Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
This is about a church service project I've been doing for the past 3 years (since freshman year), where we basically go to some state in the Appalachia region (WV, VA, TN, KY) for a week and fix trailers for families, or people, who really need help.
Strangers. I'm greeted by three unfamiliar faces, my leaders. I'm taken to a large classroom, where I find out I'll be sharing my sleeping space with 20 other females. Who are they? I don't know. Some are from my church, but most are from other states. The next day, I drive to a stranger's home and awkwardly introduce myself as the teen who'll be working on his/her trailer that week.
Sweat. It's the middle of summer, but all I'm allowed to wear are jeans and T-shirts. I leave at 9 every morning and drive to my work site. As soon as I step outside, I work, work, work, and work. I hammer, nail, insulate, cut, build, sweat, eat, and repeat for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. The work gets progressively more grueling, and I become progressively more exhausted, mentally and physically.
Shared showers. At the end of the day, I'm excited to shower and feel refreshed again. But wait, I can't. All the showers are taken. I forgot that I'm at a run-down high school in the Appalachia region with those same 20 other females, all just as eager to shower as me.
Some find these conditions repulsive, but I find them exhilarating. For one week every summer, I can escape the fast-paced society and really enjoy the basics of life. The minimalist lifestyle I experience while on ASP is where I find most joy. I love connecting with people I otherwise wouldn't and I love exploring unknown and unfamiliar areas.
Character count (with spaces): 1408
I clearly need help cutting this down... A LOT!
I will return the favor for anyone who helps me edit (:
Hi! a great content =)
I think with a limited space, you should cut out some personal remarks.
My suggestions:
I'm taken to a large classroom, where I will sleeping in with 20 other females. Who are they? I don't know. Some are from my church, but most are from other states.
The next day, I drive towas at a stranger's home and awkwardly introduce myself as the teen who'll be working on his/her trailer that week., introducing myself into this new work.
I hammer, nail, insulate, cut, build, sweat, eat, and repeat for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. The work gets progressively more grueling, and I become progressively more exhausted, mentally and physically.
--> In my opinion, you may cut out this part as the "I work, work, ... 8 hours a day, 5 days a week" already suggests that.
Shared showers. At the end of the day, I'm excited to shower and feel refreshed again. But wait,I long to take shower, but I can't. All the showers are taken. I forgot that I'm at a run-down high school in the Appalachia region with those same 20 other females.all just as eager to shower as me.And this was my condition.
*I think the last paragraph is somehow not connected to the previous one. I think you should consider revising it or adding a transition. To me, the first three paragraphs are subjective, showing your negative feelings towards the work. I think you could either make the first three paragraphs more objective or add a positive tone to it --you could add how the work is enjoyable as well. I think it would be great if you add how you have actually enjoyed the work =)
Other than that, a nice essay!
I hope this helps!
Please take a look at my "giving back to your country essay"
thank you!
and good luck!
okay! thank you so much! i will revise probably early tomorrow. when do you need yours revised by?
I'm taken to a large classroom, where I find outdiscover I'll be sharing my sleeping space with twenty other females.
The next day, I drive to a stranger's home and awkwardly introduce myself as the teen who'll be working oncould insert something more descriptive his/her trailer that week.
The work gets progressively more grueling, and I become increasingly more exhausted, both mentally and physically.
I forgot that I'm at a run-down high school in the Appalachia region with those same twenty other females, all just as eager to shower as me.
The minimalist lifestyle I experience while on ASP (write it out) is where I find most joy. I love connecting with people I otherwise wouldn't and exploring unfamiliar areas.
Just tweaked some words.
