Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I've led a nomadic lifestyle, dutifully following my dad wherever his work required him to be: Korea, America, Japan, Singapore. One day our family would be opening cardboard boxes and arranging our furniture, and another day we'd be wrapping everything up, a new house and community awaiting us in the next town.
We had been living in Singapore for a year when my dad was transferred to Japan. When he told me this news, I was crushed. I felt that it was too late in my high school career to switch education systems, and I also wanted to complete the IB Diploma in Singapore, as it offered a well-rounded curriculum, with a strong academic foundation. I argued my point, and to my complete surprise, my dad heeded my request, and arranged for my sister, my mother and I to remain in Singapore until I completed my high school education.
This posed many problems for my family. Because my dad no longer worked in Singapore, the company would no longer pay for our rent, bills, and school tuition. We had to move apartments, to a place where rent would be cheaper. Also, my dad hardly ever saw our family, as it was difficult for him to take leave from his job to visit us in Singapore. I would go weeks without hearing from my dad, and months without seeing him. I passed this off a temporary setback: sooner or later, our family would be back to normal again.
Also, I was far too preoccupied with my own life to see the damage the situation was doing to my family. I had my own plans and agenda; my academics were sound, my friends were fun, but when I came home late after a night out, I would see my mom sitting at the couch watching television, waiting for me. When I visited my dad in Japan during the summer was when the magnitude of the situation really struck me. He was living in a one-bedroom apartment, an hour away from work. He had to give up his car, and take the bus to the subway station, and then the subway to work. This was all my fault. If I had agreed to move to Japan, our family could have lived comfortably, as we had used to.
However, when I confronted my parents about our financial situation, they told me not to worry, and that my happiness and success was something that they would try everything in their power to afford. This touching sentiment is the motivation that drives me, that pushes me to succeed and excel. My parents are good people, and they deserve much more than I can give; which is why I want to exercise my full potential, and exceed my own boundaries to somehow repay them for the enormous inspiration they provide.
Good Opening.
Include a colon before a list. don't start a new sentence.
I've led a nomadic lifestyle, following my father wherever his work required him to be: Korea, America, Japan, Singapore. O ne day our family would be opening cardboard boxes and arranging our furniture, and another day we'd be wrapping everything up, a new house and community awaiting us in the next town. Everything in my life is temporary and disposable.Rented houses and apartments, cheap furniture that wouldn't cause much distress if ruined on the plane, and of course, school, after school, after school. this by itself is not a sentence. there is no definite subject and verb. To rename something (i.e. a disposable item), use an em dash. so it'd be something like "...temporary and disposable - rented houses and apartments, cheap furniture..."
New classmates were like different versions of my old classmates. And just as I finally got to know a place well, my family would be on the road again, and I would sit in the back seat looking out the window at the clouds, which seemedto so (?) comfortable and smug in the sky, where they would always stay.
How I longed for that cliché yard, (not necessary)with a white picket fence and a mailbox with my last name on it. I wanted to have friends I've known since kindergarten, or to watch my neighbor's dog grow up. Instead, I have friends who I've fallen out of touch with, my neighbor who greets me with a stare, and our apartment? I put my Jimi Hendrix poster up with tape so that it wouldn't damage the walls. (your verb tenses don't agree)
Because I have very few things that I've had all my life, I have come to place immense value on them. For example, my favorite doll "Bobo," or my copy of "The Catcher in the Rye," has stayed with me over the years, despite their(indicates more than one, even though your verb indicates a singular subject.) deteriorating conditions.
Not bad. Be sure to watch your verb tenses. They don't always agree! make sure you only use one tense per paragraph. Also, try to avoid contractions such as "I've".
Hope this helps!!
thank you so much, i'm so confused bout tenses =\\
heyy...
when ru applying to UC?
contact on facebook or on essayforum only.
i need to discuss some necesssary points about prompts
i'm applying..in a couple of days.
can you tell me some points to improve on here?
thanks so much. =)
i myself will be applying in a couple of days...
what major r u applying to ??u should ur interest in ur essay about that field
please have a look at my thread,,do review that
REVISED VERSION
please tell me which is better
I like the revised version better. But try to work on your last paragraph. You have the right idea but add a dramatic touch to it in some way. The last sentence is also a bit too wordy.
Good luck!
and please review my essay!
