my parents have stopped forcing me to come to school. Now, rather than them making me come to class everyday, I make myself come.

I had come to the realization that I should take advantage of the resources presented to me in order to succeed, and have also realized what I had already accomplished and wanted to finish what I had already started. From that day on, I have made a promise and decision to myself that I would make an everyday effort to come to school, whatever the circumstance. There were countless times when I didn't want to come to school either because of a minor sickness, problems at school or in the family, or just pure laziness and the temptation to stay in bed. But because I managed to pull through and keep the promise that I made to myself, I am proud of who I am today and what I have accomplished.

By keeping my attendance , I have proved to myself that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to if I persevere through the difficulties that life throws at me and by just moving ahead. Whether it be in academics, sports, or any other significant part of my life, quitting is not acceptable for me. Although in the eyes of many, what I perceive as my accomplishment may be silly, to me it has a meaningful significance. It has taught me to become an individual who knows how to stay focused on a goal without giving up or getting sidetracked and has made me take personal responsibility for my own education and success. Although, not quitting, doesn't guarantee perfect results, it does guarantee one thing for certain: the feeling of accomplishment. So where am I going to be on the so called, "Senior Ditch Day"? I believe you already know the answer to that question.

EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 27, 2008   #2
Good morning :)

The thing that I notice right off is your varying tense. For instance, you begin with "I will live a life where I would keep moving..." choose either past or present tense and then stay with it throughout the entire piece.

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "it's" should be "it is."

Make sure you are placing your punctuation immediately after the last word of your sentence and capitalizing the first words of sentences.

Instead of saying "have gotten" try a more formal word choice such as "received."

Make sure you are stating exactly what you want to say. Never assume your audience knows what you mean. For instance, "By keeping my attendance , I have proved..." By keeping your attendance what? Perfect? Probably, but don't make your reader guess what you mean.

In regards to content, I'm not sure whether or not this is a good response to the prompt because you didn't include the prompt in your posting, but this looks like a well organized, nicely structured piece. You have a body that sticks to your introduction and topic, and a conclusion that doesn't introduce new information. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP doraface 2 / 1  
Nov 27, 2008   #3
Thank you for the corrections :)


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