Prompt: Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
I have always been jealous of those who had a definite goal in life, I respected them for their resolve and determination, but jealous nonetheless. However last spring I have found my goal too.
It was around April or March of 2009, a friend and I had a stroke of brilliance and decided to start a small business of selling custom designed T-shirts. Originally for the sake of designing and creative First we designed unique patterns and images. Then we advertised our products through catalogues which we distributed in school and websites such as Facebook. And after we got our first patch of orders we began to print the designs onto textile foils and iron it on the T-shirts. Our philosophy and slogan was "Everyone deserves to be unique!" We put this idea into our products by making every T-shirt we made and sold was different, even if the design might look similar there weren't two exact replicates. It may be a different tone of the same color, or a smiley face in the corner. The sales weren't bad at all; we even got a place in front of the cafeteria to sell our product. The last time I had so much fun was when I first discovered the internet, and I like the internet. The whole project made me feel alive, however all good things come to an end. We eventually halted the project when we realized that although this is fun in the short run for the extra pocket money, but in we can not satisfy ourselves with this in the long run, we both want to aim higher and right now we lack the time and most importantly the knowledge. But I have found what I was constantly looking for, a goal. I want to enter the world of business and have my products sold across the whole world.
From that day onwards I have been searching for the university and business school that would fulfill my dream. It was then when I first heard of Carnegie Mellon University from my father; ever since I have told him about my desire to pursue a career in business he helped me in the search of the university. He told me that when he was applying for graduate schools in America Carnegie Mellon was one of his first choices and it was truly regrettable that he did not get a position and now it is up to me to do what he has failed to accomplish. To be honest, at that time, being the rebellious teenager as I was I didn't like that he was pushing his dream onto me not only because I want to live my own life and make my own decisions also because I was afraid to disappoint him, mainly because I want to make my own decisions. However his enthusiasm made me remember the name Carnegie Mellon University and the name itself also proved to be quite catchy. And one day as I was browsing through the list of universities, there it was: Carnegie Mellon University. At first I hesitated to click into it, thinking that I may lose my individuality through this act. But quickly it hit me how absurd I was and took a thorough read about C.M.U.
Well, my dad was right; it was indeed regrettable for him not to be able to get in. Not only the University itself, but more specifically the Tepper School of business is ranked top in the world. It has a diverse environment and student pool, renowned for its focus on management science, and a range of activities and opportunities that proves intriguing. I can go on and on. In a nut shell, I see no reason as to why I should not make one of the worlds top schools my first and definite choice, and give up my chance to be one great step closer to fulfilling my dream.
To me, apart from grammar errors, I feel like this essay is too pedestrian, too common, it feels so dead... :S any suggestions?
I really like the first paragraph, but the second part of it ("The last time I had so much fun was when I first discovered the internet, and I like the internet.") is detrimental to the essay. There are some parts that sound mature, and some that sound silly. Keep the overall tone of the essay consistent, and drive home only one point in the same style.
I don't think it's plain. About the first paragraph, personally I think jealous is too strong Also rebellious teenager is an objective impression, calling yourself a rebellious teenager is risky (I think)
Only 2 sentences in your entire essay answered the prompt (italicized below.) Please re-read the prompt especially what is in RED. Why else besides your father's endorsement and encouragement for you to try where he failed, do you choose CMU business (they want to see you demonstrate familiarity with what makes CMU-Business unique.) SEE MY COMMENTS IN CAPS.
This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know.
Not only the University itself, but more specifically the Tepper School of business is ranked top in the world. It has a diverse environment and student pool, renowned for its focus on management science, and a range of activities and opportunities that proves intriguing.
OTHER PROBLEMATIC PHRASES:
"the name itself also proved to be quite catchy."THIS DOES NOT CONSTITUTE A COMPLIMENT TO C.M.U. I DON'T THINK IT WILL BE WELL-RECEIVED:
At first I hesitated to click into it, thinking that I may lose my individuality (WHY WOULD YOU LOSE INDIVIDUALITY FROM LOOKING AT A WEBSITE??!!) through this act. But quickly it hit me how absurd (YOU DON'T GAIN ANYTHING BY POINTING OUT YOUR ABSURDITY) I was and took a thorough read about C.M.U.
Please reconsider your ending - although YOU see no reason as to why you should not make IT INTO one of the WORLD's top schools and be one great step closer to fulfilling my dream, IT DOESN'T MEAN THE ADMISSIONS COMMITTEE AGREES WITH YOU.
Again, re-read the prompt. Do some research and come up with specific details on why attending CMU-Business will fulfill your dreams. Write about your goals and relevant work plans as a close.
