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'About Jerry' - common app - Describe a fictional character and its influence.


Opara 1 / 14  
Jun 26, 2012   #1
I'm new to this place. Members of this forum just act like they have a blood bond. helping on essays.
I am a Nigerian and applying for the 2013 fall...This is my essay on fictional character and i sometimes feel it's childish. Is it? it is slighly more than 500 WORDS.

please, any comment will be accepted whether harsh or mild..Thanks in advance.

JERRY

"No way! that just can't be! It's impossible!"

I remember announcing that on my ninth birthday before our only new television.A rat, headed for cheese,was padlocked in an oven and it just forked open a space, enough for it to escape; it still got on the cheese! Being acutely curious, I remember asking from my dad to my street-peers of how Jerry have done that. I kept getting unsatisfying answers, but my teacher gave me an answer that quenched my quest. "for every story, there's always a good part. Look beyond Jerry's treachery; call on the inner peace, always.OK?", she whispered.Until I became a boarding student, I never missed Tom an Jerry.

Though dad never stopped criticizing Jerry for being sadistic and violent, I took on my teacher's words. Jerry surprisingly lifted objects that I could never lift. In one of the TV series; Tom shot at Jerry who after been hit by the first bullet, jumped on the second bullet.It rode on the bullet to its destination and still switched off a jet programmed for destruction.Jerry was a die hard. I, for the first time, learned to see issues beneath its periphery and see them as a personal jet.

Before the monitor, tears skated on my cheeks. I had been rejected by the only school I could apply to, Berea College. Since graduating in 2010, I have not entered college. My country's system of admission has been awkward. Secondarily because of few universities for millions of applicants. But primarily because of favoritism: senators, governors and vice chancellors nominated 90% of those to be admitted. Usually unqualified relatives.

In 2011, when I learned of Biomedical Engineering in the US, I saved my monthly allowance of #4000($26) for four months to register for the SAT. My parents had grudgingly sponsored the mailing of my application. But there I was, in the cyber cafe staring at my rejection notification. "How will I ever study Biomedical Engineering when it is not offered in my country's universities?"."maybe dad was right. He said i could never study abroad since we were indigent besides my never being capable of matching the intelligence of the whites". My thoughts roamed wildly and my tears never ceased. Failure's bullets became intense. However, I printed my fate and dragged my feet home.

I sought consolation in all my written songs but they were weeping too. For the first time, music disappointed me. "Maybe, I'm destined to end with an associate degree like my parents". "Must I die in this ghetto, without exploring other cultures?". Thoughts of my class mates in college added pepper to my wound. "Perhaps, it's my destiny" , I muttered on my bed where I decided not to ever think of studying abroad.

In April, as I supervised mum's school, I overheard some of my pupils telling of Tom an Jerry. My once loved TV series reincarnated . My teacher's words echoed in my brains and surged up hope but Jerry's actions catalyzed it. subsequently, I've learned to remember Jerry when adversities get extreme. I registered Jerry's actions in my soul since I remembered it.

From failure to failure; with a borrowed $200 dollars, I've registered for the October SAT s. For like Jerry, I can always ride on my bullets and still switch off the rocket.

ana_p 27 / 81  
Jun 26, 2012   #2
Hi Opara,

I like your essay a lot especially starting. Its very emotional. When I started reading this essay, I thought it was funny but at the end it made me emotional... keep going..!!

Good Luck...!!

Thanks,
Ana.
chessman567 5 / 170 11  
Jun 26, 2012   #3
thanks for looking at my essay. I'll come back with a lot of grammar mistakes, because I have to leave in 5 minutes. But nice and funny essay! But work on your grammar a bit more!

I remember announcing that on my ninth birthday before our only new television. imaging [television imaging] You hit a rat headed for Y[lowercase y] our cheese with a big cupboard; it survives it and still gets on the cheese.

He said i [capital i] could never study abroad since we were indigent. [In addition] plus, I can't match the intelligence of the whites".

i [capital I] had been rejected by the only school I could apply to, Berea College.
OP Opara 1 / 14  
Jun 26, 2012   #4
Thanks chessman and ana... I now see those flaws!

HOW CAN I GET THE MODERATOR TO MY ESSAY?

More violent critics please..
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jun 26, 2012   #5
I kept getting unsatisfying answers, but my teacher gave me an answer that quenched my quest, and until I became a boarding student, I never missed Tom an Jerry

This is impressive, but tell us what your teacher's answer is.

Secondarily because of few universities for millions of applicants. But primarily because of favoritism: senators, governors and vice chancellors gave 90% of those to be admitted.

This confuses me a bit.... you mean senators, governors and vcs control 90% of admissions ? or they secure those chances for their children? I feel you need a slight grammar correction there, but need to know what you really mean :)

usually unqualified relatives.

------ Start your sentences with capital letters when you do posts to this forum, no matter these are your drafts. That helps you have more feedbacks and comments because they look more appealing to read :D
OP Opara 1 / 14  
Jun 27, 2012   #6
Yea dumi. Senators, governors and Vcs unbelievably control that percentage of admitted students in Nigeria. That was what I meant..

Ok dumi, I'm gonna improve on that. But sincerely, I'm bad on keyboards... What a
bout the general idea?

THANKS. I'm grateful.MORE CRITICS PLEASE.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jun 27, 2012   #7
I love your style of presenting ideas.... very creative and intriguing! However, I notice your essay gets better and better towards its latter parts. I like the ending too.

Try to have the same momentum in this opening para. For me, I feel this is a bit too dragging and not presented with the punch that you display in the latter part of this essay. Also tell us what your teacher told. Clear out the readers doubts on how to link Tom and Jerry with its influence on you. :)
KevinHaroldo 1 / 7  
Jun 27, 2012   #8
I agree with dumi, your ended your essay on a strong note. As a reader I was a bit confused on the relation with jerry, in your latter paragraphs I realized what you were trying to say. I would advice to revise your first paragraphs, explain the exact influence that jerry has on you. Your first paragraph is a bit confusing, but your latter paragraphs intrigued me; there great.

I would suggest to write what jerry is, does, and how he escapes the traps from Tom; keep that to one paragraph. Also talk about how jerry has influenced you in a more detailed manner. Talk about the exact connection between you and jerry..
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Jun 27, 2012   #9
Capitalize: "No way! That ...

Put a space after the periods and commas:
I remember announcing that on my ninth birthday before our only new television. A rat, headed for cheese, was...

Jerry surprisingly lifted objects that I could never lift. ---ha ha, this is great writing! Well, they are cartoon boxes, so you probably could lift them.

In one of the TV series; Tom shot at Jerry who, after having been hit by the first bullet, jumped on the second bullet and rode on it ti its destination where he switched off a jet programmed for destruction.---In this part, I made some changes so that it would flow nicely and I added "having" to make the correct verb tense.

One word, not two: classmates

the comma comes before the " mark:
in college added pepper to my wound. "Perhaps, it's my destiny," I muttered on my bed where I decided not to ever think of studying abroad.

Great ending, you should be very confident in this. I hope you have a lot of time to help other people on essayforum, because you have good ideas.
OP Opara 1 / 14  
Jun 27, 2012   #10
Oh. Thanks Kelvin. I'm glad and have taken those corrections.

However, I'm scared if this essay is ever unique. Doesn't it look childish, Kelvin? Is it presentable to Harvard, Macalester, Amherst?

I'm so worried. Help.


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