Hello,
Please be harsh if necessary. Any feedback will be appreciated. Post your essay I'll edit too.
Thank you for your help.
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Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this supplement, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)
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I want to learn about biology and engineering. Bioengineering is my first choice.
The image of the telephone is still fresh in my mind and the voice of my friend still vivid. The phone rang. I picked it up. It was my best friend: "My mother is dead." Seven years ago, my best friend's mother died of cancer. At that time, I was still young. I couldn't contemplate the difficulties that were set ahead of my friend and I am sure he didn't know either. His father promised to take care of him. But after two years he re-married and left his son to the government. The childhood of my friend was, suddenly, ruined.
I often look back at this incident and ask my self, "How did this happen?" The answer is simple: medicine. I can't guarantee that the actions of the father would have been different, but I know things would have worked out differently if medical advancement were at a point that could save cancer. It's amazing how something such as an overproduction of cells could change lives. And it irritates me how cancer, seven years ago and today, does not have a cure.
I recognize the problems of the world and I am very optimistic in approaching them. I can't solve all the problems but I can do my best and solve as many as I can. I want to contribute to society and help reduce the number of diseases that cannot be cured as of date. I want to be a doctor to help the people; the people I can save and the family members I can prevent from suffering. I see medicine as a path of contentment because it fulfills my desires.
The world is an interesting place. Problems spawn from people who inhabit it and challenges arise and wait to be overcome. One of these challenges is cancer and, likewise, the problems that revolve around it. Seven years ago, my friend's mother could not be saved. But who knows how many cancer patients can be saved seven years in the future: I want to contribute to this number. Recently, I am enthralled to find that medicine research has shed new light on the activation of a key protein in cancer development: I want to contribute to this research. Seven years later, I want to save every cancer patient (an ambitious dream, but that's what dreams are for)!
I know the path to medicine and I am fully aware of the difficulties. Piece by piece, I have grasp the true essence of who I want to become. I know I can look back at the sufferings of my friend and use his pain as the motivator in my pursuit to become a doctor: more importantly, I will use it to remind myself why I've chosen this path - there are people waiting to be saved. As I embark on my journey, Johns Hopkins' Biomedical Engineering Program will be my first step.
Would be wonderful if you start like this:
The phone rang. I picked it up. It was my best friend: "My mother is dead."
Seven years ago, my best friend's mother died of cancer. The voice of my friend remains vividly in my heart. At that time, I was still young. I couldn't contemplate the difficulties that were set ahead of my friend and I am sure he didn't know either. His father promised to take care of him. But after two years he re-married and left his son to the government. Suddenly, the childhood of my friend was ruined. Since then, I gradually built a strong interest in bioengineering.
:)
Overall, its a well-developed essay, but you could make it a bit more interesting with variances in sentence structure and whatnot.
At the moment it just sounds a bit too plain.
Also, with your ending, (I know I can look back at the sufferings of my friend and use his pain as the motivator in my pursuit to become a doctor: more importantly, I will use it to remind myself why I've chosen this path - there are people waiting to be saved.), the question is asking "why chose Bioengineering?", not "how are you gonna deal with this course?".
Make sure you nail the question on the head at your conclusion, then it will be a strong, well rounded essay.
p.s. It is up to you whether to utilise or to ignore completely my feedbacks :).
Thank you Ahnsik,
The changes on the intro really make it more "powerful and concise" and thanks for the reminder on the conclusion. The one i had before was not really answering the question. Thanks again
I'll be honest, this just seems to clique esque. I could honestly pick up what the essay would be about and your conlcusion just be reading about the death. Way to predictable, and to be honest, thats what one of the things that happens w/ stories about a death, i remember once reading a duke adcom saying that stories about death of a close one are usually a terrible idea because of how they all say the same thing: in his case it was just oh now i am so much more grateful of life and appreciate it, but with you, its now i want to investigate how this happened.
Also, another honest opinion, sorry if im coming across as harsh, but the last three paragraphs have the potential to be intriguing, but as they are right now, they're not. Just asking questions and mulling observations that have been repeated so many times, nothing unique there.
Also, i know j-hop doesn't specifically ask why you want to come to teh school, but other than that last line reference to J-Hop bioengineering you make no reference to the school. Bad idea. and speaking of the reference, never in the essay do you actually give any evidence or reason to wanting to come to J-hop, its vague, doesn't show you've done any research, and doesn't really add anything. This just seems like the thousands of other j-hop supplements that they will read, really is nothing to distinguish this at all. Sorry, i really dont mean to be a jerk, this is just honestly what i see and my best advice would be consider completely changing the topic because it is hard to write about a death or something that big w/o repeating what everybody else would. Hope that helps, good luck, im also applying to J-Hop actually working on the supplmeent right now!
